The loneliness of recovery

Old 12-27-2007, 06:14 PM
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The loneliness of recovery

I'm back in my home now, after flying for a visit to the alcoholic/addict land of my birth, exposure to the dysfunctional family, and all the memories of how badly screwed up my childhood was.

You would think that I'd be relieved to be back here, but the truth is that I feel really alone. Even though my husband and dogs and cats are here, and friends are not far away, I still feel like I lost my family somewhere along the way. They are just all so ridiculous, all involved in some kind of substance abuse, or some kind of denial of substance abuse, or in some gossipy grudge against each other for someone finally breaking free of the substance abuse.....the current scapegoat is a beloved niece of mine who divorced her hard-drinking husband (who is a long-time friend of the family) because she wanted peace and stability for their two kids. On Xmas eve, he had visitation with them, and brought them back to her stone drunk at 2:00am, and she blew sky high. But did my family get angry because he was drunk? No, they got mad at HER because she ripped him a brand new aperture and is threatening to yank his custody if he ever does that again. My brother is a recovering coke addict who still drinks like mad and takes advantage of the kindness of family members. My mother drinks herself into a coma every night, and gets indignant when anyone suggests she may want to do something different.

These are the people I call family, and they no more understand me, and my choices, and my recovery, than they understand the thoughts of a spider monkey at the zoo. Foreign and new-agey is what I am to them, and the looks they think are behind my back are painful. And it's not as though I preach...jeez, I barely say anything at all, and don't get involved in any of the fireworks. But still, *I* am the weirdo now.

I am glad to be where I am in life, realizing what kind of person I want to be and realizing the role alcohol & drugs have played in all my emotional baggage (and working hard on it all). But at moments like now, it still feels as though there are precious few people who truly care about me in the world, and it's hard to do much but sit here with my coffee cup between my palms, staring straight ahead out the window, hoping tomorrow dawns better.

Love to all of you here, my extended family of searchers and healers. I know you know what this feels like.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 12-27-2007, 06:33 PM
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GL, as always your posts are just great. I feel the same way about a lot of my family. They won't view things the way we do because they are still in denial and we aren't.
I hafta say that I believe we are less alone when we get out of the chaotic lives of addicts and alcoholics. We can have something we never had with them: PEACE.

I am so grateful not to have to live in it any more. Even my sober mother is still crazy. I love her dearly, but I can't take being around her for very long.
Hugs to you GL.
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Old 12-27-2007, 08:28 PM
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GL, welcome home. Not the home you wished you had earlier in life, but the home you have now which is mostly sane (none of us are ever really fully sane, IMO), and mostly healthy and mostly peaceful.

I think all of us can relate to that feeling of being alone. We humans are a tribal/pack/herd/flock type of critter, and all those types of critters, down to the lowliest of the fishes, feel exposed and isolated when separated from the 'family they know'.

I've found that being here helps me a lot. No one in my family really understands me, and no one outside of my family could understand me thoroughly. But this forum contains people who, while they may not understand me thoroughly, at least understand a fair chunk of me and don't give me looks like I'm Satan incarnate when I say I'm happy the holidays are over and glad they only come once a year.

So welcome home to your physical house with your husband and your dogs and your cat. And welcome home to your virtual home, with 'family' who can relate to feeling so very alone, even when surrounded by 'people' (furred or largely hairless) who love you. I can't say why I feel alone even when I'm sighing in relief at being removed from the situation, but I can say I understand that feeling, and I have it too.
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Old 12-27-2007, 09:11 PM
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Often we don't become healthy because of our family we become healthy in spite of them. It seems the holidays can be a tough time and trigger all the "old stuff" we have tried so hard to suppress, repress or work through. It happened to me this yr. too. Surely you are thankful that even if your relatives haven't been enlightened, you are the lucky one because you have.
I understand.
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Old 12-28-2007, 07:34 AM
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GiveLove -

I cannot completely know what you experience, but I can send my hugs and happiness that you are here. I don't think I'd understand the idea of a "virtual" family if not for you and so many here on SR.

You are alone on one level - we all are, right? - but you are a blessing to us, and a light in my life.



UM
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Old 12-28-2007, 01:34 PM
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I understand and I care for you.

I have a "clean slate", now that I have eliminated toxic relatives from my life and besides my husband and son, *I am alone* and I feel it everyday.

The story is, that now that my toxic relatives aren't scaring the crap out of my friends, I can make new friends, who are healthy.

I struggle (inside my heart, not in real life) with fully letting those toxic relatives go because, as of yet, their is no one else on the other side but me. What I mean is, I still have the desire to contact them, but I stop myself, and don't. THANK GOD!

It is so hard for me to accept that my relatives don't want me. Not really. Not as I am, healthy and confident and hopeful for the future.

That hurts.

But I look at it like this....This loneliness and hurt are me, "giving birth" to the NEW me.

I love Mikes experience of getting adopted by a lady and being her adopted daughter. I think I would like an adopted dad too. You can bet that I *WILL* get out there and find these wonderful people. Family and Friends of Choice. My problem is, I haven't "got out there" yet. But I am getting stronger everyday. I will make it to those family and friends of choice. I will keep you guys posted on my progress.

Once again, you have touched a chord in me...Great Thread!

Thanks!

Sending love your way,

Growing
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Old 12-28-2007, 02:00 PM
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Well, as usual, you guys just made me cry those healing tears of recognition and relief, washing me clean down to the gratitude again.

