Marching to my drum
It’s not easy to be a parent of an addict.
It feels like there is no understanding ‘out there’ for you, no sympathy and worst of all, no answers.
We become, I think, our own worst enemy and if not that we, at least for a while, become judge and jury and the only verdict we are looking for is guilty, guilty, and guilty. My child, my child is an addict, it must be my fault yes?
No.
Recently, I was talking to a woman that found out not so long ago (6 months) that her daughter is addicted to heroin. She reached for my hand and asked me in a hushed tone if I thought it was because her husband had battled depression at one point. I told her no I did not think that was the reason or every child that ever had a depressed parent would be an addict. I also asked her if she thought it to be my fault that I had a child that was a heroin addict. She looked somewhat horrified at my words and answered “OH No! I certainly don’t think that”. So I said ok, if you can look at me and say it’s not my fault, why can’t you do the same for yourself?
Why do we judge ourselves so harshly?
Why do we assume that we are so powerful that we decide or determine if our children will be rocket scientists or drug addicts or perhaps both at the same time hum? The thing is we don’t get to decide and we perhaps should look at things from a different perspective which is: Rather than think you are to blame, consider that this child is yours for a reason.
Perhaps that reason is we are powerful enough to love them unconditionally?
I don’t know, but I think it’s worth considering.
We love them, we teach them, we do the best we can with what we have and the rest is up to them isn’t it?
My son is currently three years clean, or will be next month. I’m very proud of him but I take no credit for his successes or his failures, they belong to him.
Everyone has to find their own way, that’s the painful truth of this: I’ve so wanted to help other parents I talk to and to teach them immediately all that I’ve learned. Well, I also learned that can’t be done and it’s all a process and we all have to proceed at our own pace and in our own way.
Cutting off all contact never worked for me, I’ve always had contact with my son one way or the other, because that’s what works for me. I did learn how to have contact and not enable, it’s rough, it’s all really rough isn’t it?
It’s changed me but I like the new me.
Sigh