Layla2222

There’s probably a lot of you here who are like me…an adult child of an alcoholic who now has a spouse/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend who is an alcoholic (right?).

Just recently it “clicked” with me that there is a connection here: Father who is an AH, and now a boyfriend who is an AH....HMMMMM....(I can't figure out why this took me so long!)
SO now I'm wondering....what is it exactly? What DREW me to him in the first place? What drew him to me?

I guess I am starting to think about the possibility that I might have to be with someone else in the future, and I know through psychology—people tend to draw the same type of people to them over & over, right? I feel like there is this classic psychological example of women who were abused by their fathers—who keep finding & going back to abusive men.

I know it probably has a lot to do with—this is the kind of relationship I am used to—I am comfortable with—but my question is…
*If in the future I find myself single again…(and besides for identifying any red flags in the other person)…. what do I need to change inside ME in order to avoid drawing in the same relationship over & over again??? What in the heck do I “give off” that says, “Hey, you can treat me like crap and don’t worry…I’ll take it!”

Through the relationship I am in now and have been in for about 3 years, I feel like the “odds are stacked against me”. I grew up with an alcoholic father—and had to learn how to survive (in a very dysfunctional way)—and all I have ever known is this dysfunctional way of life. I do not know what’s normal! & it is unbelievably frustrating. When I have an argument with my AH, I can’t even tell when I am “right” or “wrong”, or if I am letting myself be used or abused…because I have never known what was right or wrong/ healthy or unhealthy for me… I have no basis for understanding… Plus, I keep going back to my old co-dependent & dysfunctional ways. What is it?? It's almost like I like the pain! (obviously I don't or I wouldn't be here--maybe I like the security/comfort of my old behaviors?)

One major example is that I have a large fear of intimacy—I didn’t know why at first—but through much pain I realized it was all rooted in my past. Well, I was not being sexually intimate with my AH and I couldn’t tell—is it me? Is it because of MY “acoa issues” of the past?
OR…Was I being manipulated to do things I didn’t feel comfortable doing? Was this uncomfortable feeling just me having to face my intimacy fears? OR was I uncomfortable with him? Was I not being intimate because I resented him for drinking & felt I couldn’t trust him because of it? Or are these all MY past problems—not his? Maybe both???

Well thanks for listening!
Much love, Stephanie

Barbara52

Sounds like you are struggling with the same issues and questions that I am. And I don't have answers yet. That's ok though. I am on a voyage of discovery is how I am thinking about it. I already have a much better understanding of where my issues spring from and that is a big first step. I am giving myself the time necessary to learn and understand and grow.

It was realizing that in too many ways I had managed to marry my father (minus the physical abuse) that got to realize I need to figure this out. If I decide to look for another relationship after my divorce, I do not want to make the same mistakes again. Sure, I've learned to recognize the red flags coming from any man I might get interested in. That's the realtively easy part. Now I've got to delve deeper into my own head and understand why I got into the marriage that shoudl never have happened.

Pony

Well Stephanie, I guess there are really no easy answers....but it's not hopeless. You can learn how to break any cycle of disfunction through therepy and workshops and al-anon and ACOA groups.

The more you recognize your own behavior and choices the better chance you have of making a change.

wraybear

Sounds to me like you have started the healing process... just by putting all this together and seeking answers/solutions.

I have not been where you are exactly, but I married two A's. I don't think you really "like the security/comfort of your old behaviors" you just don't know any other way.

Through the process of recovery (Alanon; ACOA, counseling, reading book about codependency), you will learn that it is okay to not accept the unacceptable. I know you are struggling right now with not even knowing what is acceptable like I was and still do sometimes. This is a symptom of living in an alcoholic home. For some strange reason, we tolerate things that "normal" people would not tolerate. It is curious indeed.

Keep seeking solutions, and peace and contentment will follow.

Peace Out!!!!

NoChoice

I have been thinking about posting but I just haven't. My divorce will be final here soon and I will be able to start dating. I have met two men, one who I think is a serious co-dependant. His dad was a drunk, my dad was a drunk....BLAH! I am contstantly looking for signs because I so do not want to get involved with another AH. But this guy...he seems like he is a little controlling. We are separated by a huge amount of distance so we are "getting to know eachother" via email and letters. For example, he constantly sends me email, constantly....then when I don't respond he sent me one that says that he wants to establish a plan where we call or email eachother at the start of the day and at the end of the day. I am ok with communication but today he didn't write, so I didn't write...is this weird? I don't know what is normal and what isn't. What is healthy, what isn't. I wonder if this is a good guy that is genuinley interested in me and I am flipping out because he is being nice to me and trying to talk to me. Well nothing makes me want to head for the hills faster! Oh, the second guy is just a pen pal that thinks we were brought together (we went to the same college and grad school) for a reason when I bought a bicycle from his shop...it is going to take a little more convincing for me.

So, I tell him that I am not even really divorced yet and won't be for 2 months so I want to finish my divorce before I go getting involved again. That seems to be ok with him. When I get back to the states, I want to go wherever I get sent, no strings...just looking out for the interest of my career and ME! I don't want to go somewhere to see if something is going to work out with a guy. I am not sure I ever even want to get married. Oh, this guy has been married twice. I think that the flags are there. Lots of people have more than one marriage but he has talked about engagement rings etc...--where was I? Oh yeah, I want to buy another house, maybe a condo in the city or something and maybe date people maybe not. Then sometimes I think that I want to get married right away and have babies. Then I think of my sister who ended her career to have babies and then had post partum and bipolar and just a whole lot of stuff. I wonder if that could happen to me? I am sure it is heredity. I could check it out but I don't really want to know the answers. I am very happy right now (finally) alone, going to AA myself and Alanon (while not deployed). Maybe I want to just be a "Barren Spinster" I joke about that but relationships work me over too much and I am happy alone. I am 37 now no kids, I enjoy buying what I want to buy and supporting myself (that has always been very impt since my real dad bailed on us)!

So, Sorry to go on and on about this but I am very confused about alot of stuff too. The only sure thing that I know is that I am happy today, alone.

Love,
NC

:uzi2: (I am in Iraq and the UZI seemed appropriate)

CBrown

I have given this a lot of thought too. I had an A uncle in my life briefly, but I had very little contact with him. Other than that, NO As were around me. But I will say that I have always had drama in my life. My mother was bi-polar and OCD, and there was constantly something going on. I suspect my dad could be called a dry drunk, as he drank heavily when he was younger, and never had therapy. His mother liked to control to the max through guilt-trips, and I would guess he was what you'd call a codie. So that's what I grew up with. Then I married a controlling guy, divorced him when he cheated, and got involved with my first alcoholic. And now that's over because I will NOT be a nursemaid enabler for a pathological liar. My 85 yo dad's been living here for three years, and constantly wants to know "where you been?" in an attempt to keep me at home listening to his constant doom & gloom and moaning about his state in life. I just go my section of the house, and leave him to his misery.

So I'm not sure if it's so much that we go from A to A, or that we go from controller to controller, or drama to drama. I just know I, too, have to break the cycle. I would rather be alone than be with drama, and I fear that a relationship without drama would bore me. Man, am I messed up.

But looking up, I'm going to start attending "Celebrate Recovery" for addicts, and a Singles group at our church! I'm going to pick myself up by the bootstraps if it kills me.

By the way No Choice, I'm with you about dating. I have a picture of a date in my mind, and the real story is vastly different. I'm leery too of falling into the same trap again. We're in the same boat together.