I first found SR in the summer of 2005. I was desperate and lost and had nowhere to turn. I found myself stuck in a marriage of nearly two decades to an alcoholic and couldn’t see the way out. I read many posts written by people who were just as stuck as I was. It helped to know that there were other people feeling the same way I was. I also read many posts written by people who had found a way out and were living happy lives. I thought they must have something in them that I lacked, because I could never see myself having the ability to overcome my situation.
Around the same time, I reached my bottom. I couldn’t take it anymore and I kicked my husband out of the house. I didn’t know where to go from there, but I just knew I couldn’t continue living the life I had been.
In January 2006, I finally mustered the courage to join and begin posting. This after reading almost daily for six months or so. I had used up all the sympathy my friends and family could offer, and I was still very much feeling angry and victimized. When I first started posting, I wanted someone to agree with me and tell me I had every right to be angry, and that I was indeed a victim of the A in my life. A few people obliged. Many more pointed out that I was the one making my life miserable, and I was the one creating my own pain. I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted to hear how everything was his fault.
Slowly, I began to realized they were right. I was wallowing in my own misery, and it was never going to go away as long as I continued to feed it. The wonderful people on this forum gave me many gentle nudges, and a few swift kicks in the butt. Each and every time I got one of those kicks, I got angry. I fumed and fretted and sometimes even replied back in anger. But, each and every one of those kicks helped me. As a codependent, I didn’t need people to validate my “poor me” thinking. I needed people who could show me a better way, even though it was totally unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
As time went on, and I absorbed some of the wisdom of those who were sometimes blunt and not-so-gentle, I began to get it. And my life started to improve. I started to be one of those blunt and not-so-gentle posters because I wanted other people to get it, too. I saw so much self-inflicted pain on this board that I wanted everyone to see the things I had seen. I slipped back into my codependence by insisting that others here ‘see the light,’ much like I insisted for years that my A ‘see the light.’ As you might expect, my bluntness was met with the same kind of hostility that was my reaction in the beginning. I left SR for several months out of frustration at the lack of recovery on the board. (Or at least that’s how I perceived it.)
These days, I don’t take it personally when someone doesn’t like what I have to say. I don’t feel the need to shove my ideas about recovery down anyone’s throat. I still get frustrated when I read a thread that’s all about someone on their pity pot and others chiming in to commiserate with them. But, I can offer up my experience or opinion and leave it at that. Or I can avoid those threads all together. It really bugs me when those who don't agree with the majority are deemed 'unsupportive.'
What I’m trying to say is, if something someone says here offends you, you may want to step back and figure out why. The posts that offend me the most are the ones that hit too close to home. While my first urge is to type back and get all defensive, it does me a lot more good to consider what was said and the feelings it triggered in me. Then I have the choice of responding in a thoughtful manner, or just letting it go.
I would really be disappointed if SR turned into a place where only warm fuzzy posts are allowed. The posts that helped me the most are the ones that made me mad, and made me think.
Happy Holidays,
L