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Old 09-06-2007, 02:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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TOPIC: New Comers & Old timers - Are U Contently Single Or Married In Recovery?


Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

By the Grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to take a drink of alcohol
since 8-11-90.

For that and you I am truely grateful.

New Comers just like Old timers have
difficulties in relationships, marriages.

Im newly separated from a 25 yr marriage.

For most of those yrs i was totally miserable
and I covered my feelings like a cloak
many times just to get by just so
others wouldnt feel sorry for me.

For the past few days I have been
in thought of how happy I am today.

Maybe Ive always wanted to be alone
or my own boss. Independant would
be a good word.

Is marriage in recovery working
for you? Or is it the single like
that makes recovery better for you?

Ive been thinking of how nice it is to
come home and have my own space.
No one to answer to except my HP.

To come and go as I please. Responsible
for my own actions.

Would i return to the life i had being
married...a house, yard...kids....

NO WAY.

I take the memories i had from the
past and drawn on them if i have to...

Today I move forward one day at a time
never knowing what is in store for me...

Single life or married life in recovery?

What is ur choice?

Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 09-06-2007, 02:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm beginning to be contentedly single and married TO recovery.
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Old 09-06-2007, 02:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Im with ya on that one Barb....nicely put..!
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Old 09-06-2007, 01:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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wait a minute, what happen ??
I mean ..weren't you looking for the sick ones not so long ago.
Okay ..you at least went finshing.lol

i remember when I was single, the apt was spotless...just in case.lol
i came and went as i pleased, slept in as I please, got up as i please.
Ate whatever the heck i want as i please, Called whom ever i pleased.
Listen to whatever music as i pleased.

I was thinking NO WAY too

But then they all had to just show up at my door at the sametime.
Why do I always attract the stockers..lol
I had one on the phone too.

Becuase as soon as I think i have it all figure out. My HP deem I needed
some TLC and insanity.lol
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Old 09-06-2007, 02:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for sharing. I love the point you make regarding all of us having the potential for failed relationships whether new to recovery or old hat.

I am very blessed in that my wife of 7 years, Jaclyn, never knew me as an active alcoholic. I have been sober for 11 years and met her 10 years ago. We dated for a while, were engaged for 3 years and then got married. I SOoooo love and respect my wife. She is so supportive of my recovery and my individuality and my interests. We are parents to 2 and a half year old twins (boy and a girl) and this has given me the opportunity to fall in love with Jaclyn on a whole other level. She is an amazing mother. Anyway, without going on and on...I think onbe of the greatest things about our relationship is that we laugh..A LOT. I love being married to her.

Damn..she is just awesome.
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Old 09-06-2007, 02:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I am married and very happy.

I was married for a very long time before I started drinking. During my three years of drinking, I pushed my family away, but fortunately things have worked out. It is absolutely wonderful to look at my grown-up children, both happily married and with great jobs. Recovery has brought me many gifts!
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Old 09-06-2007, 02:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Old 09-06-2007, 02:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I am looking forward to hearing more stories on this thread.
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Old 09-06-2007, 03:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Some good shares so far...Thank you for that...

I wake up early in the morning and thoughts of intersting
topics invade my mind.

Here I am 48ish, newly separated since this past Dec.
from a 25 yr marriage,17 yrs sober, 2 awesome kids 20
23, a full time bakery job, a nice little apt., 2 cats, 1 bird,
dependable transportation,my health and faith.


Am I lonely....not particularly....i work around people
all day, so my time alone is cool...peaceful....however....

It would be nice to have a male friend who would be
willing to take me out to eat every once in awhile....

Someone to hold hands with...you get the picture dont u?

Nothing serious tho....i guess after 25 yrs...i so love
my independence....

With the knowledge and wisdom I have recieved thus
so far in recovery, i am aware of the does and donts in
relationships.....just as they have told us countless times
that getting sober screws up our drinking careers, well
so does our sex lives....

What we use to do so freely...we now have a conscience
to ever remind us of guilt and shame.
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8-11-90

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Old 09-06-2007, 04:28 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm not sure we can really compare which is better.When I was single I often longed for a partner.Now I'm married and sometimes would like the freedom of being single again-LOL.I think both states have their advantages and disadvantages but what I've learned is-we experience more of the good stuff when we're grateful for what 'is'-be it with someone or not.

For me, recovery being married is probably better, in that my husband doesn't drink.I would really struggle if he did-it would almost be impossible for me to be in that situation.