You are all so right, and it's such a relief not to feel like some freaky weirdo, out here on my own.

I will get on the phone and start looking around for those Family of Choice members this evening. I can't stay here in this comfy depression forever....I have too much growing to do still, and only a few short years to do it in. I wish I weren't the only one in my family making this journey, but right now I can't change the fact that I am. Thank, Growing, for that gentle reminder.

Happiness beckons.

Love to everybody...
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Old 12-29-2007, 04:02 PM
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A lot of this sounds very familiar. GROWING I struggle with letting my toxic loved one's go too. I still find myself reaching for the phone to check up on my mother. This was the first holiday I didn't break and call her. Granted she would have just attempted to manipulate and belittle me but I still got the blues not having talked to her.

I'd love to hear about your progress too. I take little steps out into the world. Today I called a coworker that has faithfully called and texted me. We talked for a while. Its scary to build new relationships because I'm so scared they'll be just like my old dysfunctional ones and I'm still guessing at what is and isn't healthy in a relationship. But I'm working hard on building boundaries and being more sure of myself and my feelings. It seems like I'm building better relationships now too.

I hate it when i start to feel lonely in a house full of people. It just doesn't make sense. I even isolate myself. I think its more I'm feeling down about my mother and I can't just call her up and say "hey I miss you" because I'll just be used and abused. Plus isolation was one of her tactics. If she could keep everyone isolated it was easier to manipulate us. Its weird now I isolate myself some times. I guess its default mode. I try to realize I'm doing it and make an effort to reach out to people. Call to just talk but not unload to new friends. Hey . . . . hows it going . . . . what are you up to. . . It helps me stay involved with people and they don't run cause I'm just calling to dump on em. Sometimes it snaps me out of the blues pretty well. It's definitely helping me feel less anxious about being social.
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Old 12-29-2007, 05:26 PM
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I relate to Frosts post 100%.

This is the first Christmas I didn't call my mom, also. Same feelings you mentioned.

Its so interesting to see my fellow acoas list what is going on with their parents, right there, in black and white...

I feel so different now from joining this board...like I got jerked out of the dark and into the light..acoa's need eachother. You guys speaking the truth and sharing your observations are so valuable to me. I realize my mistake now in isolating myself from fellow acoa's these past 2yrs.

I know you guys have given me a "confidence boost". I feel like I *DO* have something to offer to potential healthy friends.

I like your idea/tip about not "dumping" on potential friends. Its like, hey, look at what I've overcome, but, lets get on with life...I think there is a very real potential that the right person is going to admire that..the same way I would admire those qualities.

I feel stronger everyday..I get it from you guys and your strength.

Thank you GiveLove!

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Old 12-29-2007, 06:02 PM
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Frost,

Gosh, I know how you feel. I had kind of an eye-opener with a friend who was NOT a friend for a long time because I was so incredibly high maintenance. One day I think she had had enough of the "dumping" I did so often (which I did to all my friends because I didn't know who else to talk to) and she said, very firmly but nicely, "Why does everything always seem to be so desperate with you? Do you ever not have some painful inner crisis going on?"

Of course, I was mortified by that kind of honesty, and couldn't bear to be around that person for a long time.

Because it was so true. I didn't MEAN to be a walking drama queen, but I hadn't yet realized that I just didn't feel normal unless there was some crisis happening, or someone I was mad at, or someone who was bugging or hurting me, childhood trauma to hash out, etc.

Sigh.

She's back in my life now and it's a good friendship, healthy and balanced. But I had to learn what YOU'VE been learning first.....that our inner work doesn't have to make us a walking soap opera, chasing away potential friends. We get there eventually, hm?

Growing, I did not see my alcoholic stepmother on this trip. I would've preferred that she not know I was home for the holidays (never feeling welcome there anyway) but she found out, and last night she left a drunken, scathing, tearful message on my voicemail. I listened to the first twenty words or so, then "3'd" through the rest of the message, deleted it, and took a long walk around the block. Yuck! Is there anything more uncomfortable to an ACoA than to have someone furious at us??

Today I've got "The Secret" on my iPod, though, and it's driving all those guilty, angry thoughts out of my head. They have a video on their web site that is just really gorgeous - hard to explain, sort of like a set of fantastic affirmations, superimposed on beautiful video and music, and I've been watching it obsessively. I can almost feel myself healing.

Love to everybody as we head into a new year. Hoping that, for all of us, it's our best one yet.
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Old 12-29-2007, 06:41 PM
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"Growing, I did not see my alcoholic stepmother on this trip. I would've preferred that she not know I was home for the holidays (never feeling welcome there anyway) but she found out, and last night she left a drunken, scathing, tearful message on my voicemail. I listened to the first twenty words or so, then "3'd" through the rest of the message, deleted it, and took a long walk around the block. "

YAY!!!!!!

Your handling of this situation is gold to me! This is what I need to hear.

GiveLove!!!! You have done it again...sniff...snifff. This post too!

I am listening to you guys...getting alot from it...wonderful to see this HEALTH...want it for myself...gonna be copying you..lol
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Old 12-29-2007, 06:42 PM
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I am going to try to find "The Secret" now...
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Old 12-29-2007, 06:47 PM
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Here's the video I've been compulsively watching (so you can see how kooky I am) with audio on full-stun

The Secret to You ::: Visualization Tool ::: Official Web Site of The Secret Movie

XOXOX
GL
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Old 12-29-2007, 11:27 PM
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That's encouraging! I need encouragement all the time and your video helps!
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