The loneliness of recovery
I'm back in my home now, after flying for a visit to the alcoholic/addict land of my birth, exposure to the dysfunctional family, and all the memories of how badly screwed up my childhood was.
You would think that I'd be relieved to be back here, but the truth is that I feel really alone. Even though my husband and dogs and cats are here, and friends are not far away, I still feel like I lost my family somewhere along the way. They are just all so ridiculous, all involved in some kind of substance abuse, or some kind of denial of substance abuse, or in some gossipy grudge against each other for someone finally breaking free of the substance abuse.....the current scapegoat is a beloved niece of mine who divorced her hard-drinking husband (who is a long-time friend of the family) because she wanted peace and stability for their two kids. On Xmas eve, he had visitation with them, and brought them back to her stone drunk at 2:00am, and she blew sky high. But did my family get angry because he was drunk? No, they got mad at HER because she ripped him a brand new aperture and is threatening to yank his custody if he ever does that again. My brother is a recovering coke addict who still drinks like mad and takes advantage of the kindness of family members. My mother drinks herself into a coma every night, and gets indignant when anyone suggests she may want to do something different.
These are the people I call family, and they no more understand me, and my choices, and my recovery, than they understand the thoughts of a spider monkey at the zoo. Foreign and new-agey is what I am to them, and the looks they think are behind my back are painful. And it's not as though I preach...jeez, I barely say anything at all, and don't get involved in any of the fireworks. But still, *I* am the weirdo now.
I am glad to be where I am in life, realizing what kind of person I want to be and realizing the role alcohol & drugs have played in all my emotional baggage (and working hard on it all). But at moments like now, it still feels as though there are precious few people who truly care about me in the world, and it's hard to do much but sit here with my coffee cup between my palms, staring straight ahead out the window, hoping tomorrow dawns better.
Love to all of you here, my extended family of searchers and healers. I know you know what this feels like.
Hugs,
GL