Questions...

Old 09-19-2007, 03:54 PM
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Questions...

Hello everyone...I posted for the first time here in the Alanon forum yesterday & everyone has been so helpful--thank you thank you thank you!
This is "my story" I posted before:
(http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-any-help.html)

I read MANY threads all over this site yesterday & gained a lot of insights....but there are still millions of different emotions, thoughts, questions going through my head right now---I wanted to ask some that are constantly nagging in my head....WHAT DO I DO??????



1) Everyone says the #1 thing is: TAKE CARE OF YOU….but what if I have lost all will—all drive—all motivation to do anything for myself. I just don’t care about me…if I can’t even feed myself right or make myself get in the shower—how can I do anything else?

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2) I know I don’t need to “DO” anything about my AH boyfriend—I know I cant control the situation at all—but this question has to do with me too (I think). I realize that since he’s in rehab---he could be there for a while—and he needs to be…and even if he does miraculously get out--- I dont want to completely leave him, BUT I don’t think I should live with him anymore.....plus I cant afford the rent alone. So I need to talk to him about the apartment we share....or do I??? (its in both our names). Do I just leave the apartment and say nothing to him? Just leave him locked up in rehab & cut off communication? I am thinking that is the way I can help him the most, right? By doing nothing? OR do I talk to him on the phone or go see him to tell him I am moving out & we need to figure out how to get out of the lease and stuff?
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3) Do I tell him I love him/care about him? It’s the truth, but do I say it? Do I talk to him at all? One bad thing is that yesterday he called me & said he needed reassurance that I still love him & I am still there for him. I told him yes, but he needs help and he needs to stay there in rehab (he doesn’t want to—but honestly, after the whole incident with the police—I doubt he’ll have a choice). I am thinking, should I have given him that reassurance?? Or by saying that, did I just reassure him that I was still going to be there to take his abuse & pick up the pieces when he falls?? Does he need to sit alone & miserable by himself? My heart breaks when I think of him there & I have an overwhelming urge to go there and hug him & tell him I love him….the ONLY thing that has stopped me is that last night I read TONS of threads here & realized I could be hurting more than helping. But is it different now b/c he is in rehab? Is it still enabling?

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4) I know what I should do—that is, like everyone tells me—RUN, don’t walk—away from him. He is a giant mess of “red flags”. I know everyone is probably right—well, yea they are right--any self-respecting person would leave.....the problem is i guess i'm not self-respecting.
I don’t feel I could say this to anyone but the people here because I know you understand—but I love him so much, and the pain of leaving is unbearable for me right now---so i stay. I cant even think about leaving.... So, if I am not strong enough to completely walk away …what can I do—tiny baby steps I mean—to begin to give me some strength/selfrespect???


THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!!
Much love, stephanie
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Old 09-19-2007, 04:07 PM
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Okay, little update-- as I am writing this, he calls from rehab--and i didnt know what to do, so I answered it. I told him, I havent been honest before, becuase I was afraid he would get mad at me and leave---but I was doing him no favors by not telling him how I feel---and that as much as he hates it there in rehab HE NEEDS TO BE THERE and want him there.

Again, he kept wanting reassurance that I wouldnt leave him. I told him how I might have to move out of the apartment because we have no money--and instead of feeling any sympathy that his girlfriend has nowhere to live---he got mad at me--and assumed I was leaving him.
I again, told him I love him-- and said I can only assure you we will be together when you can prove you WANT help for yourself---dont do it for me--it doesnt work that way.

I was surprised, (although I probably shouldn't of been!!!) to hear him have ZERO sympathy for my pain. All he had to say was, "how do you think I feel in this place?"

I told him about some bills he got that are urgent, but said I am not going to "fix" them for you--I will tell you what the bill says, and give you the phone #. He was yelling, and I said, dont you yell at me....next time I will just let the bill sit here. He said he wasnt yelling at me, but was just mad about the bill & asked for the phone # to call the bill people.

I told him I totally disregarded my self & my well-being when I was so worried about him--and that I need to take care of myself--and he needs to take care of himself. I told him I am as sick as him, and I need help and he should have some understanding and I dont see why he doesnt feel sad that his girlfriend is in so much pain. He didnt understand.

When I said something upsetting....about the bills, or having to move out of the apartment.....he kept wanting to hang up the phone--acting as if he didnt care--like ...."Well, whatever then bye" . Maybe I shouldn't have done this....but I did it because I knew I would cry afterwards if I let him just hang up like that & i didn't want to feel this pain......but I convinced him to stay on the line at least 3 times over the 10 min call

He is still mad at his mom, and keeps saying to me, "Tell my mom F**K YOU for me". I told him not to ask me to relay any messages because I wont do it--and he can do it himself if he wants to.

