She is still here
Well, Lauren is still home...for now. She left yesterday afternoon after I went to work and I called home just to check and my grandmother told me she said she was coming to my work, which is about 15 minutes from our house and I waited and waited and finally got a text from a friend of hers, they went to rehab together and it said they were on their way to my work, but before I got the text a hour or so went by and I kept thinking she has done it again but she showed up and was home when I got home from work last night. I really have to wonder if she is really through with it all or not. For some reason I just don't think so. That whole lifestyle really appeals to her and I wish I knew why!!! I told her that granted my life is far from exciting I don't have to worry about the police raiding my house!! The lady that she was staying with that does meth, Lauren says she likes her life!! I said what life??? She said well she does not work and has everything she wants, I calmly said she does not even have a car!!!I told her I colud not compete with that and was not even gonna try!! I tried to explain that in my world if you want something you get up and you go to work!!! I told her I may not have everything I want but have everything I need and you have to work to get these things and nobody owes you a damn thing!! So at this point I am really not sure what her plans are but I am kinda like the song Big Girls Don't Cry!! Its time to get a move on with my life!!! It is real hard to admit that she is no different than any other addict but she is mine and I love her!!! I wrote her a letter yesterday to try to explain how I feel but not sure what she thought, I told her that if something happened when she was using those people would not call 911 or take her to the hospital that they would throw her in a ditch or field and that I could not take wondering if she laid there waiting to die or if she was already dead, I really worry about that and just don't know how to get that out of my mind. The wondering if she is hungry or cold but I know she does not understand that part but I wish she would but I do understand that is part of addiction but I feel really guilty right now, I just thought earlier if she is going to leave I want her to go ahead and go , the waiting and wondering bothers me!!! I told her that it is getting harder in ways every time she leaves trying to pick myself back up and dust off and go again!! There are people in this world that I really don't like but you know I would not ever wish this life on anybody!!! I keep thinking that someday I am going to crumble like a jigsaw puzzle but just don't have the time!!!!!:wtf2