Anyone else with XA feel this way

Old 10-28-2007, 06:09 AM
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Anyone else with XA feel this way

So now that "divorce" has actually been spoken, I have found myself feeling very sad and upset. I think the sadness comes from the reality actually hitting me that it's over. The dream of a happy marriage is over. Reality is hitting and hitting hard.

My head says I don't want the madness and I know this to be true but I can't help that my heart is feeling very heavy right now. The funny thing is that my AH has accused me of being SO COLD. If I'm so cold, why do I feel? Do I want him back, NO but I still feel.

I think the sadness also comes from the realization that the marriage is a failure and my AH has a real problem that he will probably deny until death. That in itself is sad. I watch him destroying himself and his health going downhill and I know there is nothing I can do. This is sad. I really do love him and wish that he could find recovery. I really want my son to have his father around to be his father.

So my question, has anyone else gone through this once the decision to divorce was actually out in the air? I suspect the answer is yes, but I'm really needing to know I'm not alone on this one. I think I need a hug. The hurt is setting in.
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Old 10-28-2007, 06:18 AM
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Yup. I've gone (and still to am going) through the same emotions. It took me roughly a year to come to the decision to leave and divorce. One reason it took so long was dealing with all my issues of having a second failed marriage. I truly meant my vows and had to struggle with whether my personal understanding of God allowed me divorce as an option. We have only been married 4 years and have no children together (thank God I am too old for that particular problem to have been possible) so its a bit different for those who do have kids with their A.

It hurts that the marriage I thought would be for the rest of my life ended. I am mourning the loss of the relationship I thought I had. I am incredibly saddened that AH will not work on his problems and can only go further downhill over time.

But I have also come to recognize that I never should have married him at all, that I did it for all sorts of wrong reasons.
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Old 10-28-2007, 06:25 AM
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how many people would marry if we were to say at the alter I don't??????? Not many, life is about learning and I have never had a lesson I have learned not hurt me or someone I care about......I pray you are past the pain soon and realize that even just for today you are someone who deserves more and better good luck sweetie
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Old 10-28-2007, 06:35 AM
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Oh yes. Our lives had become unmanagable, and the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving.
But, then comes the sadness and heartbreak after leaving is set in motion.
We are mourning our dreams. We mourn what we believe "could have been". We mourn the fact that a failure has occured in our life even though it was not our fault.
It's a necessary step to recovery. It doesn't last for ever (thank goodness).

It's a good time to plan for the future and stay occupied with happy things to do.
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Old 10-28-2007, 06:36 AM
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Originally Posted by 8675309 View Post
So my question, has anyone else gone through this once the decision to divorce was actually out in the air?
YES! I went through this so badly in the beginning I thought I wouldn't survive. Sometimes the hurt is overwhelming. Sometimes it would take everything in me just to get out of bed in the mornings.

People couldn't understand why I was so upset when our marriage was so difficult but it was like a death. You've given up the loss of your dream of a life with this man.
The best advice I could give you is to feel what you are feeling and don't let anybody tell you that you are wrong to feel that way. Mourn the loss, cry, get mad and angry and throw a fit(if you want).
And there is no time limit!

Originally Posted by 8675309 View Post
I think I need a hug. The hurt is setting in.


Trust me, things do get better!!
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Old 10-28-2007, 07:00 AM
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The idea of getting divorced does not bother me too much (15 years with an active A is enough). I only regret that I gave him "one last chance" back in June instead of just filing.

My son told me yesterday that one night he got up to use the bathroom and saw AH standing in the kitchen drinking out of a liquor bottle (literally in the middle of the night) and that he went back in his room and pretended to be sleeping, something no child should ever have to do.

I refuse to mourn something that does not really exist, what we have is not a marriage in any way shape or form, it is just a living arrangement that he uses to stay in denial and protect his addiction.
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Old 10-28-2007, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by hadenoughnow View Post
I refuse to mourn something that does not really exist, what we have is not a marriage in any way shape or form, it is just a living arrangement that he uses to stay in denial and protect his addiction.
Ah, yes. My marriage too had degenerated to nothing more than a living arrangement that protected him. AH left me long before I moved out.
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Old 10-28-2007, 08:01 AM
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You're not alone.
****{Hugs}}}
The divorce was final 4 years ago, he remarried 3 months later. His wife is another practicing alchy.
We were married for 25 years.
Sometimes I still miss the "fantasy" marriage, the one I never had,... the white picket fence, the helpful spouse, the great father, the recovering addict.
But it was time to cut my losses.
I got clean & he continued to use...
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Old 10-28-2007, 09:18 AM
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yes, you are definitely not alone!

When my first marriage ended I went through very similar things you describe. Someone told me it is the grieving process. Although, there were times when I was so happy, content and peaceful for the first time in years, there were times of guilt, sadness, shame and depression and times when I really thought I had made a terrible mistake by getting divorced. Time heals. It really does.

For me, I think I hadn't "felt" any feelings for so long, because I was constantly in a state of trying to keep everything together that I subconciously would not allow myself to feel.

You may be in a similar situation, I don't know. But allow yourself to feel those feelings without guilt or shame. I am convinced now that it is a grieving process and we should allow ourselves to feel whatever it is we are feeling that day, that hour, ,that minute, that second. Even if it is a rollercoaster for a while.

I hope you will soon, very very soon, feel contentment and peace.
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Old 10-28-2007, 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by wraybear View Post
For me, I think I hadn't "felt" any feelings for so long, because I was constantly in a state of trying to keep everything together that I subconciously would not allow myself to feel.
Yes, I believe this is me as well. If there were any feelings while we were together I believe they were resentment, anger, and disgust. I typically would repress a lot of this in order to keep everything running. I think I was on auto-pilot for many years. But as far as really feeling things such as sadness, love, that wasn't there. Even my compassion for my A had began to dwindle. What a sad state of being that was.

