How could I have been so blind

Old 12-17-2007, 09:16 PM
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How could I have been so blind

Its about a week now since my son overdosed on Morphine. I think I have been numb because it is hitting me so hard now. How could I have been so stupid and not know he was using???? He doesnt live with me, but he lives close by and I see him all the time.
I am an addict, clean since 1994... and thought I was so worldly. Yet I fell for every line he told me, believed his lies and stories. And I dont know what to do. And then I think, if it was just the drugs I could deal with it, but he is also mentally ill. Bipolar, Personality disorders, you name it. And there have been times I have been so afraid of him, and then the next minute he is prince charming. I believe he is dangerous and I believe he is my little boy. And yet now I wonder how much of this has been the drugs. And I feel like it is my fault because I was an active addict when he was a baby. *The facts are the doctors have told he my son is a herion addict and needs to go on methadone. And that they dont expect to see him alive if he ever comes to the hospital again, due the quantities of drugs he is taking.*

And I am talking in circles now, and I just want him to feel peace, and I want not to be afraid that he will hurt one of the other children some day, and everything is just spinning. I have been seeing a councelor for years, so I know the ropes, but I feel very out of control. I dont think I have felt like this since I was using.

Last edited by givemeabreak; 12-17-2007 at 09:22 PM. Reason: dazed..... and in pain
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Old 12-17-2007, 10:18 PM
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My heart goes out to you during this very difficult time. I wish I had some words of wisdom or comfort to make everything better. But all I can offer is my thoughts and prayers for both you and your son. Please keep posting. I know there will be someone with more experience in this area along shortly with more support. :ghug2
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Old 12-17-2007, 10:20 PM
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((((Givemeabreak))))


Oh, hon... you do need a break. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I am a big believer that most addiction is hereditary... just like blonde hair and blue eyes. I don't "Blame" anyone for my haircolor... nor do I "blame" anyone for my addiction - it just is.

Every single mom of an addict has this guilt... this "I shudda" ..."what if"... "Why didn't I".... [fill in the blank]

In fact, at my kid's rehab, they went around the room, and among the 20 sets of parents, we heard - I should have let him play more - not been such a hard ass... I shouldn't have been so irresponsible, I took him out of school to ski... I should have been a stay at home mom... I should have worked to show an example of responsibility.

You name it, we each thought we caused it. By the time we completed the circle, it was nearly humorous.


The fact is - none of us can

CAUSE
CONTROL
CURE

the addiction. In Alanon, they call that the 3Cs... probably one of the first things I heard there that really stuck.

I was told at my kids rehab that out in the general population, about 10% of the population has something like depression or bipolar or ADD or ADHD.... all combined. But the kids coming into rehab, over EIGHTY PERCENT were on meds for one or more of those conditions.

Now, it is likely that there is a higher level of those conditions among addicts - but not THAT much more. The fact is, addiction mimics almost every mental illness there is... and doctors are not trained to spot it, so why would parents think to?

I know *I* thought my kids meth addiction was just teen age rebellion - changing clothes, changing hair, resisting authority, sleepiness, sleeplessness, raging, mood swings. But it was addiction, all along. So I didn't see meth addiction in my kid for four years... and she lived in my home. FOUR years! I still have trouble believing how blind I was. But I was.

And I still tend to be, when it comes to my kids. I WANT to believe they are going to be ok. I WANT to believe life will be easier for them than for me.

But their path is their path... not mine. I don't get to pick. All I can do is love them and get out of the way.

And believe... with all my heart... that there is a power that is bigger than me... bigger than them... and bigger than their addiction. I do believe it. And that helps me very much.

I figured most of this stuff out by going to Alanon - a lot. I started at once a week, but when things really started rolling, I increased my meetings to 3 or 4 a week.

I wish you the best, and will keep you both in my prayers.


(((hugs)))
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Old 12-17-2007, 11:57 PM
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I'm a recovering addict too, and I totally missed my daughter's addiction (although in retrospect, all of the classic signs were there for all to see). How come? Because we are moms, and we naturally will try to deny what is much to0 painful to accept. I didn't use for most of my daughter's life. She had a loving, calm home. both her parents are addicts and she just got our genetically flawed material.

I too, started second guessing everything - Maybe if she had been forced to participate in more after school activities, maybe if I had not let her have so many sleep-overs in grade school, blah blah blah. But it doesn't matter- in the end its just a disease that we both share.

When i first became aware of my daughter's addiction, (her BF at the time rang my bell one morning and told me she was deep into cocaine - actually it was crack by then and he didn't even know that), I was in a state of shock and crisis for weeks.

then I started to minimize it telling myself, she already knows about recovery, so she'll stop soon. She just needs to go to treatment and then she'll stop. When that didn't work, I tried to force consequences - called the cops on her, (0ver and over again), but it never seemed to get me (or her) anywhere. I ran the gamut of emotions. I was loving, I was screaming, I was threatening, i was silent, I was crying and begging, I threw her out, i asked her to come back..... then she went missing for almost a year. I had to wonder daily if she was alive or dead. i went thru the grieving process over and over. I worked the first 3 steps in my NA program over and over on a daily basis just to get up off the couch and be able to function. I needed to function because i have a life to live whether she is using or not.

