buff, i am so sorry you are experiencing this pain.
you know all you need to know....please don't go looking for more, for it will surely be more of the same type of info that will just hurt you.
why do they do what they do???? because they are alcoholics and addicts. it will drive you insane trying to make sense out of nonsense.
i understand wanting to know the answers, but hon, there are none. it is all just insanity at it worst. i, too, went through stages of obsessing....i think it is a normal part of recovery. the trick is not getting stuck there.
work on your own recovery, and try to understand that letting go of having to have answers for what he did, will aid you greatly in your own recovery.
sweety, i know how hard it is....i've been there. hell, we've all been there. but we are all here for you.
it is up to you now to make a wonderful life for yourself and your baby.
until he wants help, he is lost. there is nothing you can do to make him want that help. sometimes, getting completely outta their way is the only way they can hit that bottom that will finally make them want to seek recovery.
you deserve so much better. make it happen.
big hugs to you
jeri