Well, that was about it, but I have to run to my first alanon meeting now....i dont want to go at all & i am scared.....but i am making myself....i know thats what everyone would suggest i do lol.

Thank you again
love, stephanie
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Old 09-19-2007, 04:11 PM
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great!!!! i'm so glad you are going to al-anon. therein lied my salvation and redemption. al-anon, this forum, and my hp saved my life.

keep going, hon......it will help you with all your questions. i spent my first six months in al-anon bawling like a new born calf. but eventually, it began to sink in.

best to you
jeri
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Old 09-19-2007, 06:18 PM
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Stephanie,

A lot of what you have described sounds so familiar to me. My ex had to go to court ordered anger management therapy as a means to stay out of jail for assaulting me. At his request, I went WITH HIM to HIS therapy! I wanted to do anything and everything within MY POWER to help him. The counselor agreed that I could join in.

As time went on, at MY request, I had some individual meetings with her, unbeknownst to him. She told me like he was addicted to alcohol, I was just as addicted to him. (I guess by me going to his therapy, that was her first clue, LOL). I was shocked....ME??? Addicted??? To HIM??? I had never thought of it that way before.

And that was the beginning of the end of my denial, about myself and my relationship with him. It was also the beginning of looking inside myself as to why, for crying out loud, why did I accept so much unacceptable from him?

From there I went to some Alanon meetings, DV support groups, read as many books as I could get my hands on re: codependency, DV, etc. I threw myself into myself! I was desperate to change. Later I found SR too, another tool in my toolbox.

It would be so easy for me to say don't take his phone calls, forget about him, run, concentrate on your own stuff (although those wouldn't be bad ideas at all), but, I won't! See, I do understand getting so wrapped up in another person that you can't see yourself any more. I also understand what it's like to minimize (thanks Jeri), ignore the drama, like it's all normal and the only thing that is of concern is 'him'! It's like you cease to exist.

The rent, living arrangements, etc. all seemed to work out in it's own time. I understand you wanting to make plans, etc. Maybe for the next 2 or 3 days, try putting that out of your mind, or at least on the back burner. Instead......

...I'm glad you are going to an Alanon meeting tonight. Keep going, even if you're not sure it's what you think you need right now. It's a beginning of self care for you. Get phone numbers from the other attendees there and begin to develop a network of support in between meetings.

And that could be your first baby step! What do you think?
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Old 09-19-2007, 07:04 PM
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Sounds like anti depressants could help lift the haze, and allow you to get some footing in your day to day. I know it is expensive, and it can suck to go on a drug, but, man, is it a relief when you really need it, and it HELPS. Hallelujah!
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Old 09-19-2007, 07:52 PM
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That's great your going to your first meeting! I agree with ICU, you don't have to make a lifetimes worth of decisions about your relationship or your life today. Take it one day at a time. Baby steps.

If you decide to keep talking to your bf tell him the truth as you see it today. Tell him you love him because today you do. Tell him you don't know what the future will bring because today you don't know. And tell him you can't live the way it has been because it is sick and unhealthy for both of you. And yes keep telling him recovery is what he needs to decide to do for himself, for his own well being not for you. And you need to do the same for you because you have been very much affected.

Maybe after a little while into recovery, you'll be feeling stronger, and one day you'll pick up the phone and tell him you don't like being bullied by his anger and let him hang up.
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Old 09-19-2007, 08:57 PM
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Layla, hand in there! The anti-depressants help but the addiction to him is the ultimate fix. I am struggling with it myself with my AW but the first step is to realize what it is and how to see when you are doing it. In my opinion, telling our A that we need to work on ourselves is a problem. It just opens us up to criticism and we usually do it to get approval or support from our A. This is a sign of the unhealthy actions as a codependent to our A. Work on you.......with your own approval and feeling of accomplishment. Remember, you are not working on yourself to be a better person for your A or to show your A or even to get the recognition of your A. You work on yourself for YOU!

Hang in there!
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Old 09-20-2007, 05:10 AM
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How was your Alanon meeting last night Stephanie?
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Old 09-20-2007, 02:05 PM
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I really feel for you Stephanie & have no advice as such (I'm new to all this) but please huni try take baby steps & start by looking after u
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Old 09-20-2007, 08:44 PM
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Thanks for the support again guys!!!
My meeting went great....Im going to post a thread...
Thank u again
much love! steph
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