All I can do is obsess tonight

Old 09-27-2007, 09:34 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
All I can do is obsess tonight

It seems like all I can do is obsess.

My AexBF has slept with so many women.While I was with him, while I was pregnant, while I was at home breastfeeding at 3am. I actually get approached by them every once in a while. They always seem so curious, which leads me to think,"Man, what has he told them about me"

One of these girls approached me this past weekend, she answered that question for me. She just said, "Are you ----s' mom?" I just knew... there is certain type of woman who sleeps with a really attractive homeless barfly. I said, let me guess...

She told me that he used to tell her that I was crazy, and I could never know about them, because there is no telling what I might do--- she said he painted me as a full on CRAZY woman.That I may keep him from his son for good, I may attack her...

I estimate from what I know that he has slept with about 75 women in 3 years.
I have been checked, and I know I am clean of STDs. I just do not understand the mentality of the person who does this so much, lies so transparently, and still continues to lie in the face of being revealed.

I am not promiscuous, so I do not really ever even deal with casual sex, let alone make it a way of life. I have tried to reckon with this, and tried to glean whether it is an alcoholic thing, a dual diagnosis thing/bi polar...sex addiction, some other personality disorder.

The questions swirl, and truly are a major part of my getting stuck.. The details, like how does he end up with them? Do they pursue? does he? How does he justify it all in his mind? Is he always drunk when it happens? Does he feel feelings for them. Does he talk about me other than to say I am nuts? Does he use our son as a sympathy point every time? I want to vomit.

And his friends over the years, obviously some claim to be OUR friends, but so many lies cant go unaided. Hes been busted so many times by me, and I just could not face the pain because I was a new mom, alone, complete shift of life style.

I have been humiliated, and all the bar people know that he lied all the while, and they treat him like he is some kind of movie star--- Way to go, dude, you are so cool. You just dont care, man.
These are not people who care about him. They buy his booze, let him spend the night and take wagers behind his back about when and how he will die or go to jail.

I just keep getting these sad eyed phone messages from him. He doesnt know how much info I have, and I am truly heartbroken over the double life thing.The Dr jeckyl and mr hyde thing. I dont understand, and I am obsessing. I cant sleep. I want to know, but I dont want to know. BUt part of me feels like I have to know.

I am not sure if any of you have dealt with this level of lying, and I have heard some of you talk about other women(woman), about gambling, and whatnot.

How common is this degree of unreality in the A? One of the Alanon pamphlets talks about how the A becomes a king in his mind, and his drinking world is his realm. In this case, he actually does have minions, and followers. They arent real friends, of course, but they are so loyal to him, and some of my friends have even crossed over to become his fans. He is that crazy charismatic.

Sorry. I am rambling. I am obviously in the thick of it .Thanks for listening, B66
Buffalo66 is offline  
Old 09-27-2007, 10:06 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
ARealLady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
all the bar people know that he lied all the while, and they treat him like he is some kind of movie star

Well, remember, they're bar people because they hang around in bars and are As themselves or on the right track. Why would you trust what they think? Why would you even care? And they probably only treat him like a "movie star" because, guess what!, he's buying the drinks! Don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

XABF used to complain about having lost all his friends over the years and did conclude during a sober period that the only reason these "friends" hung out with him was because he was buying the drinks. And I saw him "in action" on one occasion after he started drinking heavily again. The more he drank, the more generous he became. The best company for an A are lots of drinkers!

the A becomes a king in his mind, and his drinking world is his realm. In this case, he actually does have minions, and followers. They arent real friends, of course, but they are so loyal to him, and some of my friends have even crossed over to become his fans. He is that crazy charismatic.


Whatever YOU believe is just pure fantasy for all the drinkers involved. None of them are real friends, as you say. They probably don't understand the disease any more than your XABF does. Do you really want to be part of his fan club?

The best thing you are doing is going to Al Anon and working this obsession out of your system. It isn't healthy thinking, is it? You are depriving yourself of sleep and that affects the rest of your life and everything you want to do for YOU!

Let go.......and get some good sleep tonight!

Hugs!

ARL
ARealLady is offline  
Old 09-27-2007, 10:12 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Buff, I am sorry for your pain. I cannot say I have lived what you are going through, but I do understand how isolated and alone you must feel. Especially with a small child to care for.

Obsessing over him will do you no good, but you already know that. I do think that asking questions is a good thing, however. Cry if you need to, vent and rage on here or in a journal if that helps. Journaling helped me a lot when I was in the depths of pain and despair.

