I am so lost and sad

Old 10-10-2007, 07:54 PM
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Post I am so lost and sad

my daughter is almost 19. she has been inpatient 3 times now, 14 days in june 2007, then relapsed, 13 days in july 2007, and was in a halfway house clean for three months, and now back in rehab as of yesterday....she was doing so good! she made a bad choice and decided to use...this time heroin...before it was crack....she wants to come home after rehab....I cant let her...I feel so guilty...but i think...maybe she needs me...I know it wont work...the reason she was not living with me (in another state) is because I had to kicck her out since she was using...she went back to the state we used to live in until march 2007...but, she was doing soooogood! i just dont understand...I dont know what to do...im afraid she will end up dead. her personality is so much stronger than mine that i know if she were to come back she would manipulate me...she is a very good liar...she also has an eating disorder...she purges....her dad would criticize her eating habits when she was a child and he would call her fat.at the age of 14 she weighed around 200...now she probably weighs 140...in my heart i feel this is our fault my family...brother/sister tell me that i cant let herruin my life...but isnt that making her responsible for me? that is no more fair than me being responsible for her..... i feel that no one loves her that i am all she has..my heart is breaking
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Old 10-10-2007, 08:26 PM
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((macmerry))

Hi, and welcome to SR. The addict in my life was my ex husband. But I have 3 kids between 18 and 23. I can't say I know how you feel exactly, but I do know the heartache of addiction. There are lots of moms on here who know exactly how you are feeling now. They will be along. I just wanted to welcome you and let you know that we care and you are not alone. I'm sending lots of prayers your way.

Hugs
B
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Old 10-10-2007, 08:34 PM
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It is very hard as parents to see our children chose this way of life. But it is their choice not ours. It is frustrating and breaks my heart to watch my son seem to be getting better and then he is back in the lifestyle.
you are right, our children do need us. To love them in a healthy way. i am beginning to find out that my son doesn't need me the way I always thought he did. to save him from his troubles. It seemed like the thing to do because if would take his pain away. But it only lasted for awhile and then he seemed to want more pain because he wasn't changing. so I decided I had to change or I was going to go insane. He and it ( his addiction )consumed my life. but I am finding out that me worrying wasn't what was keeping him alive and it wasn't keeping him away from drugs but it was slowly killing me. And i am chosing to live. there is lots to learn here. I know i am beginning to get what this is about and what i can gain. And the first steps seem to bring me a little Peace. So I'll take that for now. Read all the stickys above. Go to Nar-Anon meetings for parents, or Al-anon if there isn't any Nar-Anon near you. It is saving my sanity by helping me to let him walk under God's care and not my control and worry. ( which did absolutely nothing anyways) So My prayers are out tonight for you and your daughter.
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Old 10-10-2007, 10:54 PM
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Macmerry -

I am a recovering crack addict and I can only tell you of my experience. My dad and the rest of my family love me dearly. When I was living on the streets, my dad would drive the 1-1/2 hour to find me, take me to lunch, cry, beg me to come home, offer help, and let me know he loved me. I told him, early on, not to give me money because I would use it for crack.

I knew I could come home at any time, but would have to be clean, and for 3 years, I chose the dope. After 2 years clean, I relapsed for a week, and have been clean since.

Today, I live with my dad and stepmom and niece. It started out as a $$ thing - I can't afford an apt. on my own. But I have a job, pay rent, help out around the house, and help dad with his business. We have a better relationship than we ever had.

I will always regret the hell I put my family through, but I'm trying to make up for it. I'm glad my dad had boundaries - by loving me, but letting me deal with my own consequences, it made me realize that getting high just wasn't worth it any more.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but others here will give you great support and advice on how to love the addict, hate the disease.

Hugs and prayers to you!
Amy
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Old 10-11-2007, 04:07 AM
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Awwww, I am so sorry that another family has to go through this but as everyone has told you...you found the right place to help you grasp things that are happening or if nothing else...a great bunch of people to talk to who will listen and not judge your parenting skills.

