hopeangel

i really feel like going numb again. i did a really good job not feeling anything for seven years...denying my needs, wants, and desires. then something happened and i started "feeling" again and knowing what i want even going after it...floodgates opened. that is a very raw and vulnerable place. it involves a lot of risk.

the last five months i have really fought to open up, express myself, grow. now i feel as if i am shutting down again. shutting it all off. i am not crying and not saying anything, but it is leaving me feeling depressed, sad, oh and angry! because it just feels safer now. i'm familiar with it and know how to do it well. my "safe" place..ugh!

oh side note, ah comes home and crashes his truck right into our garage wall AGAIN last night...i don't know why he doesn't get a DUI already (without himself or anyone else getting hurt of course). he comes home and runs into things. it is really scary.

mallowcup

Depression is anger turned inward. I get that way to at times. It is Christmas and everyone elses house seems like a nicer place to be. The aloneness is enhanced. The love that isn't. The fun of the holidays seems like a fantasy. The things we crave are simple and free. We don't want big fancy presents. We want to feel love and belonging. My husband has kicked his drinking up a knotch. He's having a wonderful time. Buying holiday rounds on me. Coming home grumpy. I put up the tree, got all the presents.
He drinks liquor over the holidays which is really extra special. He is drinking now. Tonight is my work Christmas party and I'm going.
This si a time of year when all deficits seem to be maginfied.
The good news is it sounds like you are reaching the point of change.
Youwill stand on the line between change and resignment. You will realize that you can detach and have a life...and never leave the house.
Watching someone kill themself is supposed to be hard.
You have to come to a spiritual place inside your self that allows you to detach. The techniques don't work until you feel it in your heart. I think you are in that process.
Maybe you aren't giving up, maybe you are just retreating to reconsider your options. You will rise back up. This war is exhausting. Alcoholics always lose.
We all take on this beast and the fight ends when we say "enough". War over.

WantsOut

I'm going to try to give you some hope, angel

This time last year - boy did things suck. I was fired from my job because I was an emotional mess and unable to get it together, and partly just cause the woman in charge didn't like me. My ex was drinking like a fish and heaping guilt on me for kicking him out. My son was doing so poorly in high school that I didn't think he was going to graduate on time. I was also obsessed with a man who treated me like crap and I ate it up like it was candy. oh boy. and honestly things got worse for a while. ExAH got arrested. It took me months to find work. etc etc etc.

Oh boy but here we are a year later. I have a date on Friday with a man who is 11 years younger (woo woo). I have a great job. ExAH quit drinking and I take some credit for it because I stopped enabling him. He is happy too and dating a nice girl. Son did gradute and is no longer a mediocre HS student - now he's a mediocre college student

I have problems but I've learned to stop the panic. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I have taken these two phrases to heart:

Be happy for this moment, for this moment is your life.

Life offers you a thousand chances. All you have to do is take just one.

2007 sucked for me. Totally sucked. As the Queen said of the year Diana died, this was my annus horribilis. But 2008 - it's going to be my year, baby.

You may have struggles ahead. Today may not be the holiday fairlyland we wished for as children. But you are alive and drawing breath and there are a thousand possibilities and as long as those things are true there is hope, angel.

With affection,
WantsOut

Rella927

True WantsOut! And the advice given in Wants post is hard to follow!

HopeAngel.... honey hang in there-please do not shut down on us-keep posting and letting out what you feel inside and know that you are not alone in this-

Maybe start to look around at those "thousands of offers" and grab onto to just one-do not forget about you!

Al-Anon and counseling have helped to guide me through rough times and be more aware of my life today-I may not always grab those chances and slip up once in awhile but that is ok-but being afraid is not something I could choose to live with in my life anymore-

There are choices out there try grasping onto one and not letting go-keep the faith

hopeangel

"Maybe start to look around at those "thousands of offers" and grab onto to just one-do not forget about you! " - thanks rell, i really need to hear this today.

awesome post mallow and wantsout!!! both of your insight is priceless and right on!!!

wantsout -stella got her grove on - you inspiration you

mallow- sorry your going through this "extra special time" of year with your ah. totally understand and am here for you too. have fun at that party tonight. i know i did when i went to mine.

2008 here we come!!!

Pajarito

(((hopeangel))) This is such a hard time of year when things just don't seem to be going right. I think all of the above got it right- feel your feelings, keep coming here, go to alanon for support, do some things you love, journal. Anger is a hard one. I feel angry too- but I try to let it out in healthier ways- walking hard with my dog. . . journaling, read, read, read. You are feeling the way you are because you are changing. It's hard. Hang in there. I'm thinking of you!

hopeangel

yep paj, i think they got it right too. counseling last night helped too. funny, i heard all the things i have heard here. mostly, go easy on myself and not beat myself up. i am trying real hard to do that now. i made a decision, ya know, good or bad, and, it just is.

i was thinking, decisions should not be so hard. if i had so much hesitation and it was so hard, maybe it was not the right decision for whatever reason? there shouldn't be so much doubt right and it shouldn't be that hard when it is right right?

not talking to friends and family and listening to so much advice from them seems to be helping me. it was just too overwelming. i'm just allowing myself to be quiet over the holidays and just feel what i feel hoping growth and change will come out of it and what is meant to be will.

oh rella, thanks to you, i took a risk today and allowed myself to tell someone how i feel. i fought that urge to shut down completely and didn't allow myself (at least without making my feelings know first thanks girl!

Pajarito

hopeangel- Here's what my counselor told me this week- I asked her about divorce- is it something that you just know you need to do without a doubt- 100%- OR is there maybe a little voice inside of you that feels so much pain that you'll wonder if what you are doing is right? It's HARD! She divorced a man she loved many years ago- he cheated on her. I feel like I am doing essentially the same thing- divorcing a man I love. It absolutely sucks, but I know it's the right thing to do. I don't have so much doubt that I am going to stop at this point- I just have enormous sadness. My wonderful counselor told me I am mourning what I wanted- my dream- which is a very real loss. Her (2nd) husband counsels people on the loss on things that are intagible- a miscarriage, loss of mobility, loss of dreams. I think that is what hurts the most. Talking about it with her is helping- reading your posts and writing about what we're going through helps. It's so hard to talk sometimes. I kept my AH's drinking a secret for years- from everyone. Now that I am opening up I feel so much support. I wish I had done it years ago, but I wasn't ready. Just keep taking those baby steps. If you reach out you will open up and so will your life.

hopeangel

thanks paj, that's exactly my plan right now -to keep reaching out and seeing where it leads me.

thanks for the miscarriage comparison. i've had two miscarriages and i know, without a doubt personally, that was the biggest, hardest loss i have ever had. i don't think divorce will come close to that pain. it doesn't help that i partially blame ah for the miscarriage because he was drinking the night before my ultrasound and he upset me because he didn't want to go with me. i got hysterical, hyperventilating. the next thing i knew i got sharp pains. the next morning the baby was gone of course, i blame myself A LOT more than ah for allowing myself to get that upset.

everyone can tell me that it wasn't my fault, but i will never believe that.

by far, the hardest loss i have ever suffered. the pain never goes away, but you do move on.