Hi CeCe,
I remember a time when I was angry at ‘fate’.
I was angry at fate because I was not brave enough to be angry with God.
I did not understand the universe and basically decided it was simply chaos, random and unthinking.
When my son first started in AA he had a lot of problems with step one.
Sometimes he spoke to me about this and I struggled to find the words to help him.
I found I had no words because I was struggling.
I had, in my life, been told what to believe, and how to believe. At that point I did not pray, but I did not lash out at God either, I was just in some sort of quiet void.
When I did start to pray I prayed with an agenda, I had the master plan and I simply needed and enforcer.
Right, that’s right; I wanted God to be my enforcer.
“Dear God, if only you would make my son show up at this rehab, meeting, home..etc.”
In trying to help my son with step one, I had to help myself.
I cleared out all the things people told me I should - I must believe.
I tossed out mistakes made by organized religions.
I cleared my head.
I sat quietly and for perhaps the first time in my life I thought for myself about my beliefs.
I started to make a mental list of what
I did believe in, over time the list has grown. It’s not huge or anything, it’s simple, it’s easy and it works for me personally.
I also remember when I reached the point that all my plans, all my rescues, all my energy were simply not close enough to save my son.
I was out of plans. It had taken years, but I could not think of one single thing to do and that night I gave up and I gave in and I prayed to God to take my son into his hands. I prayed for God to make me strong enough to deal with whatever came into my life.
I changed how I pray. I changed how I looked at things. I no longer think the Universe is random chaos. I am now, finally, comfortable in my own religion, my beliefs.
All of this took me a long time. Eventually my son found his own way though step one, which I suppose is how it was mean to be, but my trying to help him ended up helping me a great deal.
sigh
I believe in Miracles