The addict in my life is also my daughter and unfortunately I have no control over that. She has been living from house to house since she was 16 years old when I had had enough and sent her to live with her father. He found out quickly what I was going through and put her out as well. Life has been going downhill for her ever since. I found out the hard way that letting her back into my home was not the answer and the life that she is leading is by HER choice..not mine. She had two wonderful children that she gave up in the meantime that I am raising because she again..Choose this lifestyle. She has never wanted help as far as rehab until a few months ago. I gave her a choice to only call me when she was ready to get clean. I got the phone call drove her hours to a DETOX center only to have her check herself out.

Letting your daughter back into your home isn't the answer. Why put yourself through more hell caused by your addict? I know you love your daughter...as I love mine but we can no longer be held responsible for their fate. I wish you the best of luck and please stick around..there will be numerous post from others that may help you understand more!
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Old 10-11-2007, 04:58 AM
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Just wanted to say HI my 21 yr old daughter also was addicted to crack then started with heroin. She has to kids that have been taken away from her, an is currently in jail. It's hard sometimes to know what is helping to healing.. an what is helping to enable. You've came to the right place there are lots of kind caring people here that can give lots of different opinions an wonderful advice.
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Old 10-11-2007, 05:04 AM
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I too let my son come home far too many times, thinking that if he had a safe home filled with love and support, he would find that better path again and stay on it.

My biggest fear was that he would die if he had to live on the street or on his own. What happened was that he overdosed at home, more than once, and I had to face the reality that he may die no matter what I do or don't do to help him.

Living at home just brought addiction to my safe place and created chaos and drama giving me a front row seat. It was unhealthy for both of us.

The only way I could let go and learn to live well and in peace, no matter how he was doing, was to go to meetings, get a sponsor and learn to understand and work the 12 steps of recovery.

Today I live well, I embrace each new day with joy and anticipation. I no longer live in fear 24 hours a day, I no longer have panic attacks and I no longer isolate myself from the world. My son has been missing for over 3 years, and each morning I say a prayer for him and turn him over to God's care, then live my life in a healthy happy way, trusting that God will be with my son in his darkness.

It's heartbreaking to watch our loved ones destroy themselves, but we are "not" their only option of hope. Help is out there everywhere, in every city in the world, and when they are ready, they will find it without our assistance. They find their drug and they can find meetings, rehabs and help that is better than I could ever give.

Don't feel guilty, as a mom I know that's a natural feeling but their addiction is much bigger than even a mother's love. Letting them find their own way teaches them something good that protecting them denies them. Don't rob them of the lessons that may save their life.

Hugs from one mother's heart to another.
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Old 10-11-2007, 05:06 AM
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Oh Cece, we DO NOT CHOOSE this way of life. Sure, it is not like cancer (except for those who smoke) but WE...DO...NOT..CHOOSE.

As an addict I only read these threads to remind myself of how we hurt those we love, and I try to think about that because there are those who love me. But it is a stong, not disease, but biological-driven need.

Ohhh, for what it is worth, my heart goes out to you, (((((MACMERRY)))))

Alyce
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Old 10-11-2007, 05:48 AM
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(((macmerry)))
My heart breaks for you. My son is the one who brought me here...falling apart. I had ALL of the same feelings as you.
It was the wise people here who embraced me and my thoughts and slowly allowed me to realize that there wasn't a darn thing I could do to save him.
What I was able to do, however, was save me.
I had to look at it from a positive standpoint (as hard as that is to see right now)

Your daughter:
Has tried and slipped, done well, and failed etc etc. The important part is that she seems to keep trying. Don't think she'll never get it, miracles happen everyday (look in the addicts forum...there's proof)

You could have her come home and perhaps witness first hand the struggle, or you could allow her to find her own way, taking advantage of the help that is out there, and letting professionals help.

