Marching to my drum

Old 12-18-2007, 10:28 AM
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Marching to my drum

It’s not easy to be a parent of an addict.

It feels like there is no understanding ‘out there’ for you, no sympathy and worst of all, no answers.

We become, I think, our own worst enemy and if not that we, at least for a while, become judge and jury and the only verdict we are looking for is guilty, guilty, and guilty. My child, my child is an addict, it must be my fault yes?

No.

Recently, I was talking to a woman that found out not so long ago (6 months) that her daughter is addicted to heroin. She reached for my hand and asked me in a hushed tone if I thought it was because her husband had battled depression at one point. I told her no I did not think that was the reason or every child that ever had a depressed parent would be an addict. I also asked her if she thought it to be my fault that I had a child that was a heroin addict. She looked somewhat horrified at my words and answered “OH No! I certainly don’t think that”. So I said ok, if you can look at me and say it’s not my fault, why can’t you do the same for yourself?

Why do we judge ourselves so harshly?

Why do we assume that we are so powerful that we decide or determine if our children will be rocket scientists or drug addicts or perhaps both at the same time hum? The thing is we don’t get to decide and we perhaps should look at things from a different perspective which is: Rather than think you are to blame, consider that this child is yours for a reason.

Perhaps that reason is we are powerful enough to love them unconditionally?
I don’t know, but I think it’s worth considering.

We love them, we teach them, we do the best we can with what we have and the rest is up to them isn’t it?

My son is currently three years clean, or will be next month. I’m very proud of him but I take no credit for his successes or his failures, they belong to him.

Everyone has to find their own way, that’s the painful truth of this: I’ve so wanted to help other parents I talk to and to teach them immediately all that I’ve learned. Well, I also learned that can’t be done and it’s all a process and we all have to proceed at our own pace and in our own way.

Cutting off all contact never worked for me, I’ve always had contact with my son one way or the other, because that’s what works for me. I did learn how to have contact and not enable, it’s rough, it’s all really rough isn’t it?

It’s changed me but I like the new me.

Sigh
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Old 12-18-2007, 10:54 AM
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Your signature line says it all!
God bless,
susan
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Old 12-18-2007, 11:13 AM
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mother of a heroin addict here......
I believe as a parent we are supposed to protect our children from everything and that would include addiction. So when the worse happens, we failed as a parent. I no longer have this thought (well not often anyway) but thats what I think brings the guilt feelings.
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Old 12-18-2007, 12:18 PM
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Rather than think you are to blame, consider that this child is yours for a reason.
This quote in particular, has touched me so deeply that I can't express it. (...)

Thank you Sigh for a wonderful thread. Each and every word written reflects what is in my heart and mind as well.

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Old 12-18-2007, 12:25 PM
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It is funny that this morning when my daughter texted me that she was not coming for Christmas and that she did not love me, the first thing that I thought was what have I done wrong now. I spent the morning blaming myself because in the past I have said some pretty mean things to her about her addiction. So, of course, I think that I am getting what I deserved. Then I had to remember all of the wonderful things that I did for her that far outweighed the few bad times( and those times were caused by addiction). Thanks Sigh, I needed to read that. Hugs, Marle
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Old 12-18-2007, 03:38 PM
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When you think that your childs addiction is 'your' fault, Take a look at or read the book "A child called It" and ask yourself why He doesn't have an addiction to drugs. You can be THE WORST, ABSOLUTE WORST MOTHER who abuses your child to where they should not be alive and they can grow up to be a child activist and best selling author or you can be the best mom in the world and they can grow up to be an addict.

