Forgiveness vs trusting: 2 very different things

Old 12-05-2007, 09:50 AM
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Forgiveness vs trusting: 2 very different things

Many of us struggle with the the issue of forgiveness when it comes to our spouses (or other family members) who are addicts. I know I did. My STBXAH made double sure that I struggled with it. I was constantly reminded of my obligation to forgive him because of my faith. I was berated with his interpretation of scripture; I was constantly listening to him quote verses about "marriage", "forgiveness", and "love". He knows how strong my faith is and how much it means to me, and he used it for years to control me.

On the issue of forgiveness-I believe that many, many people get stuck in abusive, hopeless relationships because of the mistaken idea that if you forgive someone, that means you forget what happened and reconcile the relationship. This is just not true! Over and over in scripture, God commanded his people to remember the things He had done, and to remember what their rebellion had cost them. He set boundaries and he set into motion the laws of life-including the old 'reap what you sow' principle. Over and over scripture admonishes what happens when people choose to live their lives outside the will of God.

Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the person who harmed you. Forgiveness is for yourself. It is so you don't let someone else's abuse of you consume your heart and soul. It is letting go of the anger and the need for revenge. It is the only way to find peace. It IS NOT blindly trusting someone who has repeatedly hurt you. It IS NOT opening yourself up to a person who does this. Forgive? Of course! But trusting someone who has proved repeatedly to be untrustworthy is foolish and can be very dangerous.

Of course, we all hurt each other many times and we all need forgiveness. In normal, healthy relationships this is usually possible. When there is repentence on the part of the offender, and forgiveness on the part of the offended, then perhaps reconciliation can take place. But when someone repents, they turn away from their hurtful behavior. They not only acknowledge their behavior, but they take full responsibility for it and get to work changing it! They don't just say "I'm sorry, you have to forgive me because you are a Christian" and then continue on their merry way to murdering your very soul. And they certainly don't say the thing I heard all those years "i'm sorry, BUT if you had/hadn't (*whatever*), then I wouldn't have done (*whatever*)!

I am in the (hopefully) final stages of divorce after 25 years of marriage to my husband. I forgave him in the wrong way over and over and over again. I opened myself up, and allowed my children to be exposed, to completely unacceptable behavior in the name of Christian forgiveness for many years. It took my seeing my two grown sons struggling with the fallout of their childhood for me to see and acknowledge that the "forgiveness" that my ex demanded and I extended was not forgiveness at all. It was foolishness.

So, have I forgiven him now? Absolutely! Will I ever allow him access to my heart again? Absolutely not! Do I pray for him? Daily! But not for my own selfish desire that he become what I want him . I pray that God will have His way with my stbx, and I pray that he may somehow find recovery. Am I going to waste the rest of my life waiting around for it? No way!
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Old 12-05-2007, 10:12 AM
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Mine is the same way brings up my faith, last time he started I brought up 1 tim 5 :8 which basically says a man who doesnt provide for his household is without faith. He's stopped. I believe there's a scripture wherein you forgive but the person has to turn around their ways and repent, most of our exs never turned around or we'd be with them
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Old 12-05-2007, 10:48 AM
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well said Duet...very nicely said of how we MUST forgive or we die inside.

Im praying daily and mightily for my ex husband. The resentment is overwhelming at times. I want to be free and Im willing to go to ANY lengths to be so.

Thanks for sharing.
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Old 12-05-2007, 11:10 AM
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Very well said duet. JMHO. It's just manipulation. Sometime ago in counseling, I learned that forgiveness really is to heal our own wounds, and that an apology, a true, sincere and proper apology is made when a person has empathy for their transgressions, is remorseful, recognizes the hurt that was caused, and specficially takes full responsibility by saying "I'm sorry that I said or did x, and that you felt y because of it. I understand how and what you feel and I'm truly sorry that I made you feel that way. I will try my best to do z to make sure that it doesn't happen again".

If we forgive regardless of whether there is a truly sincere apology, it is entirely for ourselves. But an apology can help sometimes make us ready to forgive by removing some of the hurt, and apologies seem to help not only those receiving it, but those who are making it too, because "most" people who are capable of empathy feel bad about what they have done and need to heal from that as well.

