downhill77

Im coming up on 48 hours. I have been here before so many times. I know that I need AA but I just cant bring myself to walk back through the doors. I read the big book every morning as well as a few other favorites but I still seem to think that I can just pick and choose what parts of the program I will do and what parts I wont. I have never had a sponser nor started a fourth step in earnst. I KNOW that I have absolutley no control over this monster on my back, I know god can take it away from me, and I say everytime I get to this point that I am fully ready to let him but then I fail. I've gone to meetings but I just find it soooooo hard to actually open up to other people. I thought it would be easier considering how utterly alone I feel. I am just feeling very hopeless this morning. There is a meeting at noon that I am going to try to make if I can slip away from work for a bit. If anyone has any advice or even just words of encouragement I would really really appreciate it.

Aysha

You sound like me.
Me and program butt heads everytime.
I use to think..Oh I am weak for needing it. Or ..It's none of noones business what my story is.
I would never say a word.
But the one time I did...I had opened a flood gate.
Who knew?
Now I have to share or I start busting at the seams.
Not in meetings..because I have yet to go to one..But groups.
I have to get involved.
It feels so much better and I feel a sense of accomplishment.
It really helped me.
And you know ..We are our own worst critics..It is a good thing to hear and see from someones elses point of view.
Glad you are here.
Give it time.
Keep posting.

barb dwyer

sure you can.

what's the alternative? think.

Rowan

Go to the meeting. We can't do this alone. Come back and let us know how it goes.
Get a sponsor as soon as you can.

Tazman53

Downhill it sounds to me like you know AA works but you are not ready to work it but you are getting there.
The steps were never meant to be worked with out a sponsor, read step 5.
No you have not failed, alcoholism has won a battle, but as long as you continue to try you have not failed.
I know people who have stayed sober, gone to meetings everyday and did not drink and all they did was listen.

downhill you sound to me as though you are very close to starting on the road to recovery, you just have not totally reached the point of being willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober.

I have always felt that in order for one to start recovery they have to drink enough to experience the pain enough tp gain the willingness to do what needs to be done to get and stay sober.

Jfanagle

Nike hit it right on the head "JUST DO IT."

I closed my eyes and forced myself into my 1st meeting and then kept going, but only on the days that I DIDN"T WANT TO GO, and that was everyday for about the first 90 days. Just like alcohol. AA became a habit that I couldn't break. Just like alcohol AA was something that I never thought would get as addicting as it did!

Jon

PS. If what you have been doing is working and you are happy, keep doing it, if not change. IT SOUNDS SIMPLE BECAUSE WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE IT REALLY IS.

Anna

Hi downhill,

Coming here is a positive step because you will find lots of support and information.

There is always hope!

Reubena

No advice here, just wanted to send some encouraging thoughts your way. I hope you get to the AA meeting today.

R

downhill77

Damn I never dreamed that I would get so many responses so quickly. I really cant thank you guys enough. I wish I found this site sooner t-minus 75 minutes until the meeting. I am so damn nervous!!!! I am just going to force myself through those damn doors.... I will post when I get back to say how it went.

Anna

We'll be here when you get back.

You're not alone!