[QUOTE=nandm;1550876]. My childhood was a little on the strange side. We were not allowed to show emotion. Got in trouble for laughing too loud, crying, being too happy, being too sad. I developed some coping mechanisms for this that I still have trouble with today. It can be quite frustrating at times because I know that I am safe now but I still have trouble expressing my emotions. It is easier for me to write down what I am feeling than express it verbally.
Wow, this describes my life EXACTLY.
Everyone's comments have been really helpful. I have worked the steps with a sponsor, twice....yet this stuff hangs on. Maybe I am expecting myself to be "better" too quickly....there are plenty of people in my meetings who have 20+ years of sobriety, and I probably compare myself to them (and actually, they readily admit they are still working on things all these years later).
It is so, so, so hard for me to walk into a meeting and say "I need help". I feel like I should try to help other people. I feel like if I ask for help, I am making a big deal out of small things and taking help away from people who *really* need it.
I think I want to get numb, because then I won't NEED help - but I obviously just proved myself wrong on that account, because now I am going to have to get up the courage to pick up a white chip, and if that isn't an obvious statement of "I need help", than I don't know what is.