Between working the steps and seeking outside help I am to the point I only on rare occassion have the feeling of wanting to numb out. My childhood was a little on the strange side. We were not allowed to show emotion. Got in trouble for laughing too loud, crying, being too happy, being too sad. I developed some coping mechanisms for this that I still have trouble with today. It can be quite frustrating at times because I know that I am safe now but I still have trouble expressing my emotions. It is easier for me to write down what I am feeling than express it verbally. My children and SO have had to learn that my appearance of coldness and detachment at times are related to my coping mechanisms and are not about them. I still am in counseling to work on recognizing and expressing my emotions rather than just putting up the wall and numbing out away from them. Although I am an alcoholic some of my drinking was to numb myself. Especially when I was working as a paramedic. There were many times when the things I saw I needed to become numb to. It would be very hard for me to work in that field today especially since I no longer have the option of using alcohol to numb myself from it. Even with the work I have done I am still a ways from everything being fantastic in that area. But that is okay. My thought is when we stop growing and changing we start dying and I am not ready to die yet.