Originally Posted by
finally 
I'm stuck & don't know where to go from here.
Anyway my question is what to do about it. I'm an alcoholic of the one night binging variety. I don't have to drink often, but if I have 1 drink, sometimes I will have many & will blackout. The next day I will suffer with physical ickiness & depression & will do what I have to but no more. There is no joy in that! At this point, my drinking is only a problem to myself. But that is enought for me & I'm worth it (sorry). Everyone else is on their own. Actually, I wrote that but the codependent part of this is still iffy. I've been testing not drinking (6 weeks off, 1 night on, 3 weeks off). My life is so much better with no alcohol. I like myself more.
So although I've decided this, it's not quite that easy. This all makes perfect sense but there will always come a day when there's a nice bottle of wine & I won't remember what makes my life better.
I went to Alanon & admitted I was powerless (over other's drinking) but got totally stuck on the higher power. At that point I decided it was all too hard & it would be easier to just not deal with any family problems. It helps that I don't live with them. I've never been to AA. I'm not sure I can accept yet that I'm powerless but it sure seems pointless to keep doing what I'm doing until I reach that point.
What to do? How to get the life I want?
It sounds like you accept the fact that when you drink that first drink you never know if you will wind up in a blackout or just really drunk. Although you can go for periods of time without the alcohol right now in your life, I consider the inability to control once you take that first drink as a form of powerlessness. You also state that you can set your mind to not drinking but when you see that nice bottle of wine sitting there your determination to not drink goes out the window. This could be interpreted as powerless over the first drink.
There are many stages of alcoholism. You will find people here who wound up homeless and in the gutter before they were able to find help. You will also find people who had the outside look good intact but the inside is what drove them here. Binge drinkers, maintenance drinkers, problem drinkers, they are all here. For many it is just a matter of deciding how far down they want to go before they reach their hand out and accept help. It sounds to me like you are reaching out for help.
From my perspective, you already have admitted you are powerless over alcohol (see the first paragraph of my reply). You also state that your life is better and you like yourself more when you are not drinking, that could be interpreted as your drinking interferes with the manageability of your life. If you put the two thoughts together then they add up to the first step of A.A.
Admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Just my observations on your post.
Glad you are here and hope you find a solution to your problems.