I told someone once, when i first sign on to SR almost three
years ago. I relasped after 11 years of being clean and sober.
I struggled with my own sobeity and my gf's
We have been together for over a decade.
Anyway, i said that if i love someone that i would love her unconditionally,
even if it ment the she would not love me back.
We seperated time and time again and the cycle of codi/addict dance
got worst and worst. I didn't even know what it ment to be a codependent.
All i know is that i love her very much.
I relasped for a couple of weeks because it just got totally crazy
and I was on the recieving end of the chaos. My Gf was on her run
and no matter how much i tried or what i did, i couldn't fight her dis-ease.
I never knew her as an active alki until 7 years into our relationship.
it was a total nightmair and i had a better understaning of step #8.lol
I got sober again and I lived alone for over six months.
I actaully went through a stage of hating all women.
It's was scary as heck being single again..i think i was 37 at the
time and i felt totally worn out.
I tried to move on with my life but she froced her way back in.
it was extreemly hard for me. i would find her passed out in the parking
lot or she would break into my apt. i had to find my own place to live
when we seperate. She had the townhouse, but lost that due to her addiction.
anyway it got worst and worst. i thought the wreackage was irrepiable.
I'm not so sure my GF can really comprehend what happened. When she
figures it out she can tell her sponsor.
i basically went to work with one eye open from lack of sleep...that's my story
and I'm sticking to it. We bascially went throught the same chaso for another
years..i felt sicker and sicker and more and more dysfuntional.
I held a managing posistion...i bascially sat on my ass in an office all day
and made dicisions..but I couldn't even do that anymore from lack of sleep.
anyway, i tried to start a new life again, so I move to a different town.
I bascailly slept in my car for a month...i figure any women in her right
mind wouldn't want anything to do with me.
I started working in the great outdoors doing
construction work. it totally sucks..becuase i'm doing a dirty job.
One of my best friend pack my bags for me to move into his home
with him...i have to much pride. I rather sleep in my car.
But my GF called again oneday when the **** hitted the fan.
She was really, really in a jam and maybe that was her bottom.
So i took whatever money i had and try to start a new for us.
Her addiction had effected her health.
She's clean and sober today and is making remarkable recovery.
it's been almost 18 month since she's been clean and sober.
Anyway the housing market took a nose, nose drive and construction
work came to stop, stopped.
I don't know after all these years and after all of that.
my GF or whatever she deem she is today tell's
me she can't love like i needed to be love.
f-it....i give up.lol
I'm stupid tired , now.
at least i'm a man of my words..lol
unconditional love...man O man