I Guess I Am An Addict
That's the first time I have ever written those words. God knows, I've thought them before, but that was in the safety and privacy of my own head. So please allow me to vent--and please feel free to offer your thoughts and opinions. This is the **first** time I've ever said this in a public forum.
I know in my heart this has been coming for a long time, but recent events have pretty much demonstrated that I need to take action.
The history: I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug abusers on both sides of my family. I always thought I was somehow "immune" because I have always managed to drink/drug/smoke/abuse without any major consequences.
My grandfather killed himself with booze and drugs at 52 years old. My mother knocked on death's door many times during her driinking befrore finally entering recovery 20 years ago. My brother has been shot, stabbed, imprisoned, fired, evicted, and more due to his drug and alcohol abuse--and is now in recovery for three years.
And here I am, 45 years old, successfully self-employed, in a monogamous relationship, fairly well off financially, friends, all the trappings of what some consider a good life. Except that up until a week ago, I was drinking every night, occcasionally washing down a few Vicodin with the booze. That's been going on in one form or another ever since I had my first beer at 13.
So I went for a medical check up last week (first in three years), and, of course, the blood results came back and my liver enzymes are a mess. Doc says the damaage--so far--is reversible, but her orders were to quit drinking.
So--it's been five days. I'm not going insane wanting a drink, but I do think about it. There's booze in the house, but I haven't had a drink in five days--and neither has my partner.
But he's out of town this wekeend, I'm alone, so I'm sitting here cruising on Vicodin, smoking cigarettes again (after 5 years off them), and going a bit insane, worried that I'm killing my liver and myself, wanting some peace in my freakin' head!
And it occurs to me that indeed there is some huge hole in my soul that I have attempted to fill with substances for over 30 years now. I can recite the 12 steps simply because they are gospel iun my family--but I also have dismissed them as akin to Fundamentalism.
But something's got to give. How to fill the void? AA? NA? Pure will power? A monestary?