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I feel like I'm dying and need support

Old 10-31-2007, 05:45 PM
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I feel like I'm dying and need support

Hello,
I have been involved with an addict for 20 yrs. I am a "Good Girl". He lied to me since the day we met at age 18. 4 yrs later, he's into Crack....I tried to save him for a while, left him 3 yrs after when I got pregnant with our daughter. Took him back after he got his act together for a minute, got pregnant with our son, He got into Meth and he left me 7 months pregnant for an 18 yr old Meth addict. I turned him into his parole agent and he was gone in prison on and off for the next 7 yrs. He had a drug baby with this girl.
He'd come back every now and then, wanting his family back, and I'm send him away. Finally, after 7 yrs, my son wanted his dad, and I took him back. He had been through the Phoenix house Drug rehab Program here in California. He was doing so great!! He'd been sober for 2 1/2 yrs. We moved in together, got custody of his other son and started building a good life.
Then, after 20 months, I started seeing the signs of meth use. I questioned him, I was calm, ( which is really hard for me to do.) after 2 weeks, he finally admitted he's doing "diet pills" from Mexico. I found crystals, drug tested them, results positive for Meth. I asked him about it. He says, " if it becomes a problem, I"ll take vacation time and go to rehab." So, I nicely tried to deal with it and hope and pray he'd find his way. his use was getting worse, but he was still going to work, being loving. But then, a month ago, he starting pulling away from the kids and me. Staying later after work, then one day worked a "double" and never came home. He lied and said he fell asleep. I told him I knew he was lying.
AFter 2 weeks of me asking him if he's cheating with his ex, he showed me a case full of marijuana and told me he's been selling it to make extra money. We make plenty of money. It's " legal" he says. He thinks it's a great idea to grow and sell medical marijuana to make extra money. I cry, I told him if he chooses to do this, the kids and i will have to leave him, ask him if it's worth it, we don't need the money. He says I'm trying to control him and I'm a stupid B-tch. His brother is doing this in North Calif. That's where he's getting the stuff to sell.
AFter a week of him trying to convince me and me asking him if it's worth losing his family, I told the kids what their dad is doing and that we have to move. They ask him not to do it, and he hates me now for telling the kids, hit me, pushed me in front of our 13 yr. old and his 7 yr. old, he calls me every name in the book, told the kids " Your mother's a crazy F-ing A--hole that needs mental help" , " She's the one tearing our family apart, it's legal!" He started growing pot plants in the garage, the kids saw the plants. I was devastated.
So, the kids and I left that day and I'm dying inside. I really love him, well, the sober him. I ran away scared to death of what I know he's capable of, I left before he could hurt me that badly emotionally again. I started counseling and am planning to attend a nar-anon meeting ASAP. My kids say they are so happy to be in our own place. They hated his son, He's a drug baby, in and out of trouble already. My fear is that my kids will be around their dad and learn bad things. I have control issues, I'm just so scared. I want to turn him in so bad, so he'll go away again. But I'm scared he'll come after me and hurt me, he's threatened to. I feel like I've gone crazy sometimes and I do need mental help. I'm tired of living with and caring about a drug addict. Oh yeah, he's now sleeping with a 20 yr.old 'cuz he's trying to hide his pain of me leaving.....right!! How do I let him go from my head?
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Old 10-31-2007, 05:49 PM
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Hold on honey. Things will get better for you. Let me read your post and reply some more...
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Old 10-31-2007, 06:05 PM
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Dear Nurse,

I can almost feel how much you are hurting right now. What is amazing is that even though you are hurting, you are able to protect your children and take care of yourself!

There will be others along soon who are much more knowledgeable than me. I just wanted you to know that I admisre your strenght and you're not alone!

Prayers for you and the kids!
Molly
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Old 10-31-2007, 06:06 PM
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First things first. If the cops find these plants in the house, they will take the children away. I know you don't want this to happen. I am also a little unclear about whether you are living in the house with the plants. So, I might be incorrect in assuming you are.
Do you have somewhere you can go? Can you rent an apartment without his knowledge? Can you go to a friends house till the marijuana is GONE?

I reccomend you talk to someone at alanon or naranon. They can find help for you. You really need an OUT. Out of the fear and chaos for at least for one evening. These meetings at alanon will help you tremendously, and you'll meet people who are going through the same thing.

As for the getting him out of your head, well, that takes time and work. We do tend to obsess about people we love. We have to put our self as #1 on the who to take care of list.
I always reccomend getting into something you love to do like yoga, or taking a class that will give you a lift in your life. These things help to take your mind off the addict, at least for the hour you're engaged in the class. And we do need the break

I am sorry you have to feel so scared. I know that feeling well. I have been there too many times.
The nature of an addict, or an alcoholic is always to blame everyone else for everything. What we need to do is recognize their problem is not our fault. Their ugliness and hateful speech is the drug talking. It is NOT your fault and you don't have to feel guilty about anything!
I just want you to know youve come to the right place for support in what you're going through.
Please take good care of yourself. I will say a prayer tonight for you to find peace and well being through all this chaos.
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Old 10-31-2007, 06:10 PM
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Hi - welcome You are taking terrific first steps. If I could offer one word of advice....breathe. Really...sometimes when so much is going on and you don't know where to turn, the first thing to do is breathe.