But after a while, I came to realized this was her addiction and her path to follow to whatever bottom she needed to have. She's still using (crack and heroin) and has been a prostitute, stripper, homeless, and now is HIV positive. None of these has constituted a bottom for her. However, I have learned to accept her addiction and her the way she is. She knows I love her now. She knows she can ask me for help to get clean and I will go pick her up and work hard to find her a bed in a treatment facility. Right now she says "not yet".

So I come here and read stuff, and reply to stuff when I have some experience with it, and I continue to pray a lot. Most days I'm pretty OK, (its amazing what we can come to accept. but it takes time.) some days I'm still crazy, but I know what to do about it now.

You have come to the right place!
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Old 12-18-2007, 12:15 AM
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Hi givemeabreak.....

I spent 10 years dealing with 2 of my childrens
various addictions.

I finally turned them over to God's care
and let go of the insanity.

Prayer and Al anon helped me immensley.

Blessings to you and your family
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Old 12-18-2007, 02:26 AM
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(((Givemeabreak)))

You didn't cause it. Neither did I. My son is a heroin addict. Bipolar too. I identify with just about everything you've stated. But, we can't change it, control it, or cure it. We can learn to cope with it, though.

Please get to alanon or naranon. And a book that I found very helpful was Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I learned how to identify and own what was mine and what was not. The insanity you're experiencing is a result of trying to control that which is not yours. Well, at least it was for me...

I look forward to getting to know you as we both grow in our recovery.

Shalom!
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Old 12-18-2007, 02:47 AM
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I WAS aware of my son's drug use, long before he admitted it, and even knowing, there was nothing I could do to stop it. Oh, I tried, I tried love, offering shelter and a safe home to live in, I tried negotiating, manipulating, controlling, begging, crying and pleading but addiction was just bigger than me. We can't love our addicts clean, if we could not one of us would be here.

Like Carol, I give my son to God every morning and then live my life in peace, knowing he is in good hands.

Meetings and learning to work the 12 steps helped me, as did SR and the support of all my friends here.

My prayers go out for your son and for you. Addiction truly is a family disease.

Hugs
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Old 12-18-2007, 03:40 AM
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((((((givemeabreak))))))



The sharing and experience before me, imho, are great moms.
I, too, am a mom to an addict. He's 26 now, and I found out
about his heroin addiction at 19. He lived very close to me, as
well. We saw each other often. I felt like I'd been sideswiped
when out of the blue one day, I asked his gf if he was on
"something". To my shock and horror, she told me to check his
forearm. When asked, he just laughed at me and pulled his
long sleeve shirt up over his wrist. I grabbed his arm, shoved
his shirt almost to his shoulder blade in my haste, and saw
both our lives flash before my eyes. When he began to cry,
I knew I wasn't too late. There was methadone, detox twice,
relapse, methadone again, relapse, and finally jail for 6 months
for robbing my home.
I thank God daily and am forever grateful that my son finally has
taken his disease "from" me and began his own recovery his
own way. He drank for a while after jail. Started smoking weed
again. Stopped the drinking, went to a psychiatrist and counselor,
and is now medicated for bi-polar and depression. He tells me
he occasionally smokes weed, when available, but that he's
done with that "sh*t" that almost took his sanity and life.
I don't live with him anymore, but we talk daily and I'm still
his No. 1 fan. He's doesn't work a recovery program, like I would
prefer him to, lol, but it's working for him. He got away from the people,
places, and things. By removing himself from the temptations, he's doing
pretty well. One day at a time.
Keep coming back and sharing. Looking forward to getting to know you.
Sending healing prayers,

p.s. Congratulations on your sobriety. What an accomplishment!Hugs.
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Old 12-18-2007, 06:50 AM
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hi and welcome to sr
I have a question for ya, if you knew about his addiction, what do you think you could have done about it? I know I couldn't do a darn thing and I found out about my son's heroin addiction pretty early in his use. Only now to I realize I have to step back, grit my teeth and pray he goes down the right path.

Prayers to you and your son
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Old 12-18-2007, 07:20 AM
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My son is bipolar self medicates with drink and coke and abuses his prescription meds, he only gave up weed because he's allergic to it,yes I know...go figure. He's overdosed on several occasions and I have nearly lost him on several occasions to his suicide attempts. He has terrorized my family, trashed my house and broken in through the roof. And yes he too can be 'price charming' when he needs to be. I know his life is hell, he's been that way since he first started drugs at 16, (to my knowledge) he's done rehab, you name it. I've loved him throughout his lying, stealing etc. now he is 31 years old and is still in the same mess. It's not OUR fault, sadly it's up to the addict themselves. I am trying to detach with love, although recently he's trying to contact me on a regular basis, he has a daughter nearly 4 years old and I've been to the courts about his behaviour, the tribunal is pending. Please take care of yourself and the rest of the family and try to make boundaries with him, I know it's not easy but our own sanity is worth it JMO Be safe
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Old 12-18-2007, 08:28 AM
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prayers from another mom,
susan
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