I am very concerned about your cutting.
Do what you need to do to get away from this. Do what you need to do to get a counselor.
I know you love your mom...I love your mom..she is like my mom....listen....don't trade your life for hers...Don't give yourself away to take away yesterdays pain for your mom.
Don't spend your life on a raw deal. Don't give your life and happiness away to spare your mom a minutess pain...it doesn't help her. Has it helped her? Have you helped her? Or is the truth that your best efforts are band-aids? Tommorow she will drink no matter what you say or do.
I know, I was there. I am an adult now and on my own. You deserve a life of peace like I have now. Throw yourself a rope! Don't drown because she is sinking...Please help yourself...you have your whole life to live..there is a future for you...but your survivors guilt will kill you if you let it. Don't get caught in the quicksand of pity and sympathy/empathy for your mom. She will take you down even if she doesn't mean to...
Don't feel guilty about the horses, tack, trailor ect....Alcoholics do/give outrageous things to assuage all the guilt they have...I know she is great when she is sober....Many alcoholics are..but she will always drink again...
I don't know what else to say...I am very concerned about the cutting.