You don't get to decide which, unfortunately. In turn you don't get to take blame. You can only do the best you can.
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Old 12-18-2007, 03:40 PM
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SIGH
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Old 12-18-2007, 04:18 PM
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Wow!! You women are fantastic. I'm new to posting but have been reading this site for a bit. My son is addicted to cocaine. He completed an 8 week rehab this summer and seems to be doing well. I don't trust the fact that I think he's doing well do to the addiction and what I'm learning. I am going to alanon and conceling (sp)) and am trying hard to not be so co-dependent but its hard. Hopefully I can get there~~~with some help. My question for tomight is this. How do you handle Xmas and alcohol in your homes? My therapist says its my house and I can give him the option of showing up later..right before dinner~~~bring a sponsor with him.......or not come at all. I would like to just have a non-alcoholic evening but this disease doesn't belong to everyone else...Thanks for some feedback on this. Smiles, BBD
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Old 12-18-2007, 04:53 PM
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Sigh

As a parent of a Heroin addict (daughter) I often start to blame me
Then I remember that I have a wonderful son
They were raise with the same parents, given the same values, loved the same.
When I remember that I know it wasn't me.
Trisha
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Old 12-18-2007, 04:56 PM
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((Sigh))

Special hugs to you and your son, you always have a special place in my heart and in my prayers.

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Old 12-18-2007, 05:11 PM
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I apologize for posting in the middle of a thread...I'm new to this and hope I can be forgiven..Bonnie
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Old 12-18-2007, 06:03 PM
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BBD...
No need to seek forgiveness...
I am sure no one took offense...

why not start a new thread and ask your question

I think it would spark some lively responses and it's certainly a situation many people will face

Sigh
so good to hear that you and your son are both doing so well....
wishing you a blessed and healthy new year...
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Old 12-19-2007, 01:23 PM
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Done-with-it.....sending in for you warm hugs, you somehow always make me smile, you do you know, you just do.

BBD- For the holidays, in fact all year around I choose not to have anything addictive in my house. I thought especially when my son was living here it would ease a bit of temptation, truth of the matter is-it does not matter what you decide because our delightful addicts decide for themselves what they are going to do and sooner or later they will be in a situation where drinks are served. You were offered good advice about speaking to your son prior to the holiday. You are so busy thinking about everyone else do you hear your own voice? What would YOU like, as the Dr said..it's your house
PS you don't have to apologize for asking any sort of questions in my threads I've been here forever, don't let my low posting numbers fool you the number should read like a zillion

Everyone else - monster big hugs for each and every one of you

sigh
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Old 12-19-2007, 01:31 PM
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I have to add something else. Alcoholism is sprinkled almost as freely as blue eyes in my family tree. When I married and had children I was determine that addiction would never touch my babies. I have nothing against people having a glass of wine, or keeping something to drink in their homes. I simply choose not to. I honestly thought I was powerful enough to keep addiction out of their lives. I never saw heroin coming, never saw it coming. So much for the best of plans hum? Long and short of it is..it really does not matter. Stuff happens and we deal with it.
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Old 12-19-2007, 07:12 PM
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I honestly thought I was powerful enough to keep addiction out of their lives. I never saw heroin coming, never saw it coming. So much for the best of plans hum? Long and short of it is..it really does not matter. Stuff happens and we deal with it.
Sigh, You have such a wonderful way of saying in words how I feel in my heart.

Happy holidays my friend. So happy to hear that you and your son are both doing well. Mega-hugs!
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Old 12-19-2007, 07:24 PM
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((sigh))
Your posts always touch my heart.

I too, felt guilt and blame,and shame, in the beginning. Thank goodness I'm past that now, it was a heavy load.
Also, I, too feel these sons were born to me for a reason.

Addict, or not, I love them both with all my heart and soul.

thanks ,
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Old 12-19-2007, 09:17 PM
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Dear Parents,
It is NOT your fault. I wish mine would believe me and everyone else when we tell them it's not.
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Old 12-20-2007, 04:47 AM
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great post sign. it is not our faults our children turn out as they do,good or bad. it is their actions not our,their chioces not ours. you always lift me up & i am always glad to see you. have a merry christmas & as always i am happy for you & for michael. miracles happen. hugs, hope
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