So, if you can, and when you are ready, take that energy you are using to try and figure out answers about him and try to find some answers about yourself. Ask yourself why you looked for validation from someone who is truly not worthy of your love. Ask yourself why you care how he ended up with them or if he talked about you. Ask yourself why it matters that he has a boatload of fair weather friends. When you can ask those kinds of questions, and answer them truthfully (to yourself) you will be much closer to ending the pain you feel right now.

I know you wish it could stop hurting right away, but unfortunately, it takes time. And (another cliche, sorry) the only way out is through. Take comfort in knowing you are in the middle of going through and you will get to the other side.

Meanwhile, be extra nice to yourself and your son, okay?

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 09-27-2007, 11:17 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
First off Buff, put it in perspective. Do you really want to care about what a bunch of folks who hang out in a bar think? Also, is it really going to help YOU by knowing all of the nitnoid details of his affairs? Whether it be 1 or 75? I mean seriously, it will only serve to make you feel crappier than you already do, so why do it?

It wasn't you who was out screwing anything and everything with a pulse, that's his problem and as long as you're not having sex with him it doesn't have to be your problem (STD's and such).

I know it's hard to not obsess, I'd be lying to you if I said I don't obsess on things myself, but since I'm not obsessing right now, it's my duty to try and help you not obsess. I'm sure I'll be needing you to bring me back to my senses when I go on one of my obsessing binges.
hmbld is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 03:30 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
CBrown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Oh I can relate on this one. My XABF lives in a marina, and when he goes up to the tiki bar they greet him like Norm on Cheers. He has a golf cart and they put vinyl lettering on the front that says "The Mayor." The mayor of that dumpy marina? Give me a break. They're all drunk, all the time, and the women are just looking for a low-level sugar daddy like him to take him down to the nasty houseboat (whooo, with TWO staterooms, he MUST be loaded), and he'll tell anyone who listens that he's a millionaire. (Don't tell anyone it's just one, okay?) So naturally the women are always cooing over him, but it's under control because his main b*tch is a bartender and she's got her hooks firmly in the money and the man. All you have to do is pour him more beer and act as his nursemaid and the goodies are yours. Oh and about the bets about when your husband will die? Well with R, they laugh and laugh that he's fallen into the water 3-4 times on the way back to his boat. One day he won't come out.

I was like you ... he swore he was faithful, and I said DO NOT lie to me, so that when I come down here people feel sorry for me because of the things you're doing behind my back. Right. They live in a complete world of fantasy and lies.

Yeah, baby, they're movie stars to people who are as low or lower than they are. And if there's a dollar in their pocket, there are people lining up to tell them they're wonderful and to be their best friend.

Sick, sad world, and I'm so sorry you're living in it. I know this is not the world you want to bring your baby up in! Unfortunately unless he changes or you get out, it will be.
CBrown is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 03:50 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
My AH's other personality was around so much we named him PJ (short for Psycho Jerk). My boys and I would leave for days at a time when PJ was around. Then I'd get an e-mail saying "PJ's gone" and we'd come home. He wasn't sleeping around, just being terribly, terribly unkind.

I hope your life is good for you and your baby.
gypsyrose is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 03:56 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
CBrown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Wow, Gypsy, great way of putting it. I used to think I had 2-3 boyfriends. There was the intelligent, fairly sober one in the morning who was cool and polite. Then there was the drunken, impatient, insulting one when he was drunk and looking for more (Psycho Jerk). Then there was the ready to pass out one who loved me desperately and said all kinds of sappy things like "I wish we'd had a baby together" (Psycho Lover). In public, the last two were the breaking point for me.
CBrown is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 05:37 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Thanks so much for the feedback.

I know I have to go through... I know so much, but I get stuck.

Also, i noticed several of you mentioned how the As in your lives buy the drinks.. Mine is jobless, homeless, and penniless. He doesnt really eat. He has his phone bill paid each month, but I have no idea who pays it.

I asked my old friend who still bartends at a spot where A reigns supreme, I said, 'HOw does he manage to drink enough to get drunk EVERYDAY?' HE told me that the people in the bars truly think that ABF is brilliant, a tradgedy...They buy him drinks for the priveledge of sitting next to him, and hearing his jokes.He will never go without, and he will never hit bottom because they all need him to be the Kingpin of their fantasy world.

Its not so much a matter of worrying about what they think of me. It is the frustration and shock that I am still involved, and loved this man while he did these things. I in fact allowed it to go on, by not facing it for what it was. Admittedly, his childhood friend, who is a psychologist has informed me that he has been this way since he began drinking in high school, a true con man, a real maasterful manipulator. HE also claims that when he has been sober for periods of time, that A is the most generous, kind, talented,and precious person. This is who I met and fell in love with.

Sorry, preschool calls...

Last edited by Buffalo66; 09-28-2007 at 05:38 AM. Reason: typos..sorry
Buffalo66 is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 12:08 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
A's do tend to become legends in their own minds.

