Shiloh07

Hi Everyone,

I have been lurking for awhile now and feel the need to share my story and be a part of this group.

I am 51 yrs old and have spent and starting drinking at the age of 15. Alcohol made me feel like it gave me the confidence to feel like I fit in and I have hidden behind it all these years. I am also a co-dependent, as in always getting the fixer uppers and every relationship I ever had has ended. It is a vicious pattern and it is almost like I am addicted to the pain of it all.

I am currently divorced for the 2nd time and ended a live in relationship last august of 2006. He was an alcoholic and and lived with me. I have read very similar stories on the message board and really wonder how we get to this point. I allowed my self to be used always thinking he would see the light. (codie) But he didn't and I did see him again for awhile this summer, but he was also seeing someone else and moved in with her 2 weeks after he told me he didn't want to see me anymore.

I had stopped drinking in September of 2005 and starting drinking in March of 2006 when I starting seeing exabf, to fit in again. Jeez!! Anyhow, after we split in Aug 2006, I quit drinking and got back into counseling and on anti-depressants. Was doing fairly well, but just couldn't accept the fact that he could move on so easily.

I starting drinking with him again this summer and after the split in August quit again and I hope for good. I am currently goint to AA Meetings, back in couseling and still on the Anti-depressants. It didn't seem and traumatic this time around, because deep down I know I so much better off on my own. I have been fortunate to hold a good job, 25 years this past August and can support my self financially.

I know alcohol covered up my low self worth and does not help a thing, but make things worse. I am hoping this 3rd go around on keeping sober and finally get on the right path to a good life is it. I think this Co-dependent behaviour is really the root of my problems and I am working on changing my patterns. It has taken sometime to set boundries again and finding myself. I am fortunate to have a great support systems withing my family and friends, but I just am having a really hard time totally letting go of exabf. People have told me to just quit thinking and worrying about what he is doing. It's not that easy. Sometimes I think I am just a total nut case.

Anyway, sorry I have rambled on here, but thanks for listening.

Shiloh