givemeabreak

Its about a week now since my son overdosed on Morphine. I think I have been numb because it is hitting me so hard now. How could I have been so stupid and not know he was using???? He doesnt live with me, but he lives close by and I see him all the time.
I am an addict, clean since 1994... and thought I was so worldly. Yet I fell for every line he told me, believed his lies and stories. And I dont know what to do. And then I think, if it was just the drugs I could deal with it, but he is also mentally ill. Bipolar, Personality disorders, you name it. And there have been times I have been so afraid of him, and then the next minute he is prince charming. I believe he is dangerous and I believe he is my little boy. And yet now I wonder how much of this has been the drugs. And I feel like it is my fault because I was an active addict when he was a baby. *The facts are the doctors have told he my son is a herion addict and needs to go on methadone. And that they dont expect to see him alive if he ever comes to the hospital again, due the quantities of drugs he is taking.*

And I am talking in circles now, and I just want him to feel peace, and I want not to be afraid that he will hurt one of the other children some day, and everything is just spinning. I have been seeing a councelor for years, so I know the ropes, but I feel very out of control. I dont think I have felt like this since I was using.