I too let my son come home far too many times, thinking that if he had a safe home filled with love and support, he would find that better path again and stay on it.
My biggest fear was that he would die if he had to live on the street or on his own. What happened was that he overdosed at home, more than once, and I had to face the reality that he may die no matter what I do or don't do to help him.
Living at home just brought addiction to my safe place and created chaos and drama giving me a front row seat. It was unhealthy for both of us.
The only way I could let go and learn to live well and in peace, no matter how he was doing, was to go to meetings, get a sponsor and learn to understand and work the 12 steps of recovery.
Today I live well, I embrace each new day with joy and anticipation. I no longer live in fear 24 hours a day, I no longer have panic attacks and I no longer isolate myself from the world. My son has been missing for over 3 years, and each morning I say a prayer for him and turn him over to God's care, then live my life in a healthy happy way, trusting that God will be with my son in his darkness.
It's heartbreaking to watch our loved ones destroy themselves, but we are "not" their only option of hope. Help is out there everywhere, in every city in the world, and when they are ready, they will find it without our assistance. They find their drug and they can find meetings, rehabs and help that is better than I could ever give.
Don't feel guilty, as a mom I know that's a natural feeling but their addiction is much bigger than even a mother's love. Letting them find their own way teaches them something good that protecting them denies them. Don't rob them of the lessons that may save their life.
Hugs from one mother's heart to another.