Originally Posted by wraybear View Post
You may be in a similar situation, I don't know. But allow yourself to feel those feelings without guilt or shame. I am convinced now that it is a grieving process and we should allow ourselves to feel whatever it is we are feeling that day, that hour, ,that minute, that second. Even if it is a rollercoaster for a while.
I will allow myself to feel the feelings without guilt, I know that has to happen to heal and I suspect that the roller coaster ride will continue until details are worked out and things are final.

Thanks everyone for your support, I truly appreciate it! You can never know how much your support means to me.
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Old 10-28-2007, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by hadenoughnow View Post
it is just a living arrangement that he uses to stay in denial and protect his addiction.
I honestly believe that the living arrangement is a means to protect his denial and addiction. I believe that the living situation as it has stood for the last 6 months, living separtly is also a way for him to stay in denial and protect his addition. The only difference now is that it's not as easy for him. He now has to take care of himself and that doesn't seem to be working out to well for him. He has lost weight since the breakup (weight he cannot afford to loose) and mine has stayed the same. Darn, that's not fare. LOL, Okay a silly attempt at humor.
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Old 10-28-2007, 03:55 PM
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In spite of the years of pain and resentment and bitterness and whatever other emotion you want to bring out, it is STILL the death of a dream and the death of the life you thought you had or would have. I believe that mourning is not only appropriate, it is necessary before you can truly move on.

I was with my ex for almost 25 years; I filed on March 2 of this year and the final mediation is set for November 30. Even though my life is light years better than it has ever been before, I still feel sad that he is so sick and lost and that our kids and grandkids will probably never know what it is to have a father in any real sense of the word.
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Old 10-28-2007, 06:26 PM
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((((((Jenny))))))
I have recently been where you are, and I'm still feeling some of the aftershock.
We codies are often so deep in denial that we have a hard time acknowledging how chaotic our lives have become. We are also familiar with the life we live with our A's, and the uncertainty of a new lifestyle can be scary.
Mourn the loss of your dreams. Grieve for the loss of what you once thought you had.

You'll heal in your own time, and when you're ready.
Til then, you're in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 10-29-2007, 02:39 AM
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8675309 :praying
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Old 10-29-2007, 02:52 AM
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I am with you all the way and going through the same feelings right now. You are not alone hun.
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Old 10-29-2007, 04:51 AM
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I'm also going through the same rollercoaster of emotions right now. I just finally filed for divorce last week after being separated from about 9 months now. Even though I know the marriage is beyond over and the best thing for both of us is to move on, I feel like a failure. How could I have not make this work? How could I have not fixed this? And even though I know the answers to those questions now, it still hurts. And that's OK. Yes my AH is a complete ass and some of the unspeakable things he has done are still hard for me to even believe, I'm upset at the end of a "marriage". I took my vows seriously. And I've taken the decision to divorce very seriously, and after quite a bit of soul-searching.

I'm sure the day of the hearing will be beyond emotional, but I know it's a necessary step in the healing process. It's ironic that it will take about 10 minutes to completely "undo" the last 11 years of my life. I have great family and friends to lean on and I'm forever grateful for that. I will say that each day gets just a little bit easier. And now, I look forward to a promising future, AND SO SHOULD YOU! You deserve it!
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Old 10-29-2007, 05:11 AM
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I am right there with you....

I really want my son to have his father around to be his father.

Me too.

Yes my AH is a complete ass and some of the unspeakable things he has done are still hard for me to even believe, I'm upset at the end of a "marriage".

Me too.

My marriage too had degenerated to nothing more than a living arrangement that protected him.

Yup, me too.

Hugs to you. I know how much it hurts....wow, does it hurt. But, nothing changes if nothing changes...we have to grow and move forward.
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:15 PM
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Hugs and much love to you.

I cannot wait until you are looking back on this, posting your wisdom and knowledge about that thing you went through in the past.

You're gonna make it. It doesn't seem like it right now but your HP is clearing out your AH so you can have a future space to be filled with the person you are supposed to be with. In the meantime, your HP will take care of you while you take care of yourself.
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Old 10-29-2007, 01:45 PM
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Heh, it said "Ice Queen" under my name for a long time on here - as you can see, I have changed that now. My ex called me that because I wasn't showing him the emotions HE wanted me to show. Negative emotions kinda didn't count - as long as I wasn't being lovey dovey, then I was the ice queen.

TBH, once I made the decision, I felt free as a bird. I couldn't stop giggling for days, though I suspect that was a stress reaction in itself. After that, yes I can understand the heavy heart - it was not the loss of him per se, for me, but all that he represented to me at one time. Family, kids, partnership, companionship, in-jokes, buttress against loneliness, successful business etc etc. It's hard being single these days, especially if it not a state one is used to in adult life.

Mourning is natural and takes time. Even almost 3 years on, I still have moments (even days) where I kick against my present situation. For me, I wasn't just healing from that relationship, but from ones before that and way back into my childhood. To expect myself to get over the whole kit and kaboodle in short order was unrealistic. Be gentle with yourself.

And please don't think that how he is now is how he is destined to be forever. Who knows what it'll take for him to "get it"? It may be long after you have moved onto pastures new, but as long as one has breath in their body, there is hope. We cannot know the future. Deal with the here and now to protect yourself and your loved ones, however please don't think it is black and white, this is how it will be forever. The human spirit is stronger than you think. It is incumbent on us all not sacrifice ourselves at the altar of someone else’s issues.
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