okay, this is what i have come up with so far.
i guess i am really struggling once again, with not having control over things and the unknown. i was doing so well with just accepting things and taking them as they come, but once again - i feel that need to take "control" of the situation and most of all i am struggling with not having any more PATIENCE!!! i feel like i have just waited and waited for things to happen and life has passed me by while i have, so now i want to just go and "get" everything.
i would love to be able to be comfortable being friends with this guy, but now that it is out in the open and emotions are involved - i don't know if that is possible? may have crossed that line already. i guess i have to have faith that if nothing has changed in 9 years that it is not going to and "what's the rush" and that as tfanagle said destiny has no deadlines. i will feel good going to him with divorce papers and then he will have a choice to make. i really can't make any demands on him now can i? i'm not in the position. maybe i should concentrate every bit of my efforts and time on obtaining that and then i will be free. it is that my marriage is just holding on by a sense of guilt and obligation and that last sense of belonging to something/someone.
that's the hardest to let go of for me. it has been over a long time in my mind though and i really feel the need for male companionship now.
latee, you are so right, i can justify anything and i really do have to make sure i am not telling myself just the things i want to hear.
what i am struggling with most is the desire to call and talk to him all the time and wanting to be with him. mostly i fight the urge and do nothing -except when i have really had a reason to see him or talk to him -and the "obsessive thoughts" about it are driving me crazy. i feel like if i just let go i will lose him and at the same time i feel like if i don't let it go i will lose him. i have been pretty good at not acting when i can feel and recognize that i am just not "feeling right".
fdt, you are so right. i deserve 100% and should not shortchange myself.
wantsout- yes, he is hot -lol, but i do want more that just sex with him and he feels the same way. luckily he is a man of integrity and i have to admit has held himself and me in check many times. he realizes that just sex is really not what i want. so, i am thankful he won't cheat and that he wants more too.
"When faced with a moral dilemma, it is that which we want to do the least that is the very thing we need to do the most."
-John D McDonald
-well, let's see, what i want to do the most, my first instint, is to just completely shut down, run and hide - or worse - run to ah and stay in my comfort zone with him.
what i want to do the least - is fight that urge to just shut down with this other guy because we've come so far and i'm proud of the progress i have made.