Interesting topic Sharon.Thanks!
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Old 09-06-2007, 04:59 PM   #11 (permalink)
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The first 7 yrs of my marriage I was a stay at home
mom and in my drinking career....For some reason I
was not content....I did however go thru the motions
of being the best mom and wife i could possibly be.

Then i got sober.

So from 7 yrs married up to yr 25 i was sober....i still
went thru the motions....

Today...im beginning a new chapter in my recovery and
life....

I havent a clue as to what will happen on the next
page or tomorrow as it hasnt happened yet....

I do however believe my HP has my life story
already written for me...in His time all will come to
light one day at a time.
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8-11-90

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Old 09-06-2007, 07:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I'm happily monogamous for the first time in my life. (even though I've been married twice).

I liked what Sharon had to say:

"just as they have told us countless times
that getting sober screws up our drinking careers, well
so does our sex lives....

What we use to do so freely...we now have a conscience
to ever remind us of guilt and shame."

It used to be a very difficult thing for me not to play around with whomever I felt like it. I liked to think that I was a free-thinker, when in fact, I had no self esteem. The more I like myself, the easier it is to accept the blessing of being in a monogamous relationship. Working the steps has done that for me.
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Last edited by NOMOMERLOTMAMMA; 09-06-2007 at 07:29 PM. Reason: had to add why I like myself more :-)
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Old 09-06-2007, 08:23 PM   #13 (permalink)
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My drinking almost caused me to lose my marriage. Though it is hard to be married, I love my husband and am thankful for his support in life, and in my recovery. I have it good because he travels about 40% of the time for work. I get to have time to myself as an individual, and a chance to miss him when he is gone.

Thankfully he stood by me after all of the lies and mistrust........


Peace,

Lisa
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Old 09-06-2007, 11:13 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I told someone once, when i first sign on to SR almost three
years ago. I relasped after 11 years of being clean and sober.
I struggled with my own sobeity and my gf's
We have been together for over a decade.
Anyway, i said that if i love someone that i would love her unconditionally,
even if it ment the she would not love me back.

We seperated time and time again and the cycle of codi/addict dance
got worst and worst. I didn't even know what it ment to be a codependent.
All i know is that i love her very much.

I relasped for a couple of weeks because it just got totally crazy
and I was on the recieving end of the chaos. My Gf was on her run
and no matter how much i tried or what i did, i couldn't fight her dis-ease.
I never knew her as an active alki until 7 years into our relationship.
it was a total nightmair and i had a better understaning of step #8.lol

I got sober again and I lived alone for over six months.
I actaully went through a stage of hating all women.
It's was scary as heck being single again..i think i was 37 at the
time and i felt totally worn out.

I tried to move on with my life but she froced her way back in.
it was extreemly hard for me. i would find her passed out in the parking
lot or she would break into my apt. i had to find my own place to live
when we seperate. She had the townhouse, but lost that due to her addiction.
anyway it got worst and worst. i thought the wreackage was irrepiable.
I'm not so sure my GF can really comprehend what happened. When she
figures it out she can tell her sponsor.
i basically went to work with one eye open from lack of sleep...that's my story
and I'm sticking to it. We bascially went throught the same chaso for another
years..i felt sicker and sicker and more and more dysfuntional.
I held a managing posistion...i bascially sat on my ass in an office all day
and made dicisions..but I couldn't even do that anymore from lack of sleep.

anyway, i tried to start a new life again, so I move to a different town.
I bascailly slept in my car for a month...i figure any women in her right
mind wouldn't want anything to do with me.
I started working in the great outdoors doing
construction work. it totally sucks..becuase i'm doing a dirty job.
One of my best friend pack my bags for me to move into his home
with him...i have to much pride. I rather sleep in my car.

But my GF called again oneday when the **** hitted the fan.
She was really, really in a jam and maybe that was her bottom.
So i took whatever money i had and try to start a new for us.
Her addiction had effected her health.
She's clean and sober today and is making remarkable recovery.
it's been almost 18 month since she's been clean and sober.

Anyway the housing market took a nose, nose drive and construction
work came to stop, stopped.
I don't know after all these years and after all of that.
my GF or whatever she deem she is today tell's
me she can't love like i needed to be love.

f-it....i give up.lol
I'm stupid tired , now.
at least i'm a man of my words..lol
unconditional love...man O man
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Old 09-06-2007, 11:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Very content with being single. I dont think I could handle relationship issues this soon into recovery. Yes it can be lonely, but I always tell myself

"Im not ready yet, I would probably just stuff things up"

Might get married to my new friend sobriety!!!
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Old 09-10-2007, 05:45 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Ironic how threads come up when we are rethinking things in our lives! Sorry guys especially Rusty I had to bump it back up!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
I keep avoiding this thread but then it's bumped!

