He's choosing alcohol over me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 38
He's choosing alcohol over me...
Hi everyone,
I have no idea how I ended up on here, I can't believe we are "that" family...
I'm a teenager at university still living at home with my mum, dad and little sister. We have a really "normal" family life. My parents have good jobs, we are financially stable, we get on well. Even we believe we are "normal" sometimes. But what's normal these days...
My dad, like his father, drinks heavily, I'm still not really comfortable using the word alcoholic, even though he drinks a bottle of wine a night after a beer or two or perhaps a gin and tonic or two, but then again his gin and tonics are pretty much double strength. He has been doing this for over 10 years. Every night. He doesnt get abusive, or violent, he just becomes a different person. He's drunk. My mum hates it, my little sister is only just starting to notice it.
My mum says things all the time, she sleeps in my bed when she can't stand the smell of alcohol that emanates from his passed out carcass. He likes to go to bed early, but he just goes to bed to pass out. Our family doctor has told him to stop, especially since he is on Zoloft. Lately he has been becoming increasingly angry, volatile, unpredictable, it's clear he can't hold his alcohol anymore. He swears/curses around me badly, sometimes to me. We never use that language in our family. It's not appropriate, we've all told him this. I wrote him a letter and told him how it hurts me when he drinks, how every time i hear him poor a glass of wine a little bit of me dies and i hate him just a little bit more. I told him i know he can stop drinking... i want him to stop drinking, but he ignored the letter, and chose alcohol over me...
I have no idea how I ended up on here, I can't believe we are "that" family...
I'm a teenager at university still living at home with my mum, dad and little sister. We have a really "normal" family life. My parents have good jobs, we are financially stable, we get on well. Even we believe we are "normal" sometimes. But what's normal these days...
My dad, like his father, drinks heavily, I'm still not really comfortable using the word alcoholic, even though he drinks a bottle of wine a night after a beer or two or perhaps a gin and tonic or two, but then again his gin and tonics are pretty much double strength. He has been doing this for over 10 years. Every night. He doesnt get abusive, or violent, he just becomes a different person. He's drunk. My mum hates it, my little sister is only just starting to notice it.
My mum says things all the time, she sleeps in my bed when she can't stand the smell of alcohol that emanates from his passed out carcass. He likes to go to bed early, but he just goes to bed to pass out. Our family doctor has told him to stop, especially since he is on Zoloft. Lately he has been becoming increasingly angry, volatile, unpredictable, it's clear he can't hold his alcohol anymore. He swears/curses around me badly, sometimes to me. We never use that language in our family. It's not appropriate, we've all told him this. I wrote him a letter and told him how it hurts me when he drinks, how every time i hear him poor a glass of wine a little bit of me dies and i hate him just a little bit more. I told him i know he can stop drinking... i want him to stop drinking, but he ignored the letter, and chose alcohol over me...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
I am sorry you are sad and have to cope with this sad situation like so many of us have. Something that helped me see was that it was the alcohol or his disease. I knew that my Alcoholic in his right mind wouldn't say what he said or do what he did if it weren't for the alcohol. My alcoholic is sick and needs treatment for his disease. He has to believe he is sick himself, I can't tell him. He still to this day blames everyone but himself for his lot in life. I know it is hard. You are in a really good place on this site. There is so much experience and strength here. It matters what you do to take care of you in this time. Coming here is a great place to start.
Hilary
Hilary
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
My 8-year girl just burst into tears last week after seeing that he was spending her inheritance and said: "Then, Daddy doesn't love me!" I had to tell her that he loved her, but that addiction is so powerful, it can make people do things they don't necessarily want to do. It's very sad and very unfair for you. And I am sorry you have to go through it. Just know that you are not alone. My thoughts are with you! Remember you can't cure it. Just take care of yourself and remove yourself from volatile situations.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Whew!
Mama, thanks for that post. I was just sitting here feeling a little low and guilty and about to email my xabf back...he is wispering sweet nothings to me lately and I need to ignore him.
However, reading about your little girl just broke my heart! I am so sorry she's sad. Poor thing!