My exagf did not seem to know much about empathy or apologies. I forgive her because I know she has a problem, but I don't accept her problem, and I don't have to let her be a part of my life if I don't want to. And I don't
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Old 12-05-2007, 04:11 PM
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What a wonderful perspective. Thanks for sharing. I never really looked at a forgiveness as a way to mend myself.

thank you thank you
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Old 12-05-2007, 05:48 PM
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Duet -

thank you for such an insightful and healing post. I have wrestled with the forgiveness issue and finally understood that forgiveness and reconciliation are two completely different things. Forgiveness is something that I do for myself. God gave us memories because we need them....they help us to make our decisions for the future. I know that reconciliation is possible when the other person truly gets what they have done and is able to own that what they did was wrong and own the hurt that went with it. Also, reconciliation can occur when the other person is willing to make amends. Then, the issue of rebuilding a relationship can be addressed. That is why trust takes so long to rebuild.....it just all takes time.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

Donna
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Old 12-06-2007, 03:14 AM
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((((((Duet))))))))))

You are just shining, girl! You are so right about the forgiveness thing. I wrestled with it too. It wasn't until I realized that it was a gift to ME...not the person I was so angry with (my exah) that I was willing to give it a try!!

When things were at their worst with my exah...and I was in so much pain and fear...my exah told one of our mutual friends that I would never divorce him because I am Catholic. It was like he thought he had a free pass to do whatever the hell he wanted. Oh, did this hurt! I realized that he had been using my faith (something so so dear to me) as a weapon against me the whole time! He tried saying things like I wasn't honoring my wedding vows...but I simply told him in a very calm voice one day that I had prayed and prayed about it and that I was at peace with God over my decision to divorce him. I think he could sense the peace in my voice when I said it because he never tried to use the religion card against me again!

Anway,
I hope things are well with you Jen. As I said,your recovery and strength are so inspiring !!!

Hugs...
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Old 12-06-2007, 05:01 AM
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Originally Posted by outonalimb View Post
he had been using my faith (something so so dear to me) as a weapon against me the whole time! He tried saying things like I wasn't honoring my wedding vows...but I simply told him in a very calm voice one day that I had prayed and prayed about it and that I was at peace with God over my decision to divorce him.
I told my ex this, as well. I hope he gets it one of these days. He still tries to play the 'God card' any and every time I talk to him. I guess because it was what I always always caved to in the past when I would try to get away from him. The biggest difference for me this time in that respect is my pastor, who completely understands (has a sister who is a meth addict) and supports what I am doing. Ex hates that. He tries to discredit the pastor with me; the man is a PhD and one of the most respected pastors in our neck of the woods. God led me to that church in a very unusual way several years ago. When I sit back and look at all the things God has done for us this year, I can hardly believe it!

As for being strong, I don't always feel that way. But the good times are much more often than the bad!

(((((hugs))))))
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Old 12-06-2007, 07:51 AM
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Very well said Duet.
My struggle had always been with Forgiveness v. Tolerance. I had a hard time separating the two. I thought if I forgave my exah then it meant I was sending a message of Tolerance for his drug abuse. I soooo did not want to do that, so for a long time I was just angry and I felt like I had to show my anger. To stay in that kind of anger just to make a point is exhausting. At some point I gave up the anger and reconciled with the fact that it is okay to forgive him because to forgive him also meant forgiving myself for enabling him and for allowing myself to stay in such turmoil for so long. I was brought up to be mindful of myself, what and who I surround myself with and to care about myself....to seek out what is best for me. I abandoned myself for over 3 years in marriage. My exah did what he did and I had no control over any of that except for me. Oh yes, I had to forgive myself for all of that and make a promise to myself that I will never abandon myself again...Nope...not this girl, not anymore.
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Old 12-06-2007, 08:28 AM
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forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion - - - sometimes hard to separate but easier when you look at it two different ways
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Old 12-06-2007, 09:17 PM
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Great post and responses...Thank you!
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