I am single - but content? Hmm, that's a tough one. I've only ever been 'alone' for maybe 6 months. Always had a husband or boyfriend or lover. My last relationship was with someone in AA - we were together 3 years - but, it's become evident that I've got a lot of work to do on myself before I can ever be with someone. How can one give love when one doesn't love oneself? Wow that was a mouthful.

So I'm taking this time to do extra work in recovery, and to build my friendships with other women in recovery, and with my daughter. Some days I'm content, some days I'm lonely. I hope and pray that there is special someone for me - when the time is right.
Wow Row.....you took the words out of my mouth! I came to this revelation that I was happy and loved living life, the only problem is which I unfortunate came upon this just this weekend as the guy who I have been with for close to year now DUMPED me! "He loves me but he says we have come to an impass" POOF....I cried all the way home and came up with exactly as you stated ROW!
Quote:
it's become evident that I've got a lot of work to do on myself before I can ever be with someone. How can one give love when one doesn't love oneself? Wow that was a mouthful.
I guess I have now come to a new revelation...I'm not ready yet to love myself totally so I sure as heck cannot be ready for a realationship. I do hope that my HP guides me through this to really help me help myself to get to that point in my life someday, where the little girl inside of me will finally grow up. I feel like a little child unable to make a real, substantial decision until I can you guys are stuck with me! a misfit in the works with a lot more apparently to do! Let the reflecting begin!

An amazing metamorphosis of not being where I want to be yet brings me back to this song-I just pray that I lead myself into the right direction and realize not to get to high in the clouds as everything can tumble in a heart beat if we allow it too! For now I guess I remain single and enjoy it while I grow up!

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down
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Old 09-10-2007, 06:43 AM   #17 (permalink)
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You know when I finally hit my bottom it coincided very closely with my wifes bottom. She had told me her and the kids were moving out in a month.

At this point in time, I had hit my bottom and knew I had to get sober or die, whether or not I stayed married or not was secondary. My wife let me know that when I told her I was putting myself into de-tox, she told me that I should not count on them being there when I got back because it may be to late to even try and work things out.

So going into detox & coming out I had no idea if I was going to have a marriage/family or not, the only thing I knew was I had to recover for me to live.

My wife & family did stay and are very supportive of my recovery, but that being said having worked the steps I am confident I could have done just as well alone.... well alone as far as a husband wife relationship, while at the same time thanks to the fellowship not alone in my recovery.
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Old 09-10-2007, 06:48 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rella927 View Post
Ironic how threads come up when we are rethinking things in our lives! Sorry guys especially Rusty I had to bump it back up!



Wow Row.....you took the words out of my mouth! I came to this revelation that I was happy and loved living life, the only problem is which I unfortunate came upon this just this weekend as the guy who I have been with for close to year now DUMPED me! "He loves me but he says we have come to an impass" POOF....I cried all the way home and came up with exactly as you stated ROW! [b]

I guess I have now come to a new revelation...I'm not ready yet to love myself totally so I sure as heck cannot be ready for a realationship. I do hope that my HP guides me through this to really help me help myself to get to that point in my life someday, where the little girl inside of me will finally grow up. I feel like a little child unable to make a real, substantial decision until I can you guys are stuck with me! a misfit in the works with a lot more apparently to do! Let the reflecting begin!

An amazing metamorphosis of not being where I want to be yet brings me back to this song-I just pray that I lead myself into the right direction and realize not to get to high in the clouds as everything can tumble in a heart beat if we allow it too! For now I guess I remain single and enjoy it while I grow up!

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

you both said what i couldn't say...got to be in a relation with myself first, or else a person without self love gets in a relationship with disrespect, ending in abuse or other issues..
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Old 09-10-2007, 06:55 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Rella,

I'm sorry for your pain. Thank you for a powerful and honest share.

Who wrote that song? The words are beautiful.
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Old 09-10-2007, 07:04 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Every share on here is revealing as to what good recovery means, it appears as though it pretty much boils down to the need to recover a relationship with self first before moving on to other relationships, mine was a little different then that, but I let my wife know when I came out of detox and into AA that my primary focus was going to have to be myself and my recovery, thank goodness she understood.

My recovery does at times strain our relationship, but we are both aware that our relationship depends upon my recovery and not the other way around.
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