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I Guess I Am An Addict

Old 11-23-2007, 05:59 PM
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I Guess I Am An Addict

That's the first time I have ever written those words. God knows, I've thought them before, but that was in the safety and privacy of my own head. So please allow me to vent--and please feel free to offer your thoughts and opinions. This is the **first** time I've ever said this in a public forum.

I know in my heart this has been coming for a long time, but recent events have pretty much demonstrated that I need to take action.

The history: I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug abusers on both sides of my family. I always thought I was somehow "immune" because I have always managed to drink/drug/smoke/abuse without any major consequences.

My grandfather killed himself with booze and drugs at 52 years old. My mother knocked on death's door many times during her driinking befrore finally entering recovery 20 years ago. My brother has been shot, stabbed, imprisoned, fired, evicted, and more due to his drug and alcohol abuse--and is now in recovery for three years.

And here I am, 45 years old, successfully self-employed, in a monogamous relationship, fairly well off financially, friends, all the trappings of what some consider a good life. Except that up until a week ago, I was drinking every night, occcasionally washing down a few Vicodin with the booze. That's been going on in one form or another ever since I had my first beer at 13.

So I went for a medical check up last week (first in three years), and, of course, the blood results came back and my liver enzymes are a mess. Doc says the damaage--so far--is reversible, but her orders were to quit drinking.

So--it's been five days. I'm not going insane wanting a drink, but I do think about it. There's booze in the house, but I haven't had a drink in five days--and neither has my partner.

But he's out of town this wekeend, I'm alone, so I'm sitting here cruising on Vicodin, smoking cigarettes again (after 5 years off them), and going a bit insane, worried that I'm killing my liver and myself, wanting some peace in my freakin' head!

And it occurs to me that indeed there is some huge hole in my soul that I have attempted to fill with substances for over 30 years now. I can recite the 12 steps simply because they are gospel iun my family--but I also have dismissed them as akin to Fundamentalism.

But something's got to give. How to fill the void? AA? NA? Pure will power? A monestary?
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Old 11-23-2007, 06:15 PM
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Welcoem to SR....

Here is a link to the book that convinced me to quit drinking

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Yes...I do use God and AA to stay sober
and enjoy the benefits.

Good to see a new member...:comfort
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Old 11-23-2007, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by buckinvirginia View Post
That's the first time I have ever written those words.
Hi Buck:

There is no guesswork here. Either you are are one or you are not. If you can't stop doing what you are doing in the face of negative consequences, then you are one.

Peace.
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Old 11-23-2007, 06:47 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you have 5 days sober. Stopping drinking is the first step on the road to recovery but there is a lot more to do after that. Realistically, we wouldn't be poisoning our bodies with pills and alcohol if we valued ourselves. The road to recovery for me, involved letting go of a lot of beliefs I had about myself and seeing myself as I really am and accepting myself.
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Old 11-23-2007, 07:48 PM
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Hi,

Welcome to our recovery community - I'm a recovering alcoholic and pill addict. I got sober and stay that way by attending AA and connecting regularly with others who are in recovery. I'm glad you decided to join us and hope that you choose recovery - you are worth it.
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Old 11-23-2007, 07:51 PM
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Fundamentalism?

In my experience I personally know catholics, methodists, baptists, jews, muslims, buddhists and atheists that are all staying sober with the help of AA. This doesn't even include probably the biggest category "none of the above", for those whose spiritual beliefs don't fit into any nice neat little category.

Nothing fundamentalist about that at all. Go to AA and make up your own mind.
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Old 11-23-2007, 11:50 PM
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You can do this!

I am a recovering pill junky and I know the damage it can do. I too started smoking a pack a day when I began taking pills. They make you want to smoke if you are or have been a smoker (in my experience and that of others I have met in recovery).

I found the strength to give it up here. I came here every night and read until I had enough of the high chasing and threw it all out. It has been a little iver 30 days and its tough but NOTHING like it was and I am so happy to be feeling little signs of good health.

Stay on here. People really do care and will support you. I continue to come here multiple times throughout the day to remind me why I am choosing sobriety.

Good luck and keep posting!
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Old 11-24-2007, 03:01 AM
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buck
But something's got to give. How to fill the void? AA? NA? Pure will power? A monestary?
surrender to it!

and fill that soul void!

glad your here buck...


good wishes

rz
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Old 11-24-2007, 05:00 AM
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Hello buckinvirginia, glad you are here. I'm a fellow newbie who has also been struggling with an addiction to alcohol (seven days sober today) .

Can totally identify with your thoughts about the 'Hole in the Soul'...have thought along similar lines in my darker moments. But am coming to believe that drink exaggerates that feeling, and, however unfulfilled and incomplete I may feel (for whatever reason) it's a whole lot easier to deal those feelings when not using alcohol to hide from and/or punish myself for them. Tend to agree with Anna; it's about valuing oneself - drink may produce an illusory sense of self esteem, but that vanishes with the hangover and associated self-loathing. Stick with sobriety and you may find that the void isn't as huge or scary as you think.

Anyway, sorry for wittering on. Hope you find it as helpful here as I have.
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Old 11-24-2007, 05:58 AM
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My personal way I stay sober is 12 step meetings. I take what I need from them and leave the rest in the room. I'm not religious either, but I do take comfort from being in a room full of others who are like me. Meetings also keep me accountable to myself.
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Old 11-24-2007, 06:01 AM
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AA works for me!
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Old 11-24-2007, 07:07 AM
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Hi!
Welcome aboard! And congratulations on your 5 Days!!
Thanks for sharing your story. Perhaps it would be a good idea to throw out the booze you've got in the house.
I'm not only an alcoholic but I'm just realizing in the past few days that I must be a complete addict. I get addicted to anything and everything (alcohol; gambling; medication; collecting things etc ect). During the past few days I've been thinking of getting myself locked up in detox or jail, anything to keep me out of trouble. But you've just given me a good idea: a monestary! Thanks for the inspiration.
Have a nice day, and let us know how you're getting on.
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Old 11-24-2007, 10:34 AM
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But something's got to give. How to fill the void? AA? NA? Pure will power? A monestary?
Will power doesn't work...a monestary would be a bit extreme...my strong suggestion would be a combination of AA and NA meetings. You'll find folks to identify with in both meetings, and the 12 Step programs are the same.

Your "guess" about being an addict sounds pretty accurate; although, of course, you're the only one who can make that decision. However, if it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck...
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Old 11-24-2007, 12:02 PM
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Welcome to SR...

Keep posting, we are glad you found us...:morning
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Old 11-24-2007, 06:57 PM
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BTW, didn't it feel good to admit it? Like a weight was lifted from your shoulders?
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