Numbing Out
As I posted a few days ago, I had what I hope was just a "slip" after over 2 years of continuous sobriety. Looking back at the time leading up to it, I realize I was trying to numb out with all sorts of things - too much time on the internet, too many sweets - and just isolating and trying to "get away" from life. Taking a drink was the last step in what was actually sort of a long journey, although I didn't realize it at the time.
I'm sure I'm not the only alcoholic who has this need to get numb. It's hard for me to admit, but I hate feeling pain, and more than that, I hate letting others know that I'm in pain. I always come across as cheerful at meetings, even when I'm hurting. I know it sounds like dishonesty, but really, I grew up in an abusive home and have these coping mechanisms that I can't let go of and that I barely even recognize while I'm doing them. Coming across as "ok" when I'm not is a biggie.
I feel like I can't move forward in the program without dealing with this. I mean, I can not drink, one day at a time, but can I really be sober? Can I really live? Has anyone else dealt with this? How can I move past it?
I'm trying to get to extra meetings, and I went to one today I've never been to before. Someone there said SOBER stands for "Son of a b****, everything's real!". I laughed out loud, because that is SO how I'm feeling right now.
Hope this makes some sense to someone....