hopeangel

hi all, i need to work this out.

i don't know where else to turn and i am willing to guess that i am not the only one that has had the same issues.

so, ah and i are to the point where we are not even talking or communicating at all. there is absolutely nothing at all. the marriage is basically over. he has stated that he will not stop drinking and that is it. i know that, but have to admit that it leaves me with this feeling of nothingness and sadness? - and that is hard for me to deal with and it is even harder to deal with living in the same house under these conditions. the therapist wants to get ah and me into counseling together again (we had been going seperately) to help deal with the "impass" we have come to and see if she could at least get us communicating again on some level. i am REALLY torn about that because i don't know if i want to go there with him again and get drawn back in(as nothing seems to change things and i end up feeling beat up). then i feel guilty for not wanting to go to counseling with him. i've got to swallow the bullet and get things done to sell the house cause i don't see having a rent payment for an apartment and house payment and part of me is having a hard time really giving all that up?

so in the mist of this. i can't for sure tell you how it happened. i've developed real feelings for this other guy and he has feelings for me. well, i've actually liked this guy for years now, but we really just expressed this to each other in july. i don't know why, but i just ended up telling him that i have really liked him forever and found out that he felt the same. the problem has ALWAYS beem timing. he was married when i met him and then i was married. now, i finally have the courage to tell this guy how i feel and another timing issue- he has had a girlfriend for two years and is confused, but he is not sure where that is going. of course, i explained that he would have to be patient because obviously i am not completely free yet either.

i have really opened up to this guy and felt things i haven't felt in years- which is so scary after years of not feeling anything. i am soo afraid of being hurt. it would be very easy for me to just shut down now with him and when i feel myself doing that i try to fight that urge cause i know shutting down is not healthy either.

i know all logic tells me to let it go. i am still married and he has a girlfriend. i have to just wait and see. i don't want to push him on the girlfriend thing because i know he has to decide want he wants on his own. but, then a BIG part of me feels like - why am i not entitled to be happy and have what i want for once. we have come so far in talking and getting to know each other on a friendship deeper level (that's where the feelings have developed).

i guess i am just so frustrated and impatient. i am really trying to do all the right things, but dang i just want to be able to move on with my life.

so, i am REALLy trying to grow in my own strength and recovery. i am so trying to do the right things. i am just really struggling here.

can anyone help me sort this out and take the right path?

so, what is it i am feeling? how should i act? i am really trying to focus on making me a better person so i can be in and find a healthy relationship.

so, i battle the urge to want to call and be with this guy all the time. i fight it - at the same time i really don't want to lose the chance to be with him if (and i feel there is) something really there at the same time i don't want to push him away.

i really don't think i am trying to cling (and am really trying not to) to him or jump from one relationship to him. i don't think i am using him to try and cushion my fall of losing my marriage. i know i have to feel the hurt of this and get through it. the only reason i say this is again, it is not a new relationship. i have known him for 9 years now and my feelings for him are a not factor at all in the ending of my marriage.

what i am trying to do is have NO expectations. i am just trying to live each day to the fullest and have faith. it is just so hard to trust that. i am doing things with friends and family and finding happiness there. i am finding happiness in my own growth and actually really like the person i am now. i am so happy to have found myself again. i just so want a healthy relationship and person to share that with now.

oh and, to top it off if any of you remember me talking about another past relationship before ah and how he had commitment issues and how this relationship really affected me and contributed to a lot of the decisions i have made since then - had to do with me "settling" because i really gave everything to him and kinda felt like that was it for me (it made me feel like no matter what i did i wasn't good enough) and settled after that - well, i just found out he got a divorce. so funny, i remember crying and telling him 10 years from no he would regret the decision he made.

it is funny how everything in my life is coming full circle. sorry so long everyone, but i really don't know how to deal with all this.

thanks to anyone that can respond to this, shed light, or understand

cookconfay

There is a lot to be said for being alone for a while and working on one's self. That is what I did and I'm glad that I did. A person can get their belonging need met through friends, hugs at meetings and the like. Just my opinion and was actually not that hard to do after all the crap I went through with last xah!

prodigal

I really feel for ya, hope, and I know where you're coming from. It just gets to the point that we finally throw up our arms in frustration and say, "Why bother?" as far as trying to discuss anything with them.

I can understand how you would be drawn to another man, particularly since you've been putting up with so much garbage from AH. Perhaps you should examine your feelings towards this other guy. In the midst of what you're going through, try to keep a friendship nothing more than a friendship regardless of how you feel. You have enough on your plate right now to deal with.

You ARE entitled to hapiness and a fulfilling relationship. At this time, it may be the need to be heard and understood that is motivating your atrraction to this guy.

