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Many of us struggle with the the issue of forgiveness when it comes to our spouses (or other family members) who are addicts. I know I did. My STBXAH made double sure that I struggled with it. I was constantly reminded of my obligation to forgive him because of my faith. I was berated with his interpretation of scripture; I was constantly listening to him quote verses about "marriage", "forgiveness", and "love". He knows how strong my faith is and how much it means to me, and he used it for years to control me.

On the issue of forgiveness-I believe that many, many people get stuck in abusive, hopeless relationships because of the mistaken idea that if you forgive someone, that means you forget what happened and reconcile the relationship. This is just not true! Over and over in scripture, God commanded his people to remember the things He had done, and to remember what their rebellion had cost them. He set boundaries and he set into motion the laws of life-including the old 'reap what you sow' principle. Over and over scripture admonishes what happens when people choose to live their lives outside the will of God.

Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the person who harmed you. Forgiveness is for yourself. It is so you don't let someone else's abuse of you consume your heart and soul. It is letting go of the anger and the need for revenge. It is the only way to find peace. It IS NOT blindly trusting someone who has repeatedly hurt you. It IS NOT opening yourself up to a person who does this. Forgive? Of course! But trusting someone who has proved repeatedly to be untrustworthy is foolish and can be very dangerous.

Of course, we all hurt each other many times and we all need forgiveness. In normal, healthy relationships this is usually possible. When there is repentence on the part of the offender, and forgiveness on the part of the offended, then perhaps reconciliation can take place. But when someone repents, they turn away from their hurtful behavior. They not only acknowledge their behavior, but they take full responsibility for it and get to work changing it! They don't just say "I'm sorry, you have to forgive me because you are a Christian" and then continue on their merry way to murdering your very soul. And they certainly don't say the thing I heard all those years "i'm sorry, BUT if you had/hadn't (*whatever*), then I wouldn't have done (*whatever*)!

I am in the (hopefully) final stages of divorce after 25 years of marriage to my husband. I forgave him in the wrong way over and over and over again. I opened myself up, and allowed my children to be exposed, to completely unacceptable behavior in the name of Christian forgiveness for many years. It took my seeing my two grown sons struggling with the fallout of their childhood for me to see and acknowledge that the "forgiveness" that my ex demanded and I extended was not forgiveness at all. It was foolishness.

So, have I forgiven him now? Absolutely! Will I ever allow him access to my heart again? Absolutely not! Do I pray for him? Daily! But not for my own selfish desire that he become what I want him . I pray that God will have His way with my stbx, and I pray that he may somehow find recovery. Am I going to waste the rest of my life waiting around for it? No way!