Depression is anger turned inward. I get that way to at times. It is Christmas and everyone elses house seems like a nicer place to be. The aloneness is enhanced. The love that isn't. The fun of the holidays seems like a fantasy. The things we crave are simple and free. We don't want big fancy presents. We want to feel love and belonging. My husband has kicked his drinking up a knotch. He's having a wonderful time. Buying holiday rounds on me. Coming home grumpy. I put up the tree, got all the presents.
He drinks liquor over the holidays which is really extra special. He is drinking now. Tonight is my work Christmas party and I'm going.
This si a time of year when all deficits seem to be maginfied.
The good news is it sounds like you are reaching the point of change.
Youwill stand on the line between change and resignment. You will realize that you can detach and have a life...and never leave the house.
Watching someone kill themself is supposed to be hard.
You have to come to a spiritual place inside your self that allows you to detach. The techniques don't work until you feel it in your heart. I think you are in that process.
Maybe you aren't giving up, maybe you are just retreating to reconsider your options. You will rise back up. This war is exhausting. Alcoholics always lose.
We all take on this beast and the fight ends when we say "enough". War over.