nandm

Your statement "....I still can't seem to stay convinced that I should not drink" says a lot. I think that you have identified the problem that keeps you in the insanity (doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results). It was only when I had gotten to a place where I knew I needed to quit drinking, because it was creating such destruction and insanity in my life, but I knew that I did not know how to live without drinking that I was able to surrender to the fact that I am an alcoholic. I was desperate and felt that A.A. was my last hope. I was at a place where I was ready to put a gun to my head if my only option was to continue the insanity created when I drank.

A.A. gave me hope that I could live without drinking and stop the insanity in my head and life. I held on to that hope until I was able to surrender to the fact that my life is unmanageble when I drink and when I drink I have no control over it. I was to the point that I never knew if I was going to be able to drink just one or two, or if I would turn it into 30 or more. I also never knew who I was going to be when I drank, Dr. Jekyl or You Better Run and Hide.

One thing that has helped me to not pick up a drink in nearly 7 years has been anytime I have thought about drinking to "play the tape through" in my head. See past that first drink through to the next several months or so. Really get a picture of what happens every time I have had a period of abstinence and picked up again. It is always the same result. My life becomes even more unmanageable and my head gets even more insane. I do not have any trouble remembering my last drunk (up to the point I blacked out). I also have no trouble remembering the insanity that came with my drinking and the difficulty of putting my life back together once the drinking stopped.

I never want to have to go through those first few years of physical, mental, emotional, financial, relationship, material repair again. It was too much work. I find it easier to work the program of A.A. to the best of my ability on a daily basis to help ensure my sobriety.

As far as rehab goes. I personally have no experience with it. I went to 90 meetings in 90 days. Made a point to surround my self with people I believed had a strong sobriety. Followed the direction given to me and really listen to what people said. Since then I continue to work the steps in my life on a daily basis. I have a home group and a sponsor. I have developed friendships outside of A.A. Ironically, all the people I drank with are gone from my life. They just filtered away with time.

I don't work this thing perfectly. I have good and bad days just like anyone. I am also aware that I could pick up a drink at anytime. That is why I keep doing the foot work to guard from that. I believe that a person can find sobriety without rehab. But I also see that rehab has helped a significant amount of people.

It sounds like you have a good support in your wife. It would probably be good to sit down with her and discuss your concerns. I would also recommend talking with your sponsor if you have one. If you don't then speak to someone in A.A. that knows you. They can give you some more suggestions. Good luck. I hope you are able to find peace with yourself and your life. Glad you are posting here.