I can't tell you what path is "right" for you because each of us has our own unique path to follow. How should you feel and act? Well, for me personally, I have to examine my feelings before I act on them. It's difficult for me to do that right now because AH is spiraling out of control big-time. However, when I feel as if I'm at my wit's end and spiraling downward as well, I call my sponsor and get into a meeting.

I hope my answer isn't too lame or wishy-washy. We're all here to offer support to one another, so feel free to vent as much as you need to.

queenteree

hopeangel - I can relate to where you're coming from. About 3 weeks ago I ran into an old friend (male, of course) who I haven't seen since I was first married to AH (14 years ago). We gave each other a kiss and hug hello, he told me I look great, etc., the usual stuff, he has a GF and he knows I have a husband (knows the deal), suggested we get together for dinner or something to catch up, I said that would be nice and we'd keep in touch. But I haven't so far done that. Something about it doesn't feel right to me yet. But, I honestly did consider it. I even told my son about it and you know what, he told me to go to dinner, go out and have fun, that I deserve it after all these years and crap I put up with. And you know what, married or not, I deserve to have some male companionship (I'm not talking s*x here though), go to dinner, play or movie with a man, and someday, if it felt right to me, I'd do it. You gotta do what's right for you. And there really is just so many meetings you can go to, life can't be just about living with an A and going to meetings. Just don't put all your eggs in one basket.

FormerDoormat

I'm going to borrow a phrase from WPGWoman (my hero) and say "the bare minimum my partner needs to give me is 100%." If this man is currently tied to a girlfriend and you're currently tied to your husband, then neither one of you is currently able to give 100%. I've learned that I'm shortchanging myself if I settle for less. My advice to you (since you did ask) is please don't shortchange yourself.

wpgwoman

All I can offer you is my experience with this. When me and my exh were putting the final touches on our legal separation I found myself very attracted to my current A. My marriage had been over, in my mind, for a very long time. My A and I had also known each other for years, nothing really clicked until that point. I was faced with a husband that wasn't moving for a couple of months and an attraction to a man that I had never felt in my entire life. I felt like a school girl.

Of course I made the wrong decision. My head told me that I should just walk away, my heart won. Here's the problem. I brought all my baggage from that relationship, straight into a new one. Add some guilt into the mix and it was a recipe for disaster.

Even if my A was not an addict, this relationship would have still been difficult. I still had my own personal issues to deal with, I was still a codependent and I still didn't know who I was. I should have taken the time to find out who I was and where I was going in life. I should have taken the time to get strong and healthy. Hell, if my A was a healthy man void of any major issues, I would have chased him away years ago being the codependent that I am.

I wish you good luck in your journey and hope this helps.

Barbara52

FOr me, I know I will not even consider anything beyond friendship for a long time to come after the divorce goes final. I need the time on my own to figure out who I am now, where I want my life to go and to work on my own issues.

If your gut is making you feel not so sure about this relationship, I would listen to it.

CBrown

Please re-read the last three posts from WPGwoman and Barbara 52. I could write for 30 minutes and not come even close to what they said!!! You ladies are EXACTLY RIGHT. Best thing I ever did after my divorce and '05 breakup with the XABF was to work on ME. Someone down the road will appreciate that you did.

kelsh

wpgwoman & Queentree,

I can relate to both of you. I am a recovering alcoholic with 19 years of sobriety. When I had been sober two years I was attracted to a "Southern" man in AA. He had been sober ten years. Was a very cool operator he thought, but could never find out anything about me from the other members of AA. When we attended an AA campout, we started talking. I did feel like a school girl again...especially listening to his Southern Accent. I had always heard that Southern men treated their woman good.

I also wanted to see what it was like to be friends with another recoverying alcoholic. Biggest mistake I ever made. I was living in my own place and having a weekend relationship with my first husband.....now I was 50 years old by then and had been through Hell and back and my first husband rescued me and one of our children. We had made a promise that if we met someone we were interested in that we would tell each other. I did this to my great regret.

I knew this Southerner for about six months before our relationship focused on sex. I stupidly let him move in. I was working and going to college at night so he didn't see much of me but I sure saw too much of his anger and temper...not directed at me or my daughter but to about everything/everyone else.

One night he went too far...picking apart a movie I was watching about Bulimia with Patty Duke. I finally stood up and said that this is my house even if you help with some of the expenses. I told him he had to be out by the 3rd of the month when his Social Security came. He just was shocked and put this little boy act on me saying where am I going to go. I told him to go back to that apartment you rented above the tavern. I am sure there is one available....he was gone the next day when I got home from work.

