Yes, Susan, to what the others said above. I, too, remember feeling and acting just like you. I was so scared to "let go" because in my estimation, letting go was "giving up".
After I discovered that it wasn't giving up on her but a way for me to "give up" my insanity of trying to hold on and continue to try to protect her, I found out that my sanity was a heck of a lot more important than I gave it credit for. I realize now that I must keep myself from having a front row seat to my AD's addiction, no matter where it leads her. I realize now that no matter what I do or what sanity I decide to surrender, it makes no difference to her choices or the consequences of those choices. And more importantly, I realize that being nearly as "sick" mentally as her, it was only leading both of us down a dead-end path.
I am healthier, happier, more content and better able to relinquish that perceived "control" over what my AD does and the outcome, thereby being able to have more control over my emotions in a given situation.
Geesh, I am hardly perfect and there are many times I question myself and my sanity but I can now take that necessary time to assess things and choose a much better course of action for ME and the rest of my family. I don't "over react" like I used to.
I now have a civil relationship with AD; and this has been her choice so it feels much more genuine. I take things as I get them and don't have unrealistic expectations. And I don't feel the need to pressure her into what I expect her to be - she is what she is. Like you, I love her but I don't like her sometimes. And I realize that it's the behavior I dislike the most and I realize that I cannot change her behavior; I can only change MY behavior in respect to it.
Hang in there; your ability to accept and handle things does get better. I do, however, have my "break-down" moments and I allow myself to have them - I cry and mourn what I am missing but I get over it faster and move on.
If you get a chance, please read my sticky at the top of the page, "A message to new parent of addicts". I think it will help you realize that you are certainly not alone in your struggle.
Lots of hugs and prayers from one mom to another.