Your post re-affirmed my decision to stay away from xabf...we were nearly married and talking kids before I left him! I pray I never have to comfort and reassure my kids that their idiot father really does love them! (I'm not talking about yours, I'm talking about MY idiot xabf, in case anyone takes that the wrong way. I can just see our future as bright as day right now...me crying more than the babies because drunk husband is passed out on the couch all day!
)
However, reading about your little girl just broke my heart! I am so sorry she's sad. Poor thing!
Your post re-affirmed my decision to stay away from xabf...we were nearly married and talking kids before I left him! I pray I never have to comfort and reassure my kids that their idiot father really does love them! (I'm not talking about yours, I'm talking about MY idiot xabf, in case anyone takes that the wrong way. I can just see our future as bright as day right now...me crying more than the babies because drunk husband is passed out on the couch all day!
)
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
the disease drives the addiction to unspeakable behavior.
There is no power to control it....the family looses its place in thier priority.
Thats just the way it is. Try al-anon, honey....it helps...suggest it to your Mum....and you. There is help, hope and love there to greet you.
There is no power to control it....the family looses its place in thier priority.
Thats just the way it is. Try al-anon, honey....it helps...suggest it to your Mum....and you. There is help, hope and love there to greet you.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
(((((((daddyslittlegirl)))))))) Welcome to SR. You aren't alone! I can relate to how you're feeling, most of us can. I certainly never imagined we would be [I]that[I] family, just as you said.
Please come and visit SR often. It 's comforting to know that there are lots of people out there who are in the same boat. You are far from alone.
Remember, your Dad's disease is all about him. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you can take care of yourself and your sister.
Keep us posted, we're here for you!
Please come and visit SR often. It 's comforting to know that there are lots of people out there who are in the same boat. You are far from alone.
Remember, your Dad's disease is all about him. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you can take care of yourself and your sister.
Keep us posted, we're here for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
If my XABF wanted me back (zero chance of that), there is one thing that would stop me dead in my tracks. My family. I am NOT going to expose my 85 year old dad and my 19 year old daughter, who both live in my house, to R's horrible behavior. If we don't want to be an example for ourselves, we've GOT to for our children.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
well you title of this thread pretty much says it all.
it's taking me a while, while to come to that conclusion.
And it's taken me a little bit longer to accept that.
it's taking me a while, while to come to that conclusion.
And it's taken me a little bit longer to accept that.
Last edited by SaTiT; 12-05-2007 at 05:30 AM.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'm sorry you are going thru this daddyslittlegirl. The pain from an alcoholic parent is truly awful. Both my parents were alcoholic. It shaped my life in so many ways.
Please take care of yourself. Learn about alcoholism and how its effecting you. Perhaps try AlAnon or therapy to help you understand yourself and what you can do for yourself.
Please take care of yourself. Learn about alcoholism and how its effecting you. Perhaps try AlAnon or therapy to help you understand yourself and what you can do for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Tryingtoheal... you're welcome! So glad my post helped. Definitely try to avoid having babies with an alcoholic. I never understood this illness growing up. Figured I grew up with it, so it can't be so bad. But, my soon-to-be exAH was that bad. I sometimes wish he would just disappear from our lives. It's too painful dealing with him, not because I still have feelings for him, but because I have to deal with him regarding the children. I feel so good when I have no contact with him.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Daddyslittlegir....I am so sorrythat this is so hard...
My father was an alcoholic when I was very young , my mother became an alcoholic in her fifthties...and now my daughter is struggling with alcoholism....I am only NOW dealing with how my parents alcoholism shaped my life. Dealing with the woundedness of how my daughter chooses alcohol over a relationship with her mom, has been a very long and painful road. I now know the power of this disease and I also know my daughter loves and cherishes her mom and if it were not for the disease, she would not behave as she does. Hang in there, and keep posting, there is a lot of help here for you and your mom.
