Reflections on my journey

Old 12-24-2007, 08:54 AM
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Reflections on my journey

I first found SR in the summer of 2005. I was desperate and lost and had nowhere to turn. I found myself stuck in a marriage of nearly two decades to an alcoholic and couldn’t see the way out. I read many posts written by people who were just as stuck as I was. It helped to know that there were other people feeling the same way I was. I also read many posts written by people who had found a way out and were living happy lives. I thought they must have something in them that I lacked, because I could never see myself having the ability to overcome my situation.

Around the same time, I reached my bottom. I couldn’t take it anymore and I kicked my husband out of the house. I didn’t know where to go from there, but I just knew I couldn’t continue living the life I had been.

In January 2006, I finally mustered the courage to join and begin posting. This after reading almost daily for six months or so. I had used up all the sympathy my friends and family could offer, and I was still very much feeling angry and victimized. When I first started posting, I wanted someone to agree with me and tell me I had every right to be angry, and that I was indeed a victim of the A in my life. A few people obliged. Many more pointed out that I was the one making my life miserable, and I was the one creating my own pain. I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted to hear how everything was his fault.

Slowly, I began to realized they were right. I was wallowing in my own misery, and it was never going to go away as long as I continued to feed it. The wonderful people on this forum gave me many gentle nudges, and a few swift kicks in the butt. Each and every time I got one of those kicks, I got angry. I fumed and fretted and sometimes even replied back in anger. But, each and every one of those kicks helped me. As a codependent, I didn’t need people to validate my “poor me” thinking. I needed people who could show me a better way, even though it was totally unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

As time went on, and I absorbed some of the wisdom of those who were sometimes blunt and not-so-gentle, I began to get it. And my life started to improve. I started to be one of those blunt and not-so-gentle posters because I wanted other people to get it, too. I saw so much self-inflicted pain on this board that I wanted everyone to see the things I had seen. I slipped back into my codependence by insisting that others here ‘see the light,’ much like I insisted for years that my A ‘see the light.’ As you might expect, my bluntness was met with the same kind of hostility that was my reaction in the beginning. I left SR for several months out of frustration at the lack of recovery on the board. (Or at least that’s how I perceived it.)

These days, I don’t take it personally when someone doesn’t like what I have to say. I don’t feel the need to shove my ideas about recovery down anyone’s throat. I still get frustrated when I read a thread that’s all about someone on their pity pot and others chiming in to commiserate with them. But, I can offer up my experience or opinion and leave it at that. Or I can avoid those threads all together. It really bugs me when those who don't agree with the majority are deemed 'unsupportive.'

What I’m trying to say is, if something someone says here offends you, you may want to step back and figure out why. The posts that offend me the most are the ones that hit too close to home. While my first urge is to type back and get all defensive, it does me a lot more good to consider what was said and the feelings it triggered in me. Then I have the choice of responding in a thoughtful manner, or just letting it go. I would really be disappointed if SR turned into a place where only warm fuzzy posts are allowed. The posts that helped me the most are the ones that made me mad, and made me think.

Happy Holidays,
L
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Old 12-24-2007, 09:17 AM
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You raise many valid points, as usual!

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
The wonderful people on this forum gave me many gentle nudges, and a few swift kicks in the butt.
In my case, I have had swift kicks in the butt all of my life....done out of anger and not for my benefit, but because of lack of control on someone else's part.

Therefore, I am particuarly sensitive to kicks in the butt. Even if there is much need wisdom there, I shut down to it. It makes me think....that I'm in danger.

Now, if someone else has the same message, but it's done with understanding and compassion, I am much more willing and actually able to hear it and think about it.

Now that's just my example based on my experiences. No, I don't want to be coddled (well, maybe sometimes I do, but not for long), and I don't want to be kicked either. What I respond to best is perhaps something in the middle.

Again, that's just me sharing what works best for me!
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Old 12-24-2007, 09:21 AM
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Of course you know 'kick in the butt' is a metaphor. You're not comparing a blunt post to physical abuse, are you?
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Old 12-24-2007, 09:26 AM
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I remember when I came here no one bugged me more than ASpouse. Many of you may remember her :-). Never did I DREAM that a year later I would be sitting in her kitchen, having her make me lunch, meeting her family, her beloved dogs, as well as antique shopping and eating ice cream together.

There is a great reading in the Al-Anon meetings called the Suggested Closing. Part of it says, "We aren't perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you."

