curliQ

Here I am. I am not the drunk they show in the movies. I am never stumbling around or picking fights. I am actually a nicer person when I’m drinking and I think that hurts me the most. I am a functioning alcoholic. Today is day 1. I started drinking when I realized that just a light buzz made the anger and anxiety go away. I could laugh and play and all those things that made me angry and mean just didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t nag my husband, I laughed with my kids. It was nice not having to put an effort into acting lovingly. Truth be told, I’m scared about the person I will be without it. I wish I had the carefree attitude that I have when I have a buzz on. Up until now I have been able to control the alcohol. I never drink if I know I will have to drive, maybe I fool myself into believing I’m a responsible drunk (how funny is that?). Now I have to have a drink just to stop my heart from flipping. I’m up to 1/2 to 3/4 of a 5th a day. I like it so much. I like not worrying. I like being nice without the effort. It is killing my body and my mind. I know it is a problem because my day revolves around it, I hide it, and I am ashamed of it. I am not in control, my precious control for which I use it in the first place. Today is day 1.

I’m so glad I found this forum. You are giving me the strength I need.