When you go to your Naranon meeting (and that is great...the sooner the better...there are so many wonderful folks there who will walk with you and who understand) you will see a little Blue Book with some readings. One is Just For Today...One of my favorites in times of trouble is Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I thought I had to keep it up for a life time.
You have done well...you got yourself and your kids out of a sick and dangerous situation. And just for today you can not let him back in...you can not speak with him...you can focus on you and the kids and not on him.

Day by day as you gather your recovery tools by coming here, reading (Codependent No More is a great start) and going to meetings, you will feel better...You won't feel like you are loosing your mind (addicts have a way of convincing us we are nuts and they are fine) and you will start to find peace. Hugs
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Old 10-31-2007, 06:10 PM
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welcome to S.R. i am glad you know that you can not save him. go to your meetings, they work if u work them & keep coming back here. u deserve so much more than you have gotten from him & so do your children.i am proud u took the kids away from him.i suggest he can have only superivised visitation away from you. you did not CAUSE it. (addiction), you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. work your program, you will get stronger & take care of yourself. read the stickys at the top of our forum"what addicts do". it is not going to get any better.prayers for you & him & your children.
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Old 11-01-2007, 04:22 AM
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Up at 4 am......again........

Hello again, When will I stop waking up at 4 am every day? To clarify, my kids and I have been in our own apartment for about 2 1/2 weeks now, and although THEY love it here, I don't. I know it will take time. I saw their dad yesterday, and he looked bad, but it made me feel better that he looked sad. I know that is vengeful and wrong........ but I don't care right now, I'm so tired of worrying about HIM!! I am so glad I found this forum. I have been reading so many posts, and they really do help. I can't wait to go to a meeting!!! Thank you to all of you, I really NEED this support right now. I can't believe I let myself get this way.
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Old 11-01-2007, 06:28 AM
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(((bulletnurse)))

Hugs to you. You are going in the right direction. Its hard, I know but allowing him to fall without being there to pick him up everytime is the most loving thing we can do for our addicts..........
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Old 11-01-2007, 07:57 AM
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bulletnurse,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Along with breathing...... give yourself time.

I applaud your doing the right thing for you, and your children.

Perhaps you could find some Alateen meetings for the children, also.


You're going to be fine.
Put the focus on YOU and the children.

Hands OFF the addict.

Hugs,
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Old 11-01-2007, 11:09 AM
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Bulletnurse,

One of the first things they ever told me here was the most powerful: Stop and breathe.

You can't solve years' worth of problems overnight. You can't break the mental habit of seeing him and reacting to him overnight. It does take time.

I'm so glad that you and the kids are safe. He has chosen a road for himself that is, as my brother says, "No kinda life for someone as nice as you." You may care for him or, more likely, have really nice memories that you're clinging to of him, but the person he has now become again is toxic to you. Selling marijuana in California isn't just illegal -- it's dangerous. A so-called "medical marijuana" grower here in my city was killed not too long ago by intruders who were after his crop. You do NOT want to be mixed up with that dangerous, sick (and lazy) way of making a living. The fact that he's probably doing meth, that he is abusive, that he's got a penchant for young girls.......this is "no kinda life for someone as nice as you." That's not love. And love is what you deserve.

But, back to the beginning: You can't solve it all at once. Find a meeting, or try several until you find one that seems like a good fit (they won't all be).

Perhaps try some timed-release melatonin for sleep. It helped me, and continues to help me in the times when I sit there staring at the ceiling at 4am. Getting better sleep will help you to keep your mind clear and calm.

Take extra-special care of yourself and your kids. Do as much together as you can -- stay busy with stuff that really lights you (and them) up. Your best chance to keep them from turning out like him is to 1) Keep them away from him so they can't model his behavior, and 2) Talk to them, calmly and openly, and ask them questions about what they've been through. Some of the moms here have taken some really helpful counseling sessions to help their kids process the lousy experiences dealt out by addicts.

Breathe. Take one small, baby-step in the right direction every day. Keep protecting yourself and your kids. Be realistic about him; he can only hurt your chances at happiness at this stage.

And keep posting. There's an astonishing amount of support here, and this place saved my life.

Hugs to you!!! You're going to be okay, honest you are.
GL
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Old 11-01-2007, 07:20 PM
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(((hugs)))

I'm still figuring this all out myself. I have an AAH. You make yourself crazy dealing with them. I've been working on me for months and I only just realized how crazy I was. Never mind was, am?

I'm glad your out of that house. Keep reading here and take your time when making desicions. We've all become reactors to situations now is the time to start being proactive about you.
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