As far as why, who, whatever......he is sick and he is living in his illness part of his illness being womanizing. His illness is telling him he's going to get "something" from being promiscuous. No point obsessing if you can help it just wastes energy.

Ngaire


Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
It seems like all I can do is obsess.

My AexBF has slept with so many women.While I was with him, while I was pregnant, while I was at home breastfeeding at 3am. I actually get approached by them every once in a while. They always seem so curious, which leads me to think,"Man, what has he told them about me"

One of these girls approached me this past weekend, she answered that question for me. She just said, "Are you ----s' mom?" I just knew... there is certain type of woman who sleeps with a really attractive homeless barfly. I said, let me guess...

She told me that he used to tell her that I was crazy, and I could never know about them, because there is no telling what I might do--- she said he painted me as a full on CRAZY woman.That I may keep him from his son for good, I may attack her...

I estimate from what I know that he has slept with about 75 women in 3 years.
I have been checked, and I know I am clean of STDs. I just do not understand the mentality of the person who does this so much, lies so transparently, and still continues to lie in the face of being revealed.

I am not promiscuous, so I do not really ever even deal with casual sex, let alone make it a way of life. I have tried to reckon with this, and tried to glean whether it is an alcoholic thing, a dual diagnosis thing/bi polar...sex addiction, some other personality disorder.

The questions swirl, and truly are a major part of my getting stuck.. The details, like how does he end up with them? Do they pursue? does he? How does he justify it all in his mind? Is he always drunk when it happens? Does he feel feelings for them. Does he talk about me other than to say I am nuts? Does he use our son as a sympathy point every time? I want to vomit.

And his friends over the years, obviously some claim to be OUR friends, but so many lies cant go unaided. Hes been busted so many times by me, and I just could not face the pain because I was a new mom, alone, complete shift of life style.

I have been humiliated, and all the bar people know that he lied all the while, and they treat him like he is some kind of movie star--- Way to go, dude, you are so cool. You just dont care, man.
These are not people who care about him. They buy his booze, let him spend the night and take wagers behind his back about when and how he will die or go to jail.

I just keep getting these sad eyed phone messages from him. He doesnt know how much info I have, and I am truly heartbroken over the double life thing.The Dr jeckyl and mr hyde thing. I dont understand, and I am obsessing. I cant sleep. I want to know, but I dont want to know. BUt part of me feels like I have to know.

I am not sure if any of you have dealt with this level of lying, and I have heard some of you talk about other women(woman), about gambling, and whatnot.

How common is this degree of unreality in the A? One of the Alanon pamphlets talks about how the A becomes a king in his mind, and his drinking world is his realm. In this case, he actually does have minions, and followers. They arent real friends, of course, but they are so loyal to him, and some of my friends have even crossed over to become his fans. He is that crazy charismatic.

Sorry. I am rambling. I am obviously in the thick of it .Thanks for listening, B66
fluffyflea is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 12:22 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
CBrown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
"HE told me that the people in the bars truly think that ABF is brilliant, a tradgedy...They buy him drinks for the priveledge of sitting next to him, and hearing his jokes."

"Admittedly, his childhood friend, who is a psychologist has informed me that he has been this way since he began drinking in high school, a true con man, a real maasterful manipulator. HE also claims that when he has been sober for periods of time, that A is the most generous, kind, talented,and precious person. This is who I met and fell in love with. "

Once again, I am amazed and horrified how so many As seem to be a rubber stamp image of each other. I could have written those words about my own XABF. He once was successful, lively, charismatic. Yet all the while he lived another sickening life ruled by his mistress alcohol. And now he is a 50 year old waste doing exactly what your BF is doing in that bar ... reliving "glory days" that really never existed and seem like the stuff of legends to barroom losers.
CBrown is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 01:30 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
It is what it is
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I hate it the most when we are entertaining friends at our home and someone feels the need to tell me what a great guy I have and remember it. I think, Yeah if you only lived with him. But I just smile and say yup. The person he presents to the outside world is not the same one I've come to know. It's sad.

I hope you are feeling a little better. You are what's important. You and your baby.

Jenny
sunshine321 is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 03:46 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
gns
Member
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
I understand what you mean. My ex comes across like a great catch. I am still struggling to see how manipulative he really is. It was very enlightening to read his email after we separated - he would woo one woman and tell her about this sexy dream he had about her and 1 minute later (literally!) send the EXACT SAME dream to another woman. He even admits to "saying what he knows people want to hear" and admits to "having problems with telling the truth".

I too have trouble believing someone can lie (and cheat) right to your face and carry on a double or triple life ??!!!

