I still seem to think that I can just pick and choose what parts of the program I will do and what parts I wont.
Downhill it sounds to me like you know AA works but you are not ready to work it but you are getting there.
I have never had a sponser nor started a fourth step in earnst.
The steps were never meant to be worked with out a sponsor, read step 5.
KNOW that I have absolutley no control over this monster on my back, I know god can take it away from me, and I say everytime I get to this point that I am fully ready to let him but then I fail.
No you have not failed, alcoholism has won a battle, but as long as you continue to try you have not failed.
I've gone to meetings but I just find it soooooo hard to actually open up to other people.
I know people who have stayed sober, gone to meetings everyday and did not drink and all they did was listen.
downhill you sound to me as though you are very close to starting on the road to recovery, you just have not totally reached the point of being willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober.
I have always felt that in order for one to start recovery they have to drink enough to experience the pain enough tp gain the willingness to do what needs to be done to get and stay sober.