That was when I decided I needed more time alone and that what I really wanted was my first husband. He made a mistake of his own by letting a woman from AA move in with him and she took over and about the same time as I kicked out Mr. Southern, she moved to an apartment because she couldn't live with my husband anymore unless he married her. She thought he would jump right in but he just laughed at her. She had known at the beginning that he wouldn't get married. He also found out it was me that he really wanted. :day4

We met at a park one day, at my suggestion, and decided to do our weekends together again. It worked but he still drank some but not when I was there. I waited until I finished my two years of college...got my BA Degree and a good job and then made a decision to move back in with him if he asked. He did quit drinking before he asked me to move back in and a few years later we got married again.

I know...this sounds like a soap opera...if I had everything that has happened to me in a book it would blow most peoples minds....the catastrophic events he and I had in our 14 years of marriage and the catasrophic events in my second marriage seem more than two people should have had to go through. We made it together, alone, and now together again. Whew!!!!!!

Kelsh

Barbara52

It so nice to read your story Kelsh. Thank you for that.

LaTeeDa

Hope, I cannot tell you what to do, and even if I did, you are going to do whatever you're going to do anyway.

I will say this. The hardest part of recovery for me has been self-honesty. Even now, two years after separating from my husband, I can pretty much justify and rationalize anything to myself. It's really tough to back away and look at a situation honestly and logically, especially when my emotions are in overdrive.

What is the hurry in this? If you go through the difficulties ahead of you and remain friends with this other man, isn't there a better chance of something that could be good coming out of it? What are the chances of something good coming out of it if you rush?

Sometimes I absolutely HATE being honest with myself. Especially if it means I can't have what I think I want at the moment. But, I have committed to brutal self-honesty as part of my recovery, and I am here to say that so far, I have not found myself wishing I had done things differently.

You are the only one who can answer your questions. Just make sure you aren't telling yourself what you want to hear.

L

Jfanagle

Ladies,

I had to scroll up to the top of this site to make sure that I hadn't wandered into a women only room. It looks like I am not an interloper so I will go ahead and add the male perspective.

We men are at best marginal listeners and at worst self centered SOBs who ultimately want a lady who is ours. We can be sympathetic and actually mean it, but after awhile we start wanting to be the focal point. This requires a lady who knows who she is and what she really wants and needs, but also can be self contained enough to pat us on our heads and share our lives completely.

I have had the privilege of knowing several very strong and self assured woman in my long life and believe me in order for me to be my best and thereby give the lady what she deserves in a partner I have to know she is looking me in the eye when we meet and not looking over her shoulder to see where and what is closing in from the past. Likewise I can not be in the midst of saying goodbye to the last lady and be saying hello to the new one simultaneously.

IF WE DON"T COME TO THE TABLE WITH CLEAN HANDS THE BEST DISH WILL TASTE SOUR! I have never been any good with one foot in the past and the other in the future; it leaves the least attractive part of my anatomy smack dab in today!

Much like my old drunken self,( 8 years ago this last Monday), I was always looking for the next party and never wanting to clean up from last nights. If two people are really destined to make each other happy then destiny doesn't have deadlines, just promises and those promises don't have expiration dates.

Finally I will leave you with my favorite observation: "When faced with a moral dilemma, it is that which we want to do the least that is the very thing we need to do the most."
-John D McDonald

Best wishes and good luck.

Jon

Janitw

I think that you need to finish what you have started. End the marriage if thats the way its headed then give yourself time to clear your head and work on yourself. If the two of you have been friends all through the years another year or two won't make any difference hun. Remember one thing.....if they are willing to cheat with you then they are willing to cheat on you...keep it straight so that you can end your marriage holding your head high. And in this way keep your integrity. JMHO

WantsOut

I think a lot depends on what's inside your heart. Call me Carrie Bradshaw, but if you were one of my girlfriends I'd ask you if he was hot and if you said yes, I'd tell you to bang him already *grin* That's cause it is possible to have a sexual experience with a man simply because it makes you feel sexy, alive, attractive and powerful to do so. That might be good for you. But it needs to be about you and not about him or starting a relationship with him.

Of course, you have to be careful you can handle that.

If you want to be with this man cause you want a long-term love affair, I'd say wait cause you're not ready for that from what you've written.

on edit: I say all this also because from what you've said, your marriage is over. You're holding on by threads of guilt and that is all. I know how you feel. Been there!

ARealLady

I'm going to borrow a phrase from WPGWoman (my hero) and say "the bare minimum my partner needs to give me is 100%." If this man is currently tied to a girlfriend and you're currently tied to your husband, then neither one of you is currently able to give 100%. I've learned that I'm shortchanging myself if I settle for less. My advice to you (since you did ask) is please don't shortchange yourself.

