A lot of this sounds very familiar. GROWING I struggle with letting my toxic loved one's go too. I still find myself reaching for the phone to check up on my mother. This was the first holiday I didn't break and call her. Granted she would have just attempted to manipulate and belittle me but I still got the blues not having talked to her.
I'd love to hear about your progress too. I take little steps out into the world. Today I called a coworker that has faithfully called and texted me. We talked for a while. Its scary to build new relationships because I'm so scared they'll be just like my old dysfunctional ones and I'm still guessing at what is and isn't healthy in a relationship. But I'm working hard on building boundaries and being more sure of myself and my feelings. It seems like I'm building better relationships now too.
I hate it when i start to feel lonely in a house full of people. It just doesn't make sense. I even isolate myself. I think its more I'm feeling down about my mother and I can't just call her up and say "hey I miss you" because I'll just be used and abused. Plus isolation was one of her tactics. If she could keep everyone isolated it was easier to manipulate us. Its weird now I isolate myself some times. I guess its default mode. I try to realize I'm doing it and make an effort to reach out to people. Call to just talk but not unload to new friends. Hey . . . . hows it going . . . . what are you up to. . . It helps me stay involved with people and they don't run cause I'm just calling to dump on em. Sometimes it snaps me out of the blues pretty well. It's definitely helping me feel less anxious about being social.