Yeah i've been retreating to my room a lot lately, I'm very blessed that when we renovated my parents gave me and my sister very large rooms with room for sofa's, desks, bookshelves etc. First step I think would be to clean that beautiful room I'm lucky enough to have, when you're depressed it's kinda easiest to "live off the floor". Let clothes accumulate there and if u have to get out of ur pj's pick up whatever is closest to your feet. Lol.
I also didnt take any Xanax this morning so so far I've been able to study for my uni exams but Xanax or not, macroeconomics is pretty hard to grasp. I've applied for and been granted special consideration by my university. My plan is try and study, try and sit for the exams, and just see what the outcome is. I'm smart naturally, I can absorb things when I myself don't even know I'm listening, so i've been blessed in many ways despite the challenges I do suffer at times.
I'm very grateful for the support that has been given to me on here. Thankyou everyone. The advice and support has really helped me a lot. I do have a therapist/psychologist but it helps to talk to "normal" people who aren't being paid to say "I'm sorry to hear that".
I hope one day when, like Kindeyes said, "I get my emotional feet under me" that I can help people with what i've learned and show support and provide advice, especially any other daughters coping with this disease. I think i do have a ways to go though.
I'm still so confused about my own feelings, my family is back together, my dad is at home not drinking trying to seek help but i just feel like dashing this situation to pieces like little toddlers do when they mess about puzzle pieces or a beautiful block creation you make for them. I think i was just so sick of my family looking right but it not being right, and now it seems to be all better, but it's not, and i'm not and i can't pretend like they are anymore. I'm gonna take each day as it comes, although i wish i could completely switch off from them I can't.
I will live my own life, trying to finish my degree, keep going to work and making money to shop (my favourite form of therapy, my shoe cupboard paints a sad story when you realise each pair of shoes = an internal hurt), I will keep spending time with my friends, and I won't be afraid to go out and have a good time after exams and get a bit tipsy or drunk, because I think that's ok for me, i rarely do it, Im young and I"M not the alcoholic, he is.
I'm strong, I know i've got something special, like a maturity that's gonna take me places, a self awareness, which i discovered as I endured years (still am) of depression. It has blessed me really, i won't deny the years of pain, but i have learnt so much about myself, how strong I am, how complex I am, and inside how beautiful I am. I know if i can just get to the right place, I will excell in what I do. I know the fields and areas I'm passionate about, but right now i'm still working with vague goals. This situation with my family, hurts like hell, and just like the depression at times it feels like it's just gonna break me for good, but i never seem to break, i don't think i will, I just think It'll teach me things other people will never learn in their lifetime, and make me as strong as all you wonderful people on here. From tragedy comes triumph, some of you are there, and some of you are still on the way there, me, I'll get there one day...