Notices

Numbing Out

Old 11-03-2007, 08:51 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 51
Numbing Out

As I posted a few days ago, I had what I hope was just a "slip" after over 2 years of continuous sobriety. Looking back at the time leading up to it, I realize I was trying to numb out with all sorts of things - too much time on the internet, too many sweets - and just isolating and trying to "get away" from life. Taking a drink was the last step in what was actually sort of a long journey, although I didn't realize it at the time.

I'm sure I'm not the only alcoholic who has this need to get numb. It's hard for me to admit, but I hate feeling pain, and more than that, I hate letting others know that I'm in pain. I always come across as cheerful at meetings, even when I'm hurting. I know it sounds like dishonesty, but really, I grew up in an abusive home and have these coping mechanisms that I can't let go of and that I barely even recognize while I'm doing them. Coming across as "ok" when I'm not is a biggie.

I feel like I can't move forward in the program without dealing with this. I mean, I can not drink, one day at a time, but can I really be sober? Can I really live? Has anyone else dealt with this? How can I move past it?

I'm trying to get to extra meetings, and I went to one today I've never been to before. Someone there said SOBER stands for "Son of a b****, everything's real!". I laughed out loud, because that is SO how I'm feeling right now.

Hope this makes some sense to someone....
earthmama is offline  
Old 11-03-2007, 08:55 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
No more merlot, more mamma
 
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi Earthmamma,

Yup, all of what you wrote makes a lot of sense! Are you working the Steps? I've found a lot of knowledge in doing the work, and I am slowly changing. For the better! There is a way to get to the reasons why you drank..it's all right there and can be changed.

Big hugs,

Karen
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA is offline  
Old 11-04-2007, 12:47 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
New things have come to light
 
Slowbriety's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Downtown Nashville , TN
Posts: 306
Originally Posted by earthmama View Post



I feel like I can't move forward in the program without dealing with this. I mean, I can not drink, one day at a time, but can I really be sober? Can I really live? Has anyone else dealt with this? How can I move past it?

Work the steps with a sponsor, it worked for me. Sobriety is a process and a slow one at that. Getting well takes time and dosent happen over night.
Slowbriety is offline  
Old 11-04-2007, 01:49 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Life the gift of recovery!
 
nandm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Between working the steps and seeking outside help I am to the point I only on rare occassion have the feeling of wanting to numb out. My childhood was a little on the strange side. We were not allowed to show emotion. Got in trouble for laughing too loud, crying, being too happy, being too sad. I developed some coping mechanisms for this that I still have trouble with today. It can be quite frustrating at times because I know that I am safe now but I still have trouble expressing my emotions. It is easier for me to write down what I am feeling than express it verbally. My children and SO have had to learn that my appearance of coldness and detachment at times are related to my coping mechanisms and are not about them. I still am in counseling to work on recognizing and expressing my emotions rather than just putting up the wall and numbing out away from them. Although I am an alcoholic some of my drinking was to numb myself. Especially when I was working as a paramedic. There were many times when the things I saw I needed to become numb to. It would be very hard for me to work in that field today especially since I no longer have the option of using alcohol to numb myself from it. Even with the work I have done I am still a ways from everything being fantastic in that area. But that is okay. My thought is when we stop growing and changing we start dying and I am not ready to die yet.
nandm is offline  
Old 11-04-2007, 03:20 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
Plug my name in your place and I could have written you post. I tried the just don't drink and go to meetings, working the steps in my head, or just don't drink and don't go to meetings. I evetually drank again. I was 7 years sober, but not in good recovery. I didn't have a sponsor, wasn't going to meetings and that's what happens. I have found that working the steps with a sponsor deals with a lot of the stuff you're talking about. Coping mecahnisms that have failed us. The steps will take care of that.
BP44 is offline  
Old 11-04-2007, 03:49 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 51
[QUOTE=nandm;1550876]. My childhood was a little on the strange side. We were not allowed to show emotion. Got in trouble for laughing too loud, crying, being too happy, being too sad. I developed some coping mechanisms for this that I still have trouble with today. It can be quite frustrating at times because I know that I am safe now but I still have trouble expressing my emotions. It is easier for me to write down what I am feeling than express it verbally.

Wow, this describes my life EXACTLY.

Everyone's comments have been really helpful. I have worked the steps with a sponsor, twice....yet this stuff hangs on. Maybe I am expecting myself to be "better" too quickly....there are plenty of people in my meetings who have 20+ years of sobriety, and I probably compare myself to them (and actually, they readily admit they are still working on things all these years later).

It is so, so, so hard for me to walk into a meeting and say "I need help". I feel like I should try to help other people. I feel like if I ask for help, I am making a big deal out of small things and taking help away from people who *really* need it.

I think I want to get numb, because then I won't NEED help - but I obviously just proved myself wrong on that account, because now I am going to have to get up the courage to pick up a white chip, and if that isn't an obvious statement of "I need help", than I don't know what is.
earthmama is offline  
Old 11-04-2007, 04:18 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
miss communicat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
earthmama

thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your feelings here. You may have helped yourself and others more than you will know by doing so. I am one of the grateful ones your honesty has helped today. Thank you.
miss communicat is offline  
Old 11-04-2007, 10:18 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Life the gift of recovery!
 
nandm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Originally Posted by earthmama View Post
It is so, so, so hard for me to walk into a meeting and say "I need help". I feel like I should try to help other people. I feel like if I ask for help, I am making a big deal out of small things and taking help away from people who *really* need it.

I think I want to get numb, because then I won't NEED help - but I obviously just proved myself wrong on that account, because now I am going to have to get up the courage to pick up a white chip, and if that isn't an obvious statement of "I need help", than I don't know what is.
I can totally relate. I spent many years being a caretaker to others to avoid facing my own issues. Admitting I needed help, that was nearly impossible to do. Accepting help when offered, just as hard, because that might mean someone would think I needed the help. The ironic thing is I did not think any less of someone who asked for or accepted my help. But I felt less of me for needing help. What a vicous and lonely circle that made. I still have trouble sometimes asking for help but today I realize that it is okay to ask for or accept help. I have gone back to school to start a new career that is not direct caregiving.
nandm is offline  
Old 11-05-2007, 07:05 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: green hills of Vermont, USA
Posts: 251
Yup, I used booze as an anesthetic for pain, too. And even with some length in recovery, I find myself looking for anything that will distract me from the pain of Life on Life's Terms. Even playing computer too much. Even SR.

And I like what Taz said above about oldtimers still needing help. Cuz "down we forgot as up we grew", to paraphrase my favorite t. s. eliot poem. I remember to ask my Higher Power for help, *sometimes* when I get into enough pain. Then five seconds later I forget that's what I need to do and have to remember all over again.

Arg!

Best from the Snowgoose.
snowgoose is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:15 PM.