Sounds like you are struggling with the same issues and questions that I am. And I don't have answers yet. That's ok though. I am on a voyage of discovery is how I am thinking about it. I already have a much better understanding of where my issues spring from and that is a big first step. I am giving myself the time necessary to learn and understand and grow.
It was realizing that in too many ways I had managed to marry my father (minus the physical abuse) that got to realize I need to figure this out. If I decide to look for another relationship after my divorce, I do not want to make the same mistakes again. Sure, I've learned to recognize the red flags coming from any man I might get interested in. That's the realtively easy part. Now I've got to delve deeper into my own head and understand why I got into the marriage that shoudl never have happened.