Telesius

Hello, and thanks for this great forum, it's been an invaluable source of inspiration for me.

I would like to hear your opinion about my situation : Heavy drinker
or Addict ?

Since i was 16 i loved to get drunk on parties and during weekends.
Now i'm 33 and i can hardly remember a sober friday or saturday night.

While i was studying and working full time i basically drank only
on weekends, and rarely had any beer or wine at home.

While in holidays i could get drunk almost every day or at least drink
a lot every night or every two nights.

2 months ago i traveled far away for a month, and i drank almost
every 2 days, from a minimum of 3-4 (66cc) beers to a maximum
of 15 beers, when drinking wine i could easily drink 3 bottles of red wine.

I never vomit or feel really sick.

Now, since 2 years i work as a freelance at home and this
greatly contributed to my self poisoning : as long as i worked
in offices i was forced to stay sober and then trash my mind in weekends.

But NOW with nobody controlling if i'm sober or drunk i keep drinking
more and more until 3 days ago i finally realized i'm POWERLESS and for
the first time in my life i prayed God.

I basically drink every 3 days.
I can't drink every 2 days or every day : the simple idea of drinking
while recovering from the previous binge makes me sick.
In this moment for instance i don't drink since 3 days and next to my desk
i've empty bottles of wine and 3 cans of beers, i feel no impulse to
drink the beers nor i feel sicks by any means, just as usual ashamed of
my lack of self-control and ashamed of ME.

Yes, it all starts with the infamous "i'll drink just ONE beer..."
and then i find myself going to a convenience store in the middle
of the night to buy more booze.

I drink "socially" in weekends, but now i really love to drink by
myself at home as well.

Often i go at supermarket buying food i don't need just to put
some bottles and packs of beer in the basket.

Moreover, i'm surrounded by small convenience stores open 24x7,
one even in the ground floor of my building so as long as i wanna
drink it takes me 2 minutes to come back home with some booze.

In the past i've quit drinking even for 2 months, recently for one or
two weeeks with NO physical or mental problems at all.

But all in all, i get drunk at least 2 times a week.

My job is a creative work, and of course i feel very inspired when
writing and designing while having a glass of wine on my desk.

So much that often i feel i can't focus well without some booze.
This is scaring the **** out of me.
But the inspiration i get from booze is why i like it so much.
If you're paid to be creative there's simply no denial booze
will give you weird ideas.

So this is my loop, i can always find a good reason to drink,
if i have good news i drink to party, if i have bad news i drink
to forget about it, if i'm bored i drink because of boredom, if
not i drink for inspiration or for relax etc

I just never plan to drink SO much but i simply can't stop
after the first glass.

If i finish the booze my brain invents a very good reason
to go outside and buy some more.

And probably i would do it even i lived far away from the stores,
i would probably plan buying huge amounts of booze instead of few
bottles at a time.

I know almost any convenience store and supermarket in my area.
To avoid looking like a regular drinker each time i rotate the store
where i buy booze.

Now, this really makes me think i DO have a problem !
I'm really going beyond social drinking.

But at the same time i don't have the withdrawal symptoms many
of you describe in this forum, nor i can remotely think about drinking
every day or even in the morning !

So, the big question is .. Am i just a heavy drinker or not ?