I'm also going through the same rollercoaster of emotions right now. I just finally filed for divorce last week after being separated from about 9 months now. Even though I know the marriage is beyond over and the best thing for both of us is to move on, I feel like a failure. How could I have not make this work? How could I have not fixed this? And even though I know the answers to those questions now, it still hurts. And that's OK. Yes my AH is a complete ass and some of the unspeakable things he has done are still hard for me to even believe, I'm upset at the end of a "marriage". I took my vows seriously. And I've taken the decision to divorce very seriously, and after quite a bit of soul-searching.
I'm sure the day of the hearing will be beyond emotional, but I know it's a necessary step in the healing process. It's ironic that it will take about 10 minutes to completely "undo" the last 11 years of my life. I have great family and friends to lean on and I'm forever grateful for that. I will say that each day gets just a little bit easier. And now, I look forward to a promising future, AND SO SHOULD YOU! You deserve it!