Hello everyone...I posted for the first time here in the Alanon forum yesterday & everyone has been so helpful--thank you thank you thank you!
This is "my story" I posted before:
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-any-help.html)
I read MANY threads all over this site yesterday & gained a lot of insights....but there are still millions of different emotions, thoughts, questions going through my head right now---I wanted to ask some that are constantly nagging in my head....WHAT DO I DO??????
1) Everyone says the #1 thing is: TAKE CARE OF YOU….but what if I have lost all will—all drive—all motivation to do anything for myself. I just don’t care about me…if I can’t even feed myself right or make myself get in the shower—how can I do anything else?
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2) I know I don’t need to “DO” anything about my AH boyfriend—I know I cant control the situation at all—but this question has to do with me too (I think). I realize that since he’s in rehab---he could be there for a while—
and he needs to be…and even if he does miraculously get out--- I dont want to completely leave him, BUT I don’t think I should live with him anymore.....plus I cant afford the rent alone. So I need to talk to him about the apartment we share....or do I??? (its in both our names). Do I just leave the apartment and say nothing to him? Just leave him locked up in rehab & cut off communication? I am thinking that is the way I can help him the most, right? By doing nothing? OR do I talk to him on the phone or go see him to tell him I am moving out & we need to figure out how to get out of the lease and stuff?
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3) Do I tell him I love him/care about him? It’s the truth, but do I say it? Do I talk to him at all? One bad thing is that yesterday he called me & said he needed reassurance that I still love him & I am still there for him. I told him yes, but he needs help and he needs to stay there in rehab (he doesn’t want to—but honestly, after the whole incident with the police—I doubt he’ll have a choice). I am thinking, should I have given him that reassurance?? Or by saying that, did I just reassure him that I was still going to be there to take his abuse & pick up the pieces when he falls?? Does he need to sit alone & miserable by himself? My heart breaks when I think of him there & I have an overwhelming urge to go there and hug him & tell him I love him….the ONLY thing that has stopped me is that last night I read TONS of threads here & realized I could be hurting more than helping. But is it different now b/c he is in rehab? Is it still enabling?
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4) I know what I should do—that is, like everyone tells me—RUN, don’t walk—away from him. He is a giant mess of “red flags”. I know everyone is probably right—well, yea they are right--any self-respecting person would leave.....the problem is i guess i'm not self-respecting.
I don’t feel I could say this to anyone but the people here because I know you understand—but I love him so much, and the pain of leaving is unbearable for me right now---so i stay. I cant even think about leaving.... So, if I am not strong enough to completely walk away …what can I do—tiny baby steps I mean—to begin to give me some strength/selfrespect???
THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!!
Much love, stephanie