Starting All Over
I have now been sober for a month, however I am finding life extremely difficult and am constantly struggling with immense cravings.
I recently started a new position for a Government job. I am still in training with sixteen others. I am amicable but have a very low self esteem and several of the girls have taken a disliking to me. I am the type to stick up for the underdog and make sure that everyone is fitting in and not excluded. Now I am finding myself on the outside yet again. It's not open bitchiness, rather it's sly, making me feel as though I am not 'cool' enough to hang out with them. They deliberately exclude me from ventures into town and tend to dominate conversations and draw attention away from me when I am in mid-conversation. One of them is quite bright, although egotistical with it and makes me feel stupid by rolling her eyes when I ask a question or laughs at me.
I have always had problems with bullying in the past and have been mercilessly teased throughout my entire school epoch, as well as more insiduous teasing at the workplace. I don't know if it's because they pick up on my insecurities, or that I am occassionally vague (medical condition) but I have had this problem everywhere I go.
I try to be friendly without overdoing it, I rarely bitch behind someone's back yet I am so often made to feel socially incompetent and not 'good' enough to hang out with. I am quite average in looks and intelligence, my personality being my strong point.
Just wandering if anyone has any advice? I've had enough. Last night I tried to O'D on the SSRI I have been prescribed. I am sick of being targeted, trodden upon and made fun of. I am also sick to death of being called 'paranoid' by my husband and parents. Or being told "You are not their to socialise, but to work - you shouldn't let it bother you". I know they are trying to be helpful but they are just making me feel worse.
I long for the warmth that alcohol suffuses but know that it will only hinder my progress. I had terrible cravings yesterday but managed to overcome them, albeit by swallowing 30 or so pills.
Any advice would really be appreciated.