bulletnurse

Hello,
I have been involved with an addict for 20 yrs. I am a "Good Girl". He lied to me since the day we met at age 18. 4 yrs later, he's into Crack....I tried to save him for a while, left him 3 yrs after when I got pregnant with our daughter. Took him back after he got his act together for a minute, got pregnant with our son, He got into Meth and he left me 7 months pregnant for an 18 yr old Meth addict. I turned him into his parole agent and he was gone in prison on and off for the next 7 yrs. He had a drug baby with this girl.
He'd come back every now and then, wanting his family back, and I'm send him away. Finally, after 7 yrs, my son wanted his dad, and I took him back. He had been through the Phoenix house Drug rehab Program here in California. He was doing so great!! He'd been sober for 2 1/2 yrs. We moved in together, got custody of his other son and started building a good life.
Then, after 20 months, I started seeing the signs of meth use. I questioned him, I was calm, ( which is really hard for me to do.) after 2 weeks, he finally admitted he's doing "diet pills" from Mexico. I found crystals, drug tested them, results positive for Meth. I asked him about it. He says, " if it becomes a problem, I"ll take vacation time and go to rehab." So, I nicely tried to deal with it and hope and pray he'd find his way. his use was getting worse, but he was still going to work, being loving. But then, a month ago, he starting pulling away from the kids and me. Staying later after work, then one day worked a "double" and never came home. He lied and said he fell asleep. I told him I knew he was lying.
AFter 2 weeks of me asking him if he's cheating with his ex, he showed me a case full of marijuana and told me he's been selling it to make extra money. We make plenty of money. It's " legal" he says. He thinks it's a great idea to grow and sell medical marijuana to make extra money. I cry, I told him if he chooses to do this, the kids and i will have to leave him, ask him if it's worth it, we don't need the money. He says I'm trying to control him and I'm a stupid B-tch. His brother is doing this in North Calif. That's where he's getting the stuff to sell.
AFter a week of him trying to convince me and me asking him if it's worth losing his family, I told the kids what their dad is doing and that we have to move. They ask him not to do it, and he hates me now for telling the kids, hit me, pushed me in front of our 13 yr. old and his 7 yr. old, he calls me every name in the book, told the kids " Your mother's a crazy F-ing A--hole that needs mental help" , " She's the one tearing our family apart, it's legal!" He started growing pot plants in the garage, the kids saw the plants. I was devastated.
So, the kids and I left that day and I'm dying inside. I really love him, well, the sober him. I ran away scared to death of what I know he's capable of, I left before he could hurt me that badly emotionally again. I started counseling and am planning to attend a nar-anon meeting ASAP. My kids say they are so happy to be in our own place. They hated his son, He's a drug baby, in and out of trouble already. My fear is that my kids will be around their dad and learn bad things. I have control issues, I'm just so scared. I want to turn him in so bad, so he'll go away again. But I'm scared he'll come after me and hurt me, he's threatened to. I feel like I've gone crazy sometimes and I do need mental help. I'm tired of living with and caring about a drug addict. Oh yeah, he's now sleeping with a 20 yr.old 'cuz he's trying to hide his pain of me leaving.....right!! How do I let him go from my head?