And when she does find her way...she can know that it was a great thing she just accomplished. And she can be proud of herself for doing so, and maybe help another in need.

I know as Mom's we feel so responsible for the health and happiness of our kids. I still struggle with that. But I realized some time ago that what I thought was helping, was not. In fact, deep down inside I was needing him to need me.

I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers
((((Hugs)))
Cece
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Old 10-11-2007, 06:23 AM
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((((macmerry)))
Well, big hugs to you, and welcome to Sober Recovery.
I can feel your hurt, I have been there, too. Some days, I still feel that deep anguish, wishing there was just SOMETHING I could do to fix the situation.

What I've learned so far, (still, hopefully learning every day!) is that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it! The 3 C's!

Anyway, you need to take care of you. Get it a program, Naranon, or Alanon will do, start using the steps, and turn your daughters life over to her Higher Power. It's what saved me, and I am the mom of 2 addict sons. And keep posting, we're all here for you...

Hugs to you...
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Old 10-11-2007, 06:27 AM
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Another mom

Hi, I too let my AD come home too many times and it doesn't work. Mine was in rehab 64 days, home less than a week and back out. She is currently in a sober living facility that is great. She is 23. If you would like info to have in case she is willing, PM me.

Know you are not alone, many here share your hurt and pain but together make it through day by day. The hardest part is taking care of you, you didn't cause it, can't control it, and cant sure it!
prayers,
susan
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Old 10-11-2007, 06:30 AM
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as soon as i woke this morning i checked this and i just wanted to thank all of your for your kindnesses.......living is so hard....i am trying to be strong...i plan to go to a nar anon meeting tonight but i really dont want to....right now, this is my only help............i just dont understand how she could be doing so well, working on her life, and thow it away......i am afraid with every fall, she is further away from recovery...........i feel my life has been a waste how could i fail so...her brother wants nothing to do with her....i love them both...my husband cant handle my sadness....thank you all again
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Old 10-11-2007, 06:40 AM
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Hey Mac,
I remember back, I didn't want to go to meetings either!
(Yup, thought I could Fix myself!) Then, once I went, I found another support system JUST FOR ME, and it made a huge difference in my life, and in the way I handle stress, and situations, and everyday life!


It seems that every time I go to a meeting, it's always something I need to hear.


Hugs to you, glad you're here!
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Old 10-11-2007, 08:53 AM
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Hi and welcome, I'm the mother of a 22 yr old heroin addict who is in and out of recovery.
One thing you are probably thinking is that your situation is different. Believe me it's not. You'll find alot and I mean alot of similarities in behaviors between all the addicts and all the drugs. Addiction is a disease not a specific disease for each drug or each addict. you'll find so much information on this website that your head will spin, but knowledge is power, the more you learn the more you can HELP your addict.

Good luck and prayers
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Old 10-11-2007, 09:32 AM
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I used to dread going to the meetings, but now I actually look forward to them. There is something very comforting about others who have walked before you and the encouragement, and those who are walking this path w/ you!

Go to the meeting! You will feel some better!
susan
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Old 10-11-2007, 01:37 PM
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we DO NOT CHOOSE this way of life. Sure, it is not like cancer (except for those who smoke) but WE...DO...NOT..CHOOSE.

Alyce, please clarify this for me. If this is not a choice, then why are addicts able to come clean? What divides the addicts from the recovering addicts?

I don't understand addiction entirely, so I'm not trying to be 'smart', but I just want to know the addicts/former addicts perspecitive.

My wife is that addict in my life, and I've read the addicts posts to gain some perspective, and to be quite honest, it appears that there is an 'addict camp', and a 'relative to an addict camp'. Each has their own point of view: we're advised here that the addict must make the decision to give up drugs. The addicts perspective is one of being powerless against this(at least that's what I read into so far...), and your message is reiterates that.

From my understanding, addiction is a hunger like nothing else a 'clean' person can understand. But there are those who choose not to feed that hunger.