IF WE DON"T COME TO THE TABLE WITH CLEAN HANDS THE BEST DISH WILL TASTE SOUR!

For the moment, these two comments stand out and recall what our old pal, Melody Beattie, has to say on the subject of availability in Beyond Co-dependency. If a potential other is involved with another person, he/she is NOT available and, therefore, NOT on the agenda.

Hopeangel....take care of yourself now. You might think that this new guy could rescue you from a bad situation but, even if he did, he would only be a bandaid. You can only heal yourself.

ARL

Impurrfect

Great advice above!

My experience is, I seem to be attracted to men who are unavailable in some way. It's definitely not a conscious thing, but when I look back, none of the 3 major relationships I've had in 25 years were available 100% - there was either acohol, another woman, or drugs. Now, I'm working on why I feel like I deserve to be 2nd to someone or something else.

My friend told me, years ago, "you deserve the whole cake....not just the crumbs". Now, if I can just get that through my head.

I hope you take time to rediscover yourself.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Mr. Christian

....yes, close this chapter on your life 1st. Work on yourself a little bit and move on with your life. There is plenty of time, believe me.

hopeangel

thank you ALL so much - once again you all talk me right of the ledge

such great comments. i'm going to process them tonight. well, go to bed and process them and comment tomorrow. today wiped me out. i'm seeing a chiropractor and doing physical therapy because of the car accident and it kicked my butt. i'm so sore and tired.

(((thanks you guys)))

FormerDoormat

I, too, tend to be attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable. I've learned that's because I'm emotionally unavailable, too. If I choose men who are emotionally unavailable, then I can continue to live happily (or unhappily) with my fear of intimacy. They can't be intimate with me, so I can avoid being intimate with them.

I used to think I chose these men subconsciously. Now I know that I chose them on purpose. The thought of entering into a relationship with an emotionally available man scares the heck out of me because then it would force me to be emotionally available for him. If I open myself emotionally to others, then I open myself up to be hurt; and I avoid emotional pain at all costs.

Hemmingway says that the world breaks everyone into a million little pieces and the purpose of healing is to learn how to be strong in the broken places. I figure once I've learned how to be strong in the broken places, then I'll be ready to embark in a healthy relationship with an available man. But that's a long way away.

hopeangel

okay, this is what i have come up with so far.

i guess i am really struggling once again, with not having control over things and the unknown. i was doing so well with just accepting things and taking them as they come, but once again - i feel that need to take "control" of the situation and most of all i am struggling with not having any more PATIENCE!!! i feel like i have just waited and waited for things to happen and life has passed me by while i have, so now i want to just go and "get" everything.

i would love to be able to be comfortable being friends with this guy, but now that it is out in the open and emotions are involved - i don't know if that is possible? may have crossed that line already. i guess i have to have faith that if nothing has changed in 9 years that it is not going to and "what's the rush" and that as tfanagle said destiny has no deadlines. i will feel good going to him with divorce papers and then he will have a choice to make. i really can't make any demands on him now can i? i'm not in the position. maybe i should concentrate every bit of my efforts and time on obtaining that and then i will be free. it is that my marriage is just holding on by a sense of guilt and obligation and that last sense of belonging to something/someone. that's the hardest to let go of for me. it has been over a long time in my mind though and i really feel the need for male companionship now.

latee, you are so right, i can justify anything and i really do have to make sure i am not telling myself just the things i want to hear.

what i am struggling with most is the desire to call and talk to him all the time and wanting to be with him. mostly i fight the urge and do nothing -except when i have really had a reason to see him or talk to him -and the "obsessive thoughts" about it are driving me crazy. i feel like if i just let go i will lose him and at the same time i feel like if i don't let it go i will lose him. i have been pretty good at not acting when i can feel and recognize that i am just not "feeling right".

fdt, you are so right. i deserve 100% and should not shortchange myself.

wantsout- yes, he is hot -lol, but i do want more that just sex with him and he feels the same way. luckily he is a man of integrity and i have to admit has held himself and me in check many times. he realizes that just sex is really not what i want. so, i am thankful he won't cheat and that he wants more too.

"When faced with a moral dilemma, it is that which we want to do the least that is the very thing we need to do the most."
-John D McDonald

-well, let's see, what i want to do the most, my first instint, is to just completely shut down, run and hide - or worse - run to ah and stay in my comfort zone with him.

what i want to do the least - is fight that urge to just shut down with this other guy because we've come so far and i'm proud of the progress i have made.