That says it all for me.
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Old 12-24-2007, 09:28 AM
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No, not at all, LTD. Physical abuse never even crossed my mind when I was composing my reply. But I will say that words and tone in a blunt post can be just as hurtful, but in a different way.
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Old 12-24-2007, 09:31 AM
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I think you just made my point.
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Old 12-24-2007, 09:34 AM
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????
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Old 12-24-2007, 09:45 AM
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If I post something, based on my experience, with no ill will or hurtful intention, and you find it hurtful, is it something I need to contemplate, or you?
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Old 12-24-2007, 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
What I’m trying to say is, if something someone says here offends you, you may want to step back and figure out why. The posts that offend me the most are the ones that hit too close to home.
I have this to be true for myself. When I see something that truly bothers me, I am finding its either because I am feeling someone's else's pain too much or its an issue I have been avoiding dealing with. For me, the posts that have open my eyes the most are the one's that impersonally point out something I just can't see for myself yet. I welcome those posts (perhaps not immediately) because they help me grow in my personal journey to recovery.
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Old 12-24-2007, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
If I post something, based on my experience, with no ill will or hurtful intention, and you find it hurtful, is it something I need to contemplate, or you?
I think if it is kept in the "I" form I more than likely wouldn't find it hurtful. I might 'feel for you', but I don't think I would find it as an attack on me, or anyone, generally speaking! There are always those darned exceptions though!

It's when it's put in the "you should" or "how could you" forms that people tread in potentially unfriendly territory, generally speaking also, with those same darned exceptions!

I think one of the greatest difficulties here is you can't see a person's facial expressions (smilies help, but only to a point), and you can't read their body language either. Written word can be so misinterpreted at times.
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Old 12-24-2007, 03:00 PM
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Originally Posted by ICU View Post
Written word can be so misinterpreted at times.
I agree. And if I'm the one doing the interpreting, then it's my reaction that I need to examine, no?

L
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Old 12-24-2007, 03:09 PM
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Gosh, I think we could be here all night, LOL!

I can't give a blanket answer to that in all circumstances. It depends on what is said. Just for an example, if someone calls me an bad word, I don't need to think about my reaction to it, but rather my action! Do I have the need to bicker with that person about it, or not tango with them at all and let their words be a reflection upon them!
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Old 12-24-2007, 03:11 PM
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I'm wondering if we should move this to private messaging.
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Old 12-24-2007, 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by ICU View Post
Gosh, I think we could be here all night, LOL!

I can't give a blanket answer to that in all circumstances. It depends on what is said. Just for an example, if someone calls me an bad word, I don't need to think about my reaction to it, but rather my action! Do I have the need to bicker with that person about it, or not tango with them at all and let their words be a reflection upon them!
Bingo! I can walk away and let it go instead of trying to control the situation and force people to post only nice, warm, fuzzy things that don't offend me (or anyone else), or accusing people I don't agree with of being 'unsupportive."

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Old 12-24-2007, 03:57 PM
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You are amazing. I enjoy your opinions - keep 'em coming.
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Old 12-24-2007, 04:23 PM
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Take what you want and leave the rest. Live and let live, I say.
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Old 12-24-2007, 04:58 PM
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Well, color me blind! It's all in the title of your thread...."Reflections on my journey"! "My" meaning your journey, LaTeeDa's....not mine, ICU's!

Sorry LTD! It doesn't alter my opinions, but, I should have started my own thread!
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Old 12-26-2007, 06:43 PM
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I remember when I came here no one bugged me more than ASpouse.
Me, too, Denny. But then I realized that what bugged me the most about her was that I saw a lot of myself in her posts. I didn't like what she had to say because I didn't like myself. It was like looking in a mirror.

I'm working on liking myself more and I always knew deep down that ASpouse couldn't be all that bad. After all she's a serious dog lover, just like me. I still can't picture ever sitting in her kitchen, but one never knows where the winds will take me, especially since I'm carrying around a Mary Poppins-style umbrella these days.

Good thread, LTD.
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Old 12-27-2007, 09:37 AM
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Thanks LTD. I'm trying to take in as much as I can from everything around me now- and trying not to be offended when I hear something that gets under my skin. I remember almost 2 years ago when I started al-anon- being so crabby about going- why did I need to look at myself- my AH was THE problem. Ohhh how wrong I was! It's been painful, but also eye-opening. I've always been the kind of person to read self-help books, go to therapists. . . never believed I was perfect, but in this situation I kept thinking that if only he'd quit drinking life would be so much better. I'm now focusing on myself. Sometimes I feel very impatient, because emotionally I am not where I want to be- I'm very sad, because we are divorcing. But I also feel like every day is an opportunity to learn something. I get so much out of the posts on this forum. I need to remember it's a process- not a race. If it wasn't hard, I wouldn't be going to a place that's worthwhile. I'd be doing the same old "easy" things and spinning my wheels.
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Old 12-27-2007, 10:22 AM
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once again my friend lateeda, you said it better than i ever could congrats on going through the journey that you have and letting me learn from it and grow from it and become a better person for it.

what you have experienced has not been for nothing. it has been to help me and others here. i am forever grateful.
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