((((Givemeabreak))))
Oh, hon... you do need a break. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I am a big believer that most addiction is hereditary... just like blonde hair and blue eyes. I don't "Blame" anyone for my haircolor... nor do I "blame" anyone for my addiction - it just is.
Every single mom of an addict has this guilt... this "I shudda" ..."what if"... "Why didn't I".... [fill in the blank]
In fact, at my kid's rehab, they went around the room, and among the 20 sets of parents, we heard - I should have let him play more - not been such a hard ass... I shouldn't have been so irresponsible, I took him out of school to ski... I should have been a stay at home mom... I should have worked to show an example of responsibility.
You name it, we each thought we caused it. By the time we completed the circle, it was nearly humorous.
The fact is - none of us can
CAUSE
CONTROL
CURE
the addiction. In Alanon, they call that the 3Cs... probably one of the first things I heard there that really stuck.
I was told at my kids rehab that out in the general population, about 10% of the population has something like depression or bipolar or ADD or ADHD.... all combined. But the kids coming into rehab, over EIGHTY PERCENT were on meds for one or more of those conditions.
Now, it is likely that there is a higher level of those conditions among addicts - but not THAT much more. The fact is, addiction mimics almost every mental illness there is... and doctors are not trained to spot it, so why would parents think to?
I know *I* thought my kids meth addiction was just teen age rebellion - changing clothes, changing hair, resisting authority, sleepiness, sleeplessness, raging, mood swings. But it was addiction, all along. So I didn't see meth addiction in my kid for four years... and she lived in my home. FOUR years! I still have trouble believing how blind I was. But I was.
And I still tend to be, when it comes to my kids. I WANT to believe they are going to be ok. I WANT to believe life will be easier for them than for me.
But their path is their path... not mine. I don't get to pick. All I can do is love them and get out of the way.
And believe... with all my heart... that there is a power that is bigger than me... bigger than them... and bigger than their addiction. I do believe it. And that helps me very much.
I figured most of this stuff out by going to Alanon - a lot. I started at once a week, but when things really started rolling, I increased my meetings to 3 or 4 a week.
I wish you the best, and will keep you both in my prayers.
(((hugs)))