So is it a really uncontrollable?
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Old 10-11-2007, 02:06 PM
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i am late on this but i want to welcome you to S.R.... i am the mom of an addict son.we can not live our childrens lives for them.i love my son very much but i have given up all the faith i had in him, not my H.P. i have hope for him but after 19yrs. of his drinking & using & all the prison terms he has served due to drugs i have had to detach.go to your meeting to nite & keep coming back here.it will save your sanity. it is NOT your fault she uses,not matter what it is NOT your fault.read the stickys at the top of the forum"what addicts do" keep coming back here.prayers,hope
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Old 10-11-2007, 03:24 PM
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I would like to welcome you to SR too. My daughter is my addict. She is 21. Started using when she was around 18-19. She also uses heroin or any opiate she can get and is bulimic. She currently lives with her 37 year old crack addict boyfriend who supplies the drugs to her. It is so hard to let them go but my boundary is that my daughter will not live with me again while she is active in her addiction. Right now she knows she has a problem but is not ready to do anything to help herself. I have not seen her since March. More my choice than hers as I cannot watch her destroy herself without it destroying me in the process. I have used my time apart to become stronger and to find happiness for myself. The more time I spend away from addiction the stronger I become. Take care of yourself and if you do not want your daughter home, make that clear to her and stand by it. Someday she will appreciate and respect your decision. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-11-2007, 09:05 PM
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"Crying For Kris"

I can relate to exactly how you feel. I am exactly where you are right now.

My 18 yr old daughter is in her 2nd day of rehab (again) as I sit here on the verge of tears I keep asking myself does she really mean it this time, is she going to be on a serious road to recovery and I am afraid of the truth. Her heroin addiction has gotten worse over 3 yrs time. I cry all the time because I am afraid she is going to end up in jail or dead.

I don't have the strenght to kick her out in the street and at the same time I don't know where I will find the power to put up with this addict behavior if she doesn't clean up.

My prayers are with you. Sometimes I can barely get through the days functional. I know everyone says you have to let them go, but I don't know how to do that.
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Old 10-11-2007, 09:34 PM
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I will always regret the hell I put my family through, but I'm trying to make up for it. I'm glad my dad had boundaries - by loving me, but letting me deal with my own consequences, it made me realize that getting high just wasn't worth it any more.
Thank you Impurrfect, you said that so well.


Macmerry, I am so sorry for what you are going through...I remember the pain so well. I can only suggest you keep reading and posting here and run not walk to your nearest Naranon meeting. So few people go there because they want to....but so many people once they go, stay because they want to...It's a place where people who have been there, who know and understand support each other and learn to live a better way of life.

I see newcomers in pain every week and I am in absolute awe every single time when I see them just 2 weeks later smiling and feeling so much better already.

There's so much to say, but it all takes time...baby steps...For now, remember those 3 C's Moose told you... Hugs


Spinner, I understand your question but I personally do not believe there is an addict view and a F&F of addict view. Step 1 is Step 1 for the addict and for me...the addict is powerless over addiction and I am powerless over the addict. Naranon tells me "even when he knows what will happen when he takes that first drink, pill or fix, he will do so. This is the insanity that we speak of." It helps me to think of something i do that makes absolutely no sense but I can't seem to not do it sometimes...I don't know if that makes sense...I don't think it is possible to really understand addiction completely, even for an addict, but learnign what I could and attending open NA meetings helped me wrap my arms around it a little bit and certainly gave me hope and compassion.

I don't think I've really expressed myself, but I feel very strongly that addiction is not a fault or a moral flaw or lack of will power or any of the other things that people who have not experienced the power of it may think. I've heard often that when the pain of using becomes stronger than the pain of stopping, that's when an addict can begin to choose again and choose recovery. Same goes for me.....When the pain of my role in this dance of addiction got so great I could not stand it, then I was ready to do whatever I had to do to get better.
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