My father was an alcoholic when I was very young , my mother became an alcoholic in her fifthties...and now my daughter is struggling with alcoholism....I am only NOW dealing with how my parents alcoholism shaped my life. Dealing with the woundedness of how my daughter chooses alcohol over a relationship with her mom, has been a very long and painful road. I now know the power of this disease and I also know my daughter loves and cherishes her mom and if it were not for the disease, she would not behave as she does. Hang in there, and keep posting, there is a lot of help here for you and your mom.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
((((((((daddyslittlegir))))))))
Welcome to SR. You will find understanding, knowledge, love and support here.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic. I am also an alcoholic that is over 26 years sober and I am also a member of Alanon.
Great advice above. Hopefully you can find an Alanon meeting or 2 or 3 or more that will help you greatly in learning how to live and deal with an alcoholic parent.
Please remember the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Your father is sick, he suffers from an addiction that can be extremely hard to let go of. Many never do.
I strongly suggest that you and your Moms head for Alanon. It will do wonders for you and help you explain to your little sister, that daddy is sick, very sick.
Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Welcome to SR. You will find understanding, knowledge, love and support here.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic. I am also an alcoholic that is over 26 years sober and I am also a member of Alanon.
Great advice above. Hopefully you can find an Alanon meeting or 2 or 3 or more that will help you greatly in learning how to live and deal with an alcoholic parent.
Please remember the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Your father is sick, he suffers from an addiction that can be extremely hard to let go of. Many never do.
I strongly suggest that you and your Moms head for Alanon. It will do wonders for you and help you explain to your little sister, that daddy is sick, very sick.
Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 38
Thankyou so much to everyone who took the time to reply to my post. I can't tell you how much using this forum is helping me to move forward. Your advice and even just telling me you know what it's like really helps me to feel not so alone in this.
I'm not quite ready for al anon or anything like that just yet. I can type the word alcoholic, and only question it for 5 or 10 seconds afterwards, but i can't say it just yet. It's a lot harder when there is such a facade of "normalacy" and function between 9-5 as mum and i say.... It makes you question whether it's you that's jumping to conclusions, it helps being at an age where mum will discuss it openly with me, as sarcastic as we may get about it, it helps both of us to know that if we both believe he has a problem, then there must be some truth to it. That and the 10-14 bottles of wine in the recycling bin at the end of the week....
I'm not quite ready for al anon or anything like that just yet. I can type the word alcoholic, and only question it for 5 or 10 seconds afterwards, but i can't say it just yet. It's a lot harder when there is such a facade of "normalacy" and function between 9-5 as mum and i say.... It makes you question whether it's you that's jumping to conclusions, it helps being at an age where mum will discuss it openly with me, as sarcastic as we may get about it, it helps both of us to know that if we both believe he has a problem, then there must be some truth to it. That and the 10-14 bottles of wine in the recycling bin at the end of the week....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Originally Posted by daddyslittlegir 
I'm not quite ready for al anon or anything like that just yet. I can type the word alcoholic, and only question it for 5 or 10 seconds afterwards, but i can't say it just yet.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 38
Thanks mama, It's definately something i will consider. Perhaps in my own time i will work up to it. Right now i'm still living in hope that he's not all the way gone and something or somehow he will just cut down one day, judging from the realism on this site i'll probably get a quick slap in the face for thinking that, but i suppose someone has to shake me out of my naivety before i get even more hurt waiting for something thats never gonna happen. It's just sad to me that i have to become so cynical before i've even turned 19...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I'm sorry about your dad DLG.
it drove me crazy to live with my agf..I love her very much.
it has a familar ring to it thou...it drove me nutz to live with
my alcoholic dad.
There's a function of dysfunction is a house hold I grew up in.
Please don't blame yourself for any of this.
Maybe you can try Ala-teen
it drove me crazy to live with my agf..I love her very much.
it has a familar ring to it thou...it drove me nutz to live with
my alcoholic dad.
There's a function of dysfunction is a house hold I grew up in.
Please don't blame yourself for any of this.
Maybe you can try Ala-teen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 38
yeah right now i'm giving Xanax a go, i'm just too on edge. i got to work today and just exploded... he's different tonight, doesnt seem to be drinking as much or isolating himself, i can sorta see a bit more of dad... but like it's been said, one night cant make up for 10000's of nights drinking. Hopefully things come down a notch cos right now our household is like a powder keg, and there r plenty of sparks to ignite it.
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