I am trying to re-look at the past and use ONLY his actions, not his words as my guide tosee what is real (not much) and what isn't.
gns is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 04:33 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Thank you for that, gns... I guess that is the only way to go, now. Only actions matter.
He is telling people things and they are filtering it back to me, that he is claiming he cant even think about being with anyone(sexually). That he is heartbroken over my not contacting him. He cant get it up, since I dont speak to him... He is going to make things right with me if it takes his whole life...Yadda yadda. WHY???

I think he is so full of it. I just CANNOT understand what they think they are going to gain from all that lying??? WHY? .......after a while it is just; WHY?

Why wouldnt a person like this just realize they have been revealed, and just play the part that they chose? If its good enough to do, it should be good enough to admit to. I mean he isnt a murderer, just an a-hole.a really major a-hole.
Buffalo66 is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 06:07 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
They don't come clean, they don't know how to and they are afraid to let go of their means of survival which is lying and putting on a million false faces.

My ex was like yours, lived a double, triple life. It was hard for him after awhile to keep the lies straight.

Ngaire






Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
Thank you for that, gns... I guess that is the only way to go, now. Only actions matter.
He is telling people things and they are filtering it back to me, that he is claiming he cant even think about being with anyone(sexually). That he is heartbroken over my not contacting him. He cant get it up, since I dont speak to him... He is going to make things right with me if it takes his whole life...Yadda yadda. WHY???

I think he is so full of it. I just CANNOT understand what they think they are going to gain from all that lying??? WHY? .......after a while it is just; WHY?

Why wouldnt a person like this just realize they have been revealed, and just play the part that they chose? If its good enough to do, it should be good enough to admit to. I mean he isnt a murderer, just an a-hole.a really major a-hole.
fluffyflea is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 06:54 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lady BlueMiles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Sounds like his identity is built around some kind of unhealthy street cult, bar room subculture environment he created for himself starting years ago.

That sort of cult stuff has been around forever. Look at the famous Manson family, with Charlie being the leader and how sick was that? Who were these women that flocked to him and sickeningly murdered for him? Or what about the Jim Jones religious cult fanatics that drank poison for him to their death.

I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist and my mind can't possibly understand the sickness and motivations behind the behaviours of these people. It would take years of education and training for me to come close. I have to be content just knowing these are sick sick people and leave it at that. That's why you have to let go obsessing over it. imo It would be a career figuring him out completely. You need to get to a point of understanding that satisfies you enough to know that you have to let go of him. That you know you're doing the right thing and can't do anything to help him.

He may not be as bad as some of the cult leaders I've mentioned, but it could take years and years of counseling and work with no guarantees for him to deprogram all of that identity stuff enough to be reasonably functional in a normal way. And he may have issues rendering him incapable of that. Not to mention the alcohol or drug addictions, he'll have for life.

I'm sorry this is hurting you so much.
Lady BlueMiles is offline  
Old 09-28-2007, 09:03 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
buff, i am so sorry you are experiencing this pain.

you know all you need to know....please don't go looking for more, for it will surely be more of the same type of info that will just hurt you.

why do they do what they do???? because they are alcoholics and addicts. it will drive you insane trying to make sense out of nonsense.

i understand wanting to know the answers, but hon, there are none. it is all just insanity at it worst. i, too, went through stages of obsessing....i think it is a normal part of recovery. the trick is not getting stuck there.

work on your own recovery, and try to understand that letting go of having to have answers for what he did, will aid you greatly in your own recovery.

sweety, i know how hard it is....i've been there. hell, we've all been there. but we are all here for you.

it is up to you now to make a wonderful life for yourself and your baby.

until he wants help, he is lost. there is nothing you can do to make him want that help. sometimes, getting completely outta their way is the only way they can hit that bottom that will finally make them want to seek recovery.

you deserve so much better. make it happen.

big hugs to you
jeri
embraced2000 is offline  
Old 09-29-2007, 09:43 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
DII
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Buff, sorry about all this. I know you don't want to hear this but IMO he will need to hit bottom and have consequences for his current actions before he will be open to recovery. Eventually his game will get old. People won't buy him drinks forever and he will begin to break down physically as he continues to drink and not eat. The only thing you can control is YOU! Do you want to stay with this man? Do you want to be happy? Do you want your child to grow up with this as a role model?

Alanon and counseling.........you need to learn about the disease and YOU before you can move on.

Good luck!
DII is offline  
Old 10-01-2007, 05:48 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 26
I'm sorry you have been put through all this.

You are home taking care of your family.

They are adults out getting drunk sleeping around catching God knows what and believing whatever it is they want to hear to make them feel about about their actions.

You're not the one who's crazy